Forgiveness is far to sweet a taste.

You ask me if I can forgive myself. That is a question I feel not fair as no sir, I will never and can never forgive myself.  How could I ever justify forgiveness when I allowed such havoc to breed and fester, until my own flesh and blood knew not what was right and good.  It seeped through us all until his badness became quite the norm.

I could offer you my reasoning, but they be just my own utterances trying to justify why I stayed with such a man.  I see all to clearly now that it was in fact my lack of fortitude that allowed my very own young brood to endure his anger and ridicule.  They learnt nothing of sweet tenderness from him.

You may believe this to be the reason for the harshness I extol?  But no, I do not carry my load with a weariness often found in those racked with guilt.  Nor do I allow this act of self judgement to bring me to my knees, although to my knees I often fell.  

What made me stay and bear my load?  Well maybe sir I carried on as I did because it was better not to think of the worst times that he gave to us. For surely, it is far better that these are left outside the reasoning of my mind.  Too much thought would have destroyed me. Then sir, tell how would I have carried hope? For it was only this hope that was in me that allowed us to carry each day as we did. If I did not hope for the day, I could be a worthy wife for him then why did I wake and breath the air each day?   But sir you know I did wake one morning and knew that if I did not walk away from my life that day I would not have walked again.

Thus, I found myself alone and struggling with no help but from my eldest child.  I fell again for a charming man. I may be foolish sir but who does not hope for love?  The sweet lullaby this man sung turned into a slow ballad of a foolish maid.  This man allowed my hope to feel as though it was now not a foolish notion I once had, but soon I felt his scorn and contempt.  He allowed the belief to grow that it was my own mental instability that caused his bad taste for me and my son. His lack of understanding and belittling of my boy led to behaviours I am ashamed to tell of.

This trickster had me fooled for 9 long years before he bade us farewell.  With his wave to us he left us not free of his control but still captured within his words and deeds.   I still wonder if he understands how ruinous he was for us.  I dare not believe he knew what he did.  Surely no man takes pleasure in destroying all that is loving and trusting?

I am now alone just my thoughts keep me warm in bed.  I see clearly my wrongdoing and cannot allow myself self-pity.  No matter how much kindly souls such as yourself sir tell me I did all I could. No matter how much others try to justify my own sorry situation.  I sir can never allow myself to taste the sweet calm that forgiveness brings as sir I will never be able to look at my past without shame and anger.