From Shame

I’ve been here for several days it feels like.

Blue skies meet blue oceans.

I still feel a sense of fear, but the fear is now a dull ache compared to the urgent choking it had on me in the beginning.

When I first started my journey I had all the belongings I could have needed for a 3 to 4-hour kayaking trip. This was a leisurely trip meant to be enjoyed. Meant to be easy. It has turned into a nightmare; a punishment for her stupidity. This is how they always write it up in the News, isn’t it?

‘World’s Dumbest Woman Goes Missing after Refusing to Listen to Smart, Heart of Gold Wife’

I knew something was wrong when my phone began to lose power. I had charged it the night before so there was no way that the charge ran down that fast. The time at the top has now become indistinguishable numbers making the time impossible to tell.

How could things have gone so wrong and WHEN?

As I close my eyes I remember what now feels like days ago:

“I’ll only be gone for a few hours. I just feel like getting out and adventuring! Look at how close that island is! You’ll be able to see me the whole way”

“June - I understand, but don’t you think you should just take a guided kayak trip? This plan you’ve thrown together just a few hours ago sounds… dumb and dangerous.” I knew Olivia, my partner, meant no offense- only to make me rethink my plan- but I was foolishly headstrong. I just HAD to take a trip. I couldn’t just take a guided tour through the gorgeous waters of the Bahamas. I needed to go.

“I am not going to pay a million dollars for a guide to take me to the island I can see from here. I promise I’ll be safe and back soon.” I gave Olivia a kiss, put on my sunscreen, and left. Looking back I should have stayed.

Every few moments there is a glimpse of the land. Distorted and possibly a hallucination, but there is a glimmer of hope. I have run out of drinkable water and I did not bring any food. With the heat blaring down, I worry that I may -

I feel the boat hit something soft but solid.

My eyes shoot open as I sit upright and inspect something.

Green. A bird flying by.

I’ve hit the island! Finally, I made it! It must have been further than I anticipated. I pull my kayak up onto the shore until the ocean lips just the back. Every step I take feels solid, but unnerving. Like my body knows something I don’t. Scanning the horizon I can see the Bahamas as if it were less than a mile away.

The first thing that needs to be done is to find fresh water and make some coconuts for sustenance. Although the sun never set, my stomach is telling me I’ve been gone longer than I thought I would be.

Just then the limbs on the thick brush behind me dance as if being pushed from behind. At first, the rustling is soft and swaying, then the longer I stare the more aggressive it becomes until it suddenly stops. There is no more movement among any of the palm trees or their surrounding brush. I wait a moment feeling frozen in time.

Slowly the wind blows through bringing movement back into this island.

As I turn to check the kayak it's gone.

The indent in the sand where I pulled it up is gone.

Holding my head in my hands I lay down in the sand to collect my barrings. Then a nudge on my foot. Just a nudge. I open my eyes and pick up my head to see a child kneeling at my knees.

She is pale, clean, and smiling with a coconut in her hand. She looks oddly familiar. Without saying a word she gently takes my hand - taking care not to move quickly - and places the coconut in my hand. “Drink,” Her voice is ethereal. Like a melodic harmony.

While keeping an eye above the coconut I greedily drink from the coconut. Its rough and hairy edges dug into the splits on my dry cracked lips.

“You’re almost here. I don’t know if you’re ready.” That voice. She speaks in me and all around. Calming yet frightening.

“I don’t know where I’m almost to... I just was taking a kayak trip to this island, but I don’t know what happened. How did you end up here? Do you have a house or parents here?” I’m beginning to sound frantic. I need to calm down.

“No one lives here. Those who come here need guidance. I am here to guide you,” She says.

“I need food and water to get back to the Bahamas. And my kayak! Oh god, have you seen my kayak?” The more I feel the coconut water soaking into my body curing my thirst the more I start to panic.

“Let me help you,” She stands and a white dress flows around her almost mystically. The hem at her ankles glows with a colorful effervescence. As she walks away I remember a dress that I imagined just like that when I was a child. Shaking myself loose from my memory I realize she is more than 10 feet ahead of me. Moving through the brush effortlessly as I scramble through to catch up getting cut and scraped on every inch of my bare arms.

“You’re lost,” She whispers, but I hear it clearly in me.

“I am. What is your name? How can you help me? Are you human?” I tell myself that my voice will sound less panicked the next time I talk. Maybe next time.

“I will help you. I am human.” She leads me to a path cut through the middle of the brush. “This will help you find your way back. Follow it.”

“Okay, but - " As I look back to where she was standing I realize I am alone. “Alright… I guess I’ll just follow this path then.”

Follow it. I follow it to a house. My house from when I was a teenager. But it’s different. As I walk closer it somehow morphs into the home I share with Olivia.

“June.” Encompassing seems to be the only way to describe that voice. “Do you see what you need?”

“No, I don’t see my kayak anywhere. Who lives here? You said no one lives on this island.” Pride filled me as I realized I didn’t sound panicked that time.

“You’re lost. You’ve been lost. I want to help you.”

“M-kay thank you. So so much, but you have said that and have been no help.” Olivia says that I am petty and I hear it now...

“When you saw your teenage home you felt fear and shame. Then only a sense of shame when it changed to your current home. Why?” The girl seems genuinely curious. The annoyance fell off me like a heavy coat.

“I guess I’ve grown out of my shame. I came out to my parents in that house and they didn’t take it too well. I left shortly after, then I met Olivia and we built a wonderful life together.” I reply. Amazed at how normal this all feels like talking to a therapist I’ve seen for years.

“Your shame drives you forward but pulls you away from those you love. That's why you’re here. You have trouble enjoying the moments that you’re in because you feel you don’t deserve them.” The girl moves closer, her dress flowing and changing colors with each step. With every step, her features seem to grow from childlike to grown. Every step she takes closer the more I see that it’s me.

“Oh my god, you’re right. I’m always running away. I’m never settled.” Just then I see Olivia in the kitchen window. She is holding a baby. Behind her, I walk up to take the baby while she washes its bottle out. We are so happy and so free. Olivia looks happier than I’ve ever seen her.

“You can give that to her. You can give that to yourself. You just need to be vulnerable and find comfort in your vulnerability.” The girl speaks these words directly to my heart, clearing a blockage I hadn’t realized I had built.

Suddenly I feel her hands on my shoulders shaking me.

“It’s time to wake up. It’s time.” She seems to have a sense of urgency that feels too worldly for it to be coming from her. Her voice changed from in and around me to in front of me.

“Babe wake up!” Olivia is standing by the bed shaking me as the girl just had. “My god you’re going to sleep the whole day away! I thought you were going kayaking. The concierge said your kayak is ready although I still don’t think you should go.”

“I - I’m not going..” I move my hands in front of my face. It all felt too real to be a dream. I don’t even remember laying down.

“Thank god. Can we finally go lay by the pool together or did you have something else planned?” She is in her bathing suit, sunglasses, and her latest thriller in hand ready to go.

“No, I’d rather be with you. Let me get dressed.” I hopped up finally seeing what I need to see. I don’t need to constantly be moved and onto the next activity to be happy. I can just be. I will just be.

“Oh, okay. Are you bringing your work laptop with you?”

“No, I just want to be with you,” I say breathlessly trying to get dressed quickly.

“Oh, okay great.” She seems stunned, but I see something in her eye that I lost long before this trip. She looks happy.