Contest #214 shortlist ⭐️

28 comments

Thriller

The story begins with Jason tossing his camping gear down the steps. Then he kicks it. Then he hits the wall with his fist. His mother's boyfriend, Kyle, steps into the living room and gives him a look. His mother starts to say something, but Kyle silences her.

"Get ahold of yourself, boy. You know what to do. Just because life unravels doesn't mean you have the right to unravel along with it. At fourteen, you've come to the age where you're too old to act this way. We've talked about this before."

Jason takes deep breaths, then sits down on the steps.

"Everything's ruined. Dad's bringing Zachary along on the camping trip that was supposed to include just me and Dad."

"Did he give a reason?"

"Zachary's grandmother is sick and can't take care of him."

"The boy is only nine years old. You can't expect him to care for himself. It sounds like this is something that can't be helped. You should get to know your half-brother a little better, anyway. None of what happened between your parents was his fault, and it sounds like your father is doing his best. It's still possible for you to have a good time."

"I'm just disappointed, is all. I'm sorry, Mom, Kyle."

"It's okay. I understand," said Jason's mother. "Is he still picking you up at the same time?"

Jason nodded. "Five a.m." He checked his duffle to see if he'd broken anything with his tantrum and set everything beside the door.

~*~

It was the summer before Jason started high school. The camping trip with his father had been planned for a year. It's what he had asked for on his birthday the previous year. Two weeks alone—just him and Dad. They could talk, maybe. There were some questions he wanted to ask. He'd barely seen the man since his parents divorced five years earlier.


The next morning, Kyle walked Jason outside to the jeep his father pulled up in and shook his hand in greeting. Cool and dignified, while Jason felt his emotions running all over the place.

"You men have fun now," Kyle said, embracing Jason and winking at young Zachary in the back seat. Jason took the front seat and tossed his father a forgiving smile. Kyle was right. There was no reason he couldn't have a good time.

"Hi, Jason," Zachary smiled from the back. "Thanks for letting me come. I'm so excited."

Jason gave him a nod and a half smile.

They were on their way.

 ~*~

Jason's mother, Tara, watched the departure from behind the blinds. Kyle was kind to walk her son to her ex-husband's vehicle. She hadn't wanted to see him. What a nightmare to discover Colton had a four-year-old son and had been half-living with another woman for years. Finding out all the truth had devastated her. She'd become completely unhinged at the time and had taken her son to drown in sorrow alongside her. Behavior issues followed. The school recommended a psychiatrist. Diagnoses and expenses racked up while prescribed medications made things worse. Then Tara met Kyle. A behavior counselor.

"Psychiatrists love angry patients who keep their thoughts to themselves and don't like change."

Now, with the stability of Kyle to guide him, Jason was healing at last. While the past behavior pattern had flared up briefly over Zachary's last-minute inclusion into the plans, the outburst had been defused at once, something she was grateful for. Calm had finally arrived.  

For Colton, however, life had been a nightmare. Her ex-husband's second child by Marion, had died at nine months old. A police investigation ruled the death as accidental. Crib death, and Marion was dead now as well. Zachary's maternal grandmother watched him while Colton worked.

That poor family, she thought. Compassion was returning at last. She prayed the camping trip would bring Jason forgiveness for what had happened in the past. Having Zachary along could help.

~*~

"This diner is the kind of place your grandparents ate in when they were children. I wanted you boys to see it. No one even makes malts anymore, and how do you like the extra in the metal can?"

Jason and Zachary had both chosen chocolate-flavored malts. They sipped them from white paper straws with red stripes. Jason enjoyed that Dad was talking about something normal for a change, something he could pass on to his friends or write about in an essay entitled The Camping Trip. For once, he wasn't trying to explain why he had a girlfriend and another son while still married, not sobbing on the phone that his half-sister, Evelyn, had died in her sleep or that his new wife Marion had taken her own life. Zachary, too, seemed normal. Not the evil-eyed monster he'd imagined.

The phone rang, and Dad excused himself to take the call outside.

"He has a new girlfriend," Zachary whispered. "My grandma doesn't like her. She says the woman is half his age and is looking for easy money. Did you know our father was rich?"  

Dad returned. The burgers and fries were delivered—the best Jason ever had. And the answer to the question was no. He hadn't known his father was rich.

"Three things I'd like to accomplish during our expedition," Dad continued. "I want us each to catch a fish. I want to watch a meteor shower while laying on my back in my sleeping bag, and if we chance to see a working drive-in theater, I'm pulling in."

Dad's phone rang again. Jason caught the picture of a girl in a bikini before he silenced the phone.

As they drove to the campground located on a mountain in California, Jason discovered that he and Zachary liked the same music, and they sang along to the radio. The girl in the bikini flashed several times as their father drove. When they stopped at a gas station, he made a call while Jason and Zack went to use the bathroom and get snacks.

