The Birthday Scare

  I held the door open for Sophia to walk out of the grogshop ahead of me while she made a joke about the gesture. We laughed about it while I joined her on the sidewalk. She was already tipsy after three bottles and to think that she had bragged about going on to five. Me, on the other hand, one bottle had done it for me. I couldn't tell if I was tired or just drunk at the moment but I could bet that I would probably wake up on the roof of my house with no idea how I got there. My problem at the moment was to make it home in the first place-in one piece. I tentatively put an arm around her shoulder and she held on to the arm with one hand and reached out for my waist with the other. She cracked a joke about being the one to break my virginity. Yeah, you guessed right. This was only just my first alcohol. And it would be my last. 

  Fast forward the night past the long walk where we cracked jokes and laughed at the top of our voices and then started doing our own remix of various songs and laughing at our own cacophonic voices to the part where we had to part ways. Sophia offered to walk me to my house to make sure I didn't walk all the way to Germany and then I told her that it wouldn't be so bad if that happened. She insisted and then I told her that I'd never sleep fine if she had to walk back on her own. I emphasized that I had downed just one bottle and she had three and then she reminded me that I was the newbie and added that she'd never forgive herself if something happened to me. I thought that was a bit archaic and laughed it off. I assured her I was going to be fine and she did some test on me. She raised a hand up and asked me how many fingers she held up and then she asked me for the date and who was the president of Russia. Russia? I mean...We're in Nigeria. In times like this you don't ask about Russia, right? I answered all correctly anyway and she was flummoxed that I knew the name of the president of Russia. She bit her tongue trying to pronounce the name after me. I asked her why she asked when she didn't even know the answer in the first place and she retorted that she had expected me to say I didn't know and that now she had doubts about my sanity. I laughed. She didn't and then a battle started waging in my head. 'Don't say it.' One voice was saying. 'Say it now, idiot.' Another was saying. Immediately, I put on my most sober face and reached a hand out to her face. I traced my finger from her temple down to her jawline and let it rest on her chin.

  "I love you, Sophie." I said and then bombs started going off in my head.

  A smirk appeared on her face. "Aww. I love me, too." She said and nipped my cheeks. She wished me goodnight and promised to check on me within the hour to make sure I was alright. I told her I'd call her when I got home. She began to walk away while giving me tips in case I woke up with a hangover and then she reminded me that the next day was a workday 'just in case'. I watched her leave for a while before moving on. Now it was just my thoughts and I. I didn't feel bad about what I had said to Sophia. I was rather glad that I said it and I made up my mind to keep saying it to her every chance I get. It was funny but my chest was feeling somewhat lighter. It was like the words I let out had been a weight for a really long time. I had known Sophie for seven months now right from when she joined Czar Information Science & Technology Consulting where I have been working since I joined the labor force eight years ago. The feelings had crept on me but then Sophia was only interested in putting me in the friend zone it seemed. I couldn't let that happen. I decided to put her out of my mind for now and just observe the world. They said a drunkard always found his way home and though I didn't think I was drunk, it only just occurred to me that I had taken the longer route by missing a turn. The street was still busy with cars speeding past and lights from the shops arrayed on both sides of the road fed the street with bright lights. A boutique here, a photo studio there and a local restaurant somewhere in the amalgam. It was already past 8 so a few of the shops were logically closed for the day. I walked past a unisex boutique named Kael's. I knew the owners. Kayode and his wife, Elizabeth. They had been my neighbors four years ago but now they owned several Kael outlets and a house. I knew if it so happened that things worked with Sophia and I, one of us would be forced to quit work at CIST Consulting. I tried to imagine that she and I joined the first two alphabets of our first names like Kayode and Elizabeth had done and started freelance services but the result was a very awkward nomenclature so I dropped it. I gave the manager standing outside the boutique a slight nod and exchanged greetings while shaking hands and then his phone went off in his pocket. I moved on but I heard him speak into the phone.

