A Deserved Ghosting

A Deserved Ghosting

I had taken it a little too far. I always take it a little too far! And this time, I lost a potentially awesome connection with an old flame.

But every fire dies out eventually. Sometimes they were never even lit. In the matter of just a few days, I both lit a flame and extinguished it. 

One lazy Saturday afternoon, I told my 9th grade crush that I had, well…a crush. She was flattered by that, and we struck up an interesting conversation. But then my ADHD tendencies took over and I got carried away with excitement and totally blew it. I asked if she wanted to be penpals, which is just uber-awkward because we’re both now in our 40’s and happily married. 

So, backing up, here’s some context: I’ve been teaching language arts at a French school in west Africa for the last several years, and I’d chosen a fun novel for my 9th graders to read. The story centers around a teenager who doesn’t realize she’s an undocumented Iranian living in California. The book is a fun romp through high school shenanigans, and my students are enjoying reading it.

One of the running threads through the story is about how the author had the same crush on a guy, destined to be a loser, all throughout her high school years. She laments repeatedly the fact she never actually told him about it. That inspired me to reach out to Mae, and let her know that she was my school crush. Way back when, she was the girl that got my motor running. 

I got this wild hair one afternoon to let Mae know how I felt. We’d been Facebook “friends” for years, so finding her wasn’t the hard part. The challenge lay in what I actually said. 

Here’s the thread of our messages:

Me: “Greetings Mae,

“So this is going to be totally random and I don’t want you to think I’m some kind of creepy stalker, but... 😱 

“So I am paying for my teenage sins by actually being a middle school teacher. All that trouble I caused as a kid comes back to me every day. Call it a karmic debt or whatever, but I actually love teaching. 

“We’re reading a book in 9th grade this fall, and it pretty much summarizes the challenges of being a teenager. One of the recurring themes is the secret crush/love interest, and my students and I are going to spend a ton of time discussing this. I’m going bold and letting them know that I’m actually getting in touch with my teen crush to spill the beans.

“As I mentioned at the beginning, we’re adults now with our own lives, so don’t think anything more than this being a bizarre, contemporary middle school project. But back in the day you were my teen crush and the one I could dream of but never have. Just FYI.

“Ok, I said it. OMG.

“Feel free to unfriend and block me. Or have a laugh and brush this off.

“Sorry for the really awkward post. I feel like a total dumbass.”

And Mae’s response, just a half hour later: “Haha! No worries at all!! I have fond memories of good old Baseline and Junior High days! I have a 13 year old daughter, so I’m getting payback for all of my teenage sins as well 😁

“Hope you’re doing well in these crazy times!”

Me: “Thanks Mae. This was a spur of the moment idea as I was reading this book for class. My students and I have been chatting all summer in Discord and I casually tossed out the question “are girls stalkers” because the author in this book talks about all her crushes. We got into this heated discussion about what a #crush is. So, I thought I’d confess. Sure made me feel awkward and I appreciate you being a good sport about it!

“And I hope you are well also. Are you still in Colorado? I’m currently on the west coast of Africa!”

Mae: “Wow! West coast of Africa sounds amazing! How long have you been there?

I have been outside Denver for the last few years, but actually just moved onto a countryside lake in July. It was kind of a spur of the moment, quick decision, so it’s been a bit of a whirlwind. But with my kids starting school 100% virtual and all of my work online, seemed like a good time to make a move 🤷‍♀️”

Me: “Very true. I’m teaching my 7yo and 3yo at home, then doing virtual middle school for 48 8th and 9th graders. Yikes. They’re all my kids now!

“Hey, it’s nice to chat with you. Super awkward way to start, but nice to hear you’re old.”

Mae: “Nice to chat w you as well.

“But, WTF...you’re just as old as me...maybe older! 😜”

Me: “Old = ok. Autocorrect 🤦‍♂️”

Mae: “Figured you’d start the conversation saying you had a crush on me and end it w calling me old 🤣🤣”

Me: “Yeah, sorry 😐 I’m probs older.”

Mae: “Good thing we age so well 😉”

Me: “Geez, I’m not winning this battle for hearts and minds, am I? All we can do is try, I guess. 🤷🏻 “

Mae: 👍🏼 

Me (the next day): “Mae, thank you for an interesting chat yesterday. My students think it’s amazing that I reached out, and are even more impressed at how good natured you were about it. They said it gives them “hope for the future.” But it really was nice to chat a bit. It’s been something like 30 years since I’ve seen you, but you are still just as lovely and engaging as I remember. Thank you for that. 

“I’ll leave you alone now, as I really am NOT a creepy stalker. But if you ever would like to chat, I’m around.”

Me (a week later): “So, question: if I did win hearts and minds the other night with my confession, would you be willing to actually talk a bit? Like, not to become BFF or anything but just to talk like pen pals?

“If not though, and you think this is creepy, then I get it and won’t bother you anymore. But don’t ghost me. At least let me know. Please.

“If the answer is yes, you’ll talk, then respond with a smiley 🙂. If it’s creepy though and the answer is no, respond with a zombie 🧟‍♀️ . 

“Or don’t respond. But that’s a lame way to be. So don’t be lame. And don’t be old, because that’s lame too 😜”

Mae, (later that afternoon): “Definitely not “ghosting”.

“Just rarely am on Facebook/messenger. I check it very sporadically and often when I’m on a conf call, then forget 🤪 But no need to apologize. You didn’t come off as a creep.”

Me: “Thank you. I was worried. I hadn’t heard from you so thought you were sketched out. That’s totally not what I meant to have happen. I was thinking of a friendly way to catch up.”

Mae: “no worries 🙂”

And that was it. It seemed friendly enough, but she ghosted me. I periodically sent her messages to say hello, and the messenger service would say that she’d seen them. But I never got another response. Like I said earlier, my inability to control bursts of excitement took advantage of me. Reading back over our messages, I just feel like a total ass. 

Maybe the bigger question is this: what was I hoping would happen from spilling beans to a middle school crush? Who does that? I did! My wife knows I love writing stories about my eclectic life, but she gave me that narrow glare that accused me of adultery. She didn’t even have to say anything for me to wonder if I had actually crossed a line. Was my text exchange with Mae a form of infidelity? Maybe I should have put more thought into this, but again, that impulsiveness I struggle with got in the way. 

And yet I can’t shake the feeling that Mae dumped me. It seems that I not only created an awkward situation for her, I also caused problems for my wife in doubting my convictions to her. I’ll need to figure out ways to stop my impulses before they become train wrecks. This is a problem I created myself, and at the end of the day, my initial intentions really don’t matter. I’ve made three people feel awkward with this stupid idea: my middle school flame, my wife, and myself. I deserved to be ghosted by Mae, and I probably deserve some punishment from the wife as well. God dammit.