 ~*~

It took two full days to reach the campsite. That night, Jason fell asleep while a meteor shower played out overhead. The day of emotions had depleted him, but it was good. Kyle was going to be proud of him. He'd even stopped a tantrum in the making when Zachary insisted it was his turn to sit in the front seat.

"It's my turn!" Zack had shouted while stamping his foot with his face turning red. His half-brother was the same age Jason had been when all the trouble started. He wondered if his nine-year-old face had shown such rage. It was over in minutes. Zachary was back to himself, talking about his science fair award.

"Are you smart, Jason? I won the science fair at our school this year. My project demonstrated electrical conductors and non-conductors. There wasn't much competition for me, though. Sarah Dowling was the closest, and she cried when her volcano wouldn't erupt."

~*~

"It's a fine day for fishing," Dad announced the next morning. After a breakfast of eggs and bacon cooked over a campfire with bread toasted like marshmallows, the two boys cleaned up while their father tried to call Tiffany. There was no signal. They drove the jeep to the water and rented a boat and equipment. Zachary got the hang of it right away. He'd caught three of the slimy things by the time Dad caught one. Jason couldn't catch anything. Failure was something he still struggled with, and as the other two reeled in catch after catch, he struggled not to break his fishing rod in half or toss it far out into the lake.

"This is fun, isn't it, Dad?" Zack kept saying.

Jason was ready to push him out of the boat, but he didn't know whether he could swim.

At last, he caught something about four inches long, and they left.

~*~

The next day, they walked a marked trail, bringing snacks, cheese sandwiches, and full water bottles. The sights were amazing. Jason took pictures from his phone. Zackary began to complain that his feet hurt. He didn't like the cheese in the sandwiches and complained about that, too. Zachary ate just the bread and then all his snacks. He kicked loose rocks as he walked and once hit Jason on his leg.

"Watch it," Jason warned.

Zachary scowled.

Dad tried his phone every so often. No signal.

"Can you imagine the men and women who crossed the wilderness to make this great country before anyone even lived here?"

"The natives lived here," Jason argued.

"And they rode horses," Zachary complained.

Dad tried his phone again. This time, he got a signal and told them to take a break while he made a call.

I miss you too.

I can't leave now we're out in the wilderness. 

The jeep is miles behind us. 

No, I can't meet you. 

I can't leave the boys on their own. 

Twenty minutes of words too soft to hear followed.

Jason squirted water at Zachary. Zachary threw dirt. By the time their father finished his call, they were muddy messes.

He barely noticed.

"Let's head back, boys, and pack up the jeep. We'll drive into town and have a steak at that restaurant we passed on the way in. I'm famished. Are you hungry? There's one of those drive-in theaters, too. And a hotel. We'll cheat tonight and return to camping tomorrow. What do you say?"

Jason said it sounded like fun.

Zachary asked what was playing.

"It doesn't matter, does it?" Dad answered. He whistled as they made their way back.


Tiffany came to the restaurant. Dad introduced her as Sandra, and she played along, but Jason recognized the bikini girl. He was sure Zachary recognized her, too.

"Join us!" Dad insisted. They were halfway through their meals.

She ordered a salad, a purple martini, and all of their father's attention.

"Dad, can you see what's playing at the drive-in?" Zack asked.

Ignored.

"Dad?"

Ignored.

"DAD!"

"What! It's rude to interrupt. Apologize to Sandra."

"I apologize. TIFFANY!"

Dad smacked Zachary across the mouth. No one saw it, but Jason was mortified just the same.

"We're going out to the car," Jason said, pulling his brother by the arm, who was trying not to cry.


It took twenty minutes for the two to come out, and after an intimate goodbye, Tiffany ignored the boys to drive away in a flashy blue Mustang. Dad jumped into the jeep.

"Well, are we going to the movies, or are you two still throwing tantrums?"

"Movies," said Zack. Jason said nothing. He was still throwing tantrums. Taking deep breaths. Tamping down emotions. A half-hour after the movie started, Dad excused himself to use the bathroom.

"Either of you have to go?"

They shook their heads. Meg 2 was playing. An hour later, he still had yet to return. The movie ended. The second feature began, but they were too tired to watch it.

"Look," said Zack. "The motel key is right there, and the jeep keys are in the ignition. You should drive us back."

"I don't have a license, and we should wait for Dad."

"He's with her, you know. He's always with her. The motel's just down the street from here. Are you afraid?"

Jason started the engine.

"Put on your seatbelt." He'd practiced driving in parking lots with Kyle. If he was careful and didn't damage the car, there wouldn't be any problem. For him, it would be the high point of the trip. Something he'd never forget. The worst that could happen would be for Dad to send him home. He backed out of the space and turned the wheel. It only took seven minutes to get to the motel. The blue Mustang was parked outside room number 23. Their room. Dad stepped out as they pulled up.