  "Hello...who's this?..." Then he gave a positive response followed with a grunt. I was minding my own business but the young manager was unnecessarily loud so I couldn't help but hear his side of the conversation from three feet. I tucked my hands into my pocket, ready to continue minding my own business but then I heard him hiss and say 'bros!' I looked back not sure if he wanted my attention or someone else's but it turned out that I was the one he wanted.

  "Sorry, the call is for you." The young manager said walking towards me. I made an effort to close the gap between us as well and asked him how it was possible. He said the caller described me and the exact cloth I was wearing. I gave myself a once-over. I was clad in a suit and tie. I hated that nowadays a computer nerd had to wear corporate clothes but it was one of the bylaws of being an employee at CIST. I accepted the phone and looked at the caller ID. It read 'Private Number'.

  "Hello," I said into the phone and half expected to hear Sophia's voice but the voice that responded was a far cry from that. It was a female's voice but it was an electronic female voice that reminded me only of Siri on my IPhone and the voice said the most shocking thing in the world.

  "Hello, Four Double One. You have to do as I say if you wish to live."

  Nice try at a joke, I thought. But who was behind this. My best guess was Sophia or some other guy from the office. Rough play. But I thought I should play along. I snorted and said, "Really? Is this the best you could come up with?"

  "Good thing you're smiling. It should keep them unalarmed if they're watching you right now. This line is secure so our conversation is safe."

  "Okay, fine. The joke's on me. Cut the crap," I said getting impatient already. I could feel the manager's gaze on me and turned to face another direction using the guise of sweeping the street for the prankster.

  "Listen, Four Double One, you've been written off as dead as it has been recorded that you were murdered in your apartment on Monday, May 27, 2019 at 10pm. And that's only just a short time from now."

  "What are you talking about?" Now, I was no longer smiling. "What is Double Four One ..or whatever. Who are you?" Now I was scanning the street frantically.

  "The Detectives have been sent after you with your death warrant."

  "What detectives. Why do they want me...?" I couldn't say 'dead'. I didn't want the manager hearing that.

  "Now, I'm not speaking of detectives that investigate cases and carry badges and small guns. The Detectives are freelance assassins hired by the company you work for and they want you dead..."

  "Okay, this is going too far. Stop it already." I switched hands as the one I used to glue the device to my ear was already clammy.

  "I don't have much time. Listen, Four Double One, you must not go home. Meet me at the Oshodi terminal as soon as you can. I'm your only chance of surviving the night. I'd spot you. The password is Sophie."

  "Shit! I knew it was you, Sophie!" I said into the phone but the call had already ended and then I was shouting 'hello' repeatedly into the phone till the manager told me the call had probably disconnected. I looked at the screen and confirmed it but I held on tightly to the phone willing it to ring as I knew I couldn't redial a private number.

  "Is everything alright?" The manager asked.

  "Sure." I said and handed his phone back to him. "Just a prank." I added and faked a smile but I could hear my voice quavering. I wasn't convinced that it was a prank. I pulled out my device to see if I had missed any calls but I had nothing. I went through my call log and hit Sophia's number. I thanked the manager and bid him goodnight as soon as I heard the ring. Sophia picked on the third ring and said she was already dreaming of a white pony riding in a field. She asked if I had gotten home and I said no. When she asked why I was calling, I thought to mention the call I had received moments ago and ask if she had anything to do with it but instead I said something odd.

  "I was just missing you and wanted to hear your voice. It could be my compass to home, I guess."

  "Aww. Lover boy. Okay I'm going to stay on the line with you till you get home. How's that?" She stifled a yawn.

  Okay, so she wasn't the one then. She sounded too tired to pull such a prank and she seemed to care more that I got home rather than end up in Oshodi just so she could make a ridicule of how I got lost after only one bottle.

  "That's really great." I said and then I was not sure what to say next but Sophia was a great conversationalist. She asked me if I've ever witnessed a bar fight before. I said yes and then told her about that one time when my oldest brother badly wanted to die so badly that he confronted a whale-like human that would have snapped his neck with a slap. The fight was over a woman. The big man had been ogling my brother's lady while she played snooker and just like that my brother just decided he was tired of life and decided to attack. The first punch he received restored his senses, I told Sophia. She laughed and I told her I had to beg the big guy to forgive my brother's rudeness. I remembered telling the big guy he had an oglers permit that we were just fine with him staring. Sophia thought it was less gentlemanly of me.

