At the Eleventh (11th) hour

At the Eleventh (11th) hour.......

My Mother is a bigger part of me than me that’s why it has become so hard to self love for me,

So I started to self medicate with any and all type of weed .....

Normally anytime I wanted to do something somewhat wrong he’d get upset 

But a week ago when I asked him to hook me up he got through faster than he did to win our dollar bet 

The Saturday before we started with brownies and tea behind a closed door 

Then this Sunday the day before after floating high through the week while still feeling low on the down low I decided I didn’t want no marijuana anymore 

It didn’t help me forget but it numbed me for a while which I could never forget 

Still when it was time to come down each time I came falling straight to the ground cutting myself on all the scattered shattered pieces of my never ending breaking heart and I guess that’s when I started to regret 

But then the day before the 11th month was upon me the girl brought me the most beautiful painting of my Mummy which even though I was waiting for so long caught me completely off guard 

Showing the painting to those close to me openly they smiled while inside I cried all while still believing I should have died 

I know it will sound bad but that’s the thing about living out your worst nightmare, you have no fear so if you don’t like it then sorry I’m not sorry and if you do then I guess I’m glad 

When I look at certain people smile it makes me so mad ..... I mean how come they got to be here longer just that one thought makes me beyond sad , however I know all that my Mother taught me and even though the pain hurts hard I don’t wish anyone any bad 

That day I couldn’t bring myself to put up your portrait yet after I placed it in a special safe place I still carried it around with me till late

It was only when the darkness filled the sky and Ma, my moon filled your moonshine’s eye I found myself able to come out of a long strong weak state 

I sat on our swing right next to your spot where I talked to you till I had nothing left to say so I had no choice but to stop 

Then as I came into my room the phone rang at almost 11pm and it was none other than Bood my dealer who apparently got dealt a bad hand of a batch 

He called me billions of times intoxicated before but this time was different for that ganja last night was more than his match 

Frighten he pleaded with me to come be with him until finally I got a hold of a driver and I left with his house key 

I lost track of the time it took me to get there and bring him back home by me with care until I happened to see exactly when the clock got cold along with my soul as it turned twelve when we entered the house 

I tried my utmost best to get him quickly upstairs as quiet as a mouse 

But in a matter of minutes everything changed as we closed my bedroom door behind us 

Especially he changed and according to him he changed because everything happens for a reason and we were supposed to be together this time tonight as he take in which was a must 

Lying on the bed in and out of it I was slapped back straight into that night and worst of all was when just like you did, he started playing with face 

And started calling me Dev / Devi which he doesn’t do normally but as he says he started talking to me in your place 

Looking at me as lovingly as strangely he said to me while he held on to me “your mother rell love you , she rell rell love you you know that , you know how lucky you is that she love you so much and don’t worry she know I telling you she know how much you love she believe me , she with Krishna and all the Gods but she know and she love you too” 

Then as usual the absolutely bittersweet twist that life loves throwing at us which I hate 

He grabbed on to my foot squeezing and crying saying “I call you and you say you calling me back but you don’t call me back, you never call me back I was just waiting and waiting and i had to call you back while I wait!”

My smile completely drowned in my tears that started to fall down as I remembered how I looked at you Ma straight in your innocent eye thinking your were just high due to lack of oxygen to your brain when the last thing I told you was a total lie.......

After all my fail attempts begging the doctor to bring you home same way you were begging me I decided to obey her order leave you there to my defeat 

Before I spent hours simply fooling you that just now me and your so call son in law would bring you home with you questioning me each and every time until that last time when I flat out lied to your lost lovable face you telling you I going to get a wheelchair and come back now and we going home and I left you and went and cried all the way home in the front seat 

Your little papa next door got the biggest dream when the same time you were passing he unknowingly dreamt you were in the hospital screaming “where my daughter , where Devi , call Dev I want she , where she I waiting on my daughter Devi” 

Ma I’m so sorry I should have listened and brought you home liked you begged me to / I shouldn’t have listened to the dumb doctor and come home and worst of all after all the times while you were playing with my hand and hair and face telling me you trust me with your life I shouldn’t have lie Ma , you deserve so much better than me Mummy and for that I’m so very sorry 

I lie here on my bed now as I type my horrible heart out while I replay that horror out over and over in my head wishing with all of me that you had come home healthy and happy as you very so deserved to be and I was the one left alone as i so extremely deserve to be on that bed seen directly opposite the blind nurses station in the cardiology ward of the hopeless Mt instead!

It’s minutes away to mark the minute to make the 11th month I’ve been in hell with you in heaven and believe me Ma never have I ever once even for a second believe with any part of me that this really did happen.......

By the worst daughter of the best Mother 

S.aruna.B