Just a turn in life.

I once thought I have got myself together, I know who I am and what I want out of life. Little did I know that " life is what happens while you busy making plans". I had no idea that some things in life may not be what you had wished for yourself but they happen to you.

I wish someone had told me long time ago that life is not that smooth or perhaps they were scared that it will wipe away all that I had dreamt of or change my perception of life. Why is it that when we are young we are made to believe in fairytales and all the magic in the world? I guess to keep that flame of dreams coming true in you as a child so that you live for the unknown until your actual reality strikes. We all have had our own little or big experiences that have turned us into the little or big man or woman that we are today. And if it weren't for those lessons we learnt from our different situations we wouldn't have become better at anything. Like in school if you don't study you are more likely to fail. The weird thing about life is that when you learn the hard way, it's normally directed to you the victim not the company you keep. Your friends might have been with you to the party but you are most likely to wake up hung over alone. When the going gets turf we must learn to toughen up on our own.

When both my parents died I thought it was the end of me. I never thought of it nor saw it coming. At school I was not the same academic that I had been, I stopped studying and lost focus. I made friends with non-motivational people who got me into smoking cigarettes and drinking. I felt at ease in my drunken state because it would help me get by and forget the pain I was in.

The problem with these substances is that they only feel as if they are helping but they are not. As soon as you are sober from them, your problems haven't gone away and your pain is not numb. They deprive you from facing the truth heads on. You lie to yourself because the truth brings so much pain, it's as if it's unbearable.

I started to love myself less and eventually abused alcohol to sleep at night because my conscious was killing me. When I looked in the mirror I could see myself physically but I had forgotten who I am. My drive and my passion were nowhere to be recognised. I lost interest in the things that kept me excited about life. I feared being alone because deep down inside me I was drowning in my sorrows.

My family and close friends tried to reach out to help but we're treated like the enemy. I felt misunderstood by everyone and the more I continued with my drunken life the more I was detaching from myself. I was slowly but surely becoming what I am not. It became harder and harder to wear and fit into that mask.

At first you think you are doing okay but later you realise that you are burying yourself in misery.

I then realised that actually I am not getting better at all and the alcohol feels good for as good as it lasts but everything else remains. My parents were gone but I wasn't. I had to be sober and so was my mind. I could now think clearly. I had to accept that I am hurting and it's probably something that will take me a while to get over or even if I do not, I will eventually learn to live with it. I had to remind myself of who I am and what I had wanted out of this life. I realised that I am still here to fulfill my dreams, it's not I who died it was my parents.

What would parents have wanted for me? I knew they wanted me to fulfill myself, to be the best of who I am. I needed to drop the mask and see myself clearly as I am. I stopped with the drinking and smoking. I got myself together and this time for real. It wasn't anyone's call to make, I did it alone.

In my self-realisation, I saw how I being true about myself and situations can give a clear perspective on life. For some reason there was light in my dark tunnel. I knew I wanted to be happy and make my parents proud.

I had to be honest with myself and admit to my loss. I had to make peace with what I thought i could never understand. In gathering myself together I allowed myself to feel. I didn't need to be brave with myself, I cried as much as I needed to. I spoke to myself endlessly, asking questions that I felt I needed to ask. I prayed a lot for the pain to go away but it wasn't easy as most times I found myself yelling at God for all of this.

Sometimes we forget that the changes that we go through and challenges that we face help in growing the people we are. These experiences may take a lot from us only to find out that they give us so much in return. I mean of course our moms and dads or anyone we love for that matter is irreplaceable yet we learn to become our own people without them, we become wiser and probably learn to be true to ourselves. We fall and we get up through our willingness. We learn to make our own right choices and decisions.

The death of my parents brought a huge transformation in my life, one that money cannot buy. It gave me a new life, I learnt to be strong and courageous. I loved myself more and appreciated life. I might not know what's in store for me but I'm certain it won't take me away from who I am. It won't compromise me, it won't put a mask on my beautiful being. I can handle it and learn from it . Everyday is a new life and we are becoming!