"Where were you?" Jason jumped out and shouted before anything was said about him driving. "Zack was scared, and I was worried. You lied to us. What kind of father are you? I hate you."

"Is Tiffany in our room?" Zack asked. "Where are we going to sleep?"

"Relax. I got a separate room for you both. Get some sleep. We'll all feel better in the morning. A fresh start." He handed Jason the key to room 17, three doors down. His bag from the campground was on one of the beds, and he threw himself beside it.

"I hate him," he said, pounding his fists into the bed.

"I hate him, too," said Zachary. "Do you know he has a life insurance policy for a million dollars? I saw it. You and I are the only beneficiaries."

"Shut up," said Jason. "Go to bed."

Zachary brushed his teeth and put on his pajamas.

"Have you ever done anything really bad?" Zack asked just before he turned out the light.

Too many things, Jason thought before falling asleep.


They were awakened by a knock on the door.

"Let's go boys. It's time to get back to nature. We're sleeping even closer to the stars tonight."

They started off with Jason in the front seat. Dad told them about a park Tiffany had recommended with a fantastic view.

"You can see three states away."

There was no forthcoming apology, and not a word was said about the drive-in incident or Jason's unlawful drive to the motel.

They carried everything on their backs. Sleeping bags, water, food, lanterns, lighters, flashlights.

"Just us and nature," Dad said at least fifty times as they struggled up the switch backed path to the top.

"Can we take a break?" asked Zachary. "I'm thirsty, and my legs need a rest."

"Shouldn't be much further. Toughen up. You can do it."

Jason didn't talk. Kyle referred to this as shutting down. Not coping with not coping. You have to let your feelings out. They build up like steam or thunderclouds. He climbed without thought. Step by step.

At last, they stopped and chose a place with a view away from the handful of other campers. Jason laid out his sleeping bag and gulped from his water bottle. A pump to refill it lay within an easy walk. He longed to be alone, but Zachary laid out his sleeping bag nearby and drank thirstily, too, pulling out snacks with a pile of comic books. He smiled at Jason. Jason glowered back, then stared at the view. Maybe he could see three states away. How high were they? He'd have to ask Dad, but not now. For now, just gazing was enough.

Dad built a campfire in the stone fire pit the park provided. Neither of the boys offered to help, and their father didn't ask.

Suddenly, there was a giggle. Jason and Zack looked at each other; identical dread on their faces. Tiffany!

"Well, look who's here, boys."

Tiffany ignored them to throw her arms around Dad. She was red and sweaty, carrying a purple backpack that probably contained nothing more than lipstick.

"Where is she going to sleep?" Zachary asked.

Another giggle, but no one answered. They all knew where she would sleep.

After a meal of hotdogs and s'mores from the food they'd carried up, their father and Tiffany went for a walk, taking Dad's sleeping bag with them. Darkness was falling.

"Let's follow them," Zachary urged.

Jason ignored him, and Zachary set off alone.

He breathed a sigh of relief. This was what he needed. Five minutes to talk himself down. A mild scream sounded from the distance. Tiffany, no doubt. Great, thought Jason. They were doing it. It was as if he and Zack weren't even here. His father was such a shit. Poor Zachary. To think he'd been jealous of him having their father all to himself.

Zachary returned and took a seat beside the fire. They had enough wood to keep it going for a few hours.

"I once broke every window in my house with bricks," Jason said in answer to Zack's question.

Zack laughed out loud.

"I poured water into Sarah Dowling's volcano."

They both laughed. It felt good to laugh.  

We don't need Dad, thought Jason.

"I'm glad you came," he said to his brother. "I can't imagine being here with only those two for company.

Zachary nodded. "What else did you do?" he asked.

"I let the air out of my psychiatrist's tires. I broke into neighbors' houses and stole money. I skipped a lot of school. I got into fights. I pushed a boy down the school steps. He got a concussion."

Every offense set Zachary into peals of laughter. Giddiness. Getting silly. Jason felt it, too. Maybe it was the high altitude. Thinking about the girl who couldn't understand why her volcano wouldn't light, struck him funny.

"Tell me about your experiment again," Jason grinned.

"I used water for a conductor. Electricity travels through water. When my mother found out I had accidentally smothered the baby because I couldn't sleep, she wanted to send me away. She set up an appointment, but I didn't want to go. She was blow-drying her hair in the bathtub to save time. Dad had warned her not to do that. It was so wrong. I thought she should learn a lesson and knocked it out of her hands. The electricity traveled through the water. She got sent away instead." Zachary laughed again.