  "Whaaaat?" I exclaimed. "You're expecting a bag of bones like me to take on a guy that would have made Thanos pee in his pants. Nah. I'd pass."

  "But he's your brother. Couldn't you fight for him?"

  "Ah! I handle issues with diplomacy. I fought for him in the best way that I could. Negotiating with the mammoth was frightening enough."

  "So if I was your lady and some dude was harassing me..."

  "Please, don't." I pleaded.

  She laughed out loud and told me of some funny scenarios that made me laugh till I thought I was going to cry. Time flew as we talked and I felt better now. The prank call was already out of my memory. I was already at my gate when Sophia yawned and said she really needed to sleep. I gave her my gratitude and assured her I was already at home by letting her hear me slide the bolt on the main gate open before ending the call. I restored my device to my pocket as I carefully retrieved my hand from the squared hole that allowed me to unbolt the gate from outside. As I swung it open, I saw one of the neighbors on the other side waiting to make her way out. I greeted her and beckoned her to pass before I walked in. She thanked me and asked about my day. I replied positively with a smile and bade her goodnight as I walked in and bolted the gate from inside.

  I made my way to the stairs that led to my apartment on the second floor and fished my keys from my pocket as I ascended. It didn't take me long to get to my door and then I unlocked it and in no time I was inside. It was pitch black till I flipped the switch a few inches away from the doorway and then my heart skipped. I still can't explain what I felt but I remember leaning hard against the door I had just shut as though I thought I could find myself on the other side of it without even touching the knob. And then my heart was racing. The icy fear that gripped me was indescribable and unlike anything I had ever felt before because right there, in my living room and directly in front of me, a man was standing with his back to me. I was too scared to move. I should have listened and just gone to the terminal as advised on the phone. I heard a sigh of frustration from the man.

  “You came too early,” he said. Before my mind could run an analysis on the voice, the man turned around to face me and there I was staring at my older brother, Greg.

  I hadn’t even recovered from that shock yet and then the whole house was filled with noise as people began to crawl out from everywhere. The kitchen, the rooms, the balcony, even from behind sofa chairs.

  They were all screaming the same thing. “Happy Birthday, Lucas!” and they were rushing at me like zombies rushing their target. The last thing I saw was the smirk on my brother’s face as I was lifted up and thrown into the air by hands bigger than my head and when I came down, I landed on a bed of hands. All steady and ready, passing me around in the air. Confetti and strobe lights danced around as I felt the pulse of an electronic music fade in from speakers I couldn’t see yet. I tugged at my tie and loosed it all the way. I was ready to get lost in the moment. It had been a long busy year and I had forgotten about my birthday. Totally. There was no single anticipation for it. It went like that every year, but this was the first time I was getting this treatment. I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes.

  I was passed around in the air for much longer and then I was brought to stand on my feet again. I staggered a little but someone caught me. It was Greg. He embraced me. I didn’t even know I was crying.

  “Damn you, Greg. Damn you.” I said as he patted my back gently.

  “I know. I know.” He said and pulled me arm’s length away from him and then pulled me in for another embrace. “Two years, eh?” He said with his chin resting on my neck. I held on tighter than I should. I had totally forgotten that I promised myself to be mad at him when next I see him.

  When we broke the embrace finally, I looked around my living room which now looked like a disco. I saw faces I recognized. Almost everyone from my office and a couple of old friends were here. Even the young manager from Kael’s was present. I palmed my face with my two hands.

  “Awwn.” Most of them chorused.

  After a lot of handshakes, fist bumps, hugs, pats on the back and kisses, I looked to Greg.

  “Was this your doing?” I asked.

  Greg only shrugged and whisked himself away easily leaving me with the stupid grin on my face. The grin froze when I saw Sophie. She was approaching me with a big smile on her face.

  “Happy Birthday, Lucas.” She whispered and kissed my cheeks.

  I chuckled. Before I could say anything, she raised a forefinger to my lips and winked.