Jason stopped laughing and vomited instead as comprehension crashed down. Tiffany's scream. No! No! No! He began shutting down.

~*~

"Tara Benson?"

"Yes."

"Bob Jackson, I'm a Park Ranger in California. I have your son, Jason. Can you come? He seems to be in shock, and we're sending him to G.S. Memorial Hospital in Sacramento. There's an active search for the rest of his party….


September 05, 2023 16:08

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28 comments

Amanda Lieser
23:16 Oct 10, 2023

Oh my gosh, Karen! What a beautifully written story! The POV was great because it gave us the sense of confusion and fear as we slowly built up this story. I also loved the way that you introduced all of these characters-as kids, there’s so little control with who is or isn’t in our lives. Nice work and congratulations on the shortlist!!

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Karen Corr
13:09 Oct 11, 2023

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment so positively, Amanda. I’m glad you enjoyed it. (:

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Story Time
17:06 Sep 18, 2023

This really had me on edge. The pacing was really well done, and I loved the ending. Well done.

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Karen Corr
19:41 Sep 18, 2023

Thank you, Kevin! Your praise means a lot. ;-)

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Philip Ebuluofor
16:23 Sep 17, 2023

Congrats. Scary one. Zachary ha!

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Karen Corr
17:06 Sep 17, 2023

Thank you Philip! Thanks for reading and liking!

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Philip Ebuluofor
17:13 Sep 17, 2023

Welcome.

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Serena Riche
00:56 Sep 17, 2023

This was a good story, I was engaged and did not expect that twist at the end. Loved it!

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Karen Corr
02:57 Sep 17, 2023

Thank you, Serena! I’m glad you enjoyed it!

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Marty B
01:11 Sep 16, 2023

Congrats on the shortlist! I loved how you created the boys as characters, and their individual viewpoints of dealing with an absent father. The mental abuse they both suffered erupted in different ways. Jason eventually learned to pour water on his emotions- For poor Zach, it sparked into violence. Great twist at the end- Thanks!

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Karen Corr
15:25 Sep 16, 2023

Thank you, Marty! I'm glad you liked it! 😊

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Livana Teagan
20:17 Sep 15, 2023

Two half siblings bonding over their sh** head of a father… How wholesome. Until it wasn’t. 😂 I loved this 💜 Well done!!! Congrats!!!

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Karen Corr
23:55 Sep 15, 2023

Thank you so much, Danie! Your comments mean a lot to me.

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Hannah Lynn
19:41 Sep 15, 2023

Congratulations!!! How exciting 😊

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Karen Corr
23:54 Sep 15, 2023

Same to you! Best of luck on your next entry!

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Hannah Lynn
03:15 Sep 17, 2023

Good luck to you as well! I’m having the best time being part of this group, reading and writing all week.

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Hannah Lynn
02:43 Sep 14, 2023

Wow! I did not see that end coming and it really scared me! Job well done!

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Karen Corr
18:41 Sep 14, 2023

Thanks! I thought I left too many clues.

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Mike Rush
19:19 Sep 10, 2023

Karen, This story is so good. Extra points for the plot, but it's well written too. I love your main character because he's resourceful. He's a survivor. And your narrator is affable and easy too. You've done an amazing job portraying the father as a class A turd. I've been around writing enough to know that characters should touch some emotion in readers. And I can write heart-felt characters; the kind that elicit hope and love in readers. But I'm no good at the kind of writing you've done here. That guy is awful. Two families, and now t...

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Karen Corr
22:32 Sep 10, 2023

Nothing builds confidence for a writer than when a reader responds just like you did. Thank you so much for your praise, Mike. You made my day.

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Ty Warmbrodt
12:15 Sep 07, 2023

Wow! Devilishly delightful ending. Great Story.

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Karen Corr
23:42 Sep 07, 2023

Thank you Ty! Thanks for reading and I appreciate the praise.

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Howard Halsall
23:52 Sep 05, 2023

Hey Karen, I enjoyed reading your story and liked the escalating tension leading to the twist at the end. I would’ve loved more background info about Dad and the reasons for his behaviour; had he been badly treated in the past? What happened during the marriage that caused him to be unfaithful? Why was he so selfish and self-obsessed? However, overall I reckon you’ve written an impressive piece and I look forward to your next one. Take care HH

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Karen Corr
10:25 Sep 06, 2023

Poor Jason had those same questions…. Thanks for reading, Howard. Thank you for your critique and kind words.

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Mary Bendickson
18:04 Sep 05, 2023

Scary good story with horrific twist.

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Karen Corr
20:26 Sep 05, 2023

Thanks, Mary! (❁´◡`❁)

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Mary Bendickson
15:09 Sep 15, 2023

Congrats on shortlist!

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Karen Corr
15:16 Sep 15, 2023

Thank you, Mary! 😊

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