Open Mic Night

“Seriously?” She widens her eyes as her head follows his every move, “That’s how you want to start off?”

“Absolutely, I am taking it back a few years. To when I realized that I enjoyed writing jokes.” He smiles as she rolls her eyes.

She folds her arms across her chest, “Jake, that was also the time that your family stopped talking to you.” She questions him as he lets out a chuckle.

“Not the point of the story Naomi. Just sit back and enjoy the show.” Jake replies as he walks away to the stage.

           Jake smiles as he grabs the mic stand and begins addressing the bunch. “Whoa, there’s a lot of people here. I really appreciate you guys coming! Even if it was because someone dragged you out here.” He takes a small pause as a few people snicker at his intro, “Or simply because you found a Groupon and thought, heck why not. My IRS account thanks you.” People continue to smile and reciprocate the laughter.

           “Before I continue with my usual, feel sorry for me jokes.” A couple people scream,

           “Yeah!”

           Jake raises his eyebrows, “I’m glad it works!” he then lets out a small smile as the room fills with laughter.

           “I thought I would share with you, the moment that I realized comedy was something that I wanted to do professionally.” The room gets quieter as he continues to speak, “Well geez, is not meant to be the moment I died.” Jake continues as the crowd laughs.

           “Well, my now, newly appointed death sentence, takes place five years ago.”

As the kettle sings its usual tune, his eyes remain glued to a blank sheet of paper. Lola, his oldest sister, voluntold him for that night’s open mic. Their family restaurant wasn’t doing too good, and their customers were starting to see through their façade. Maybe the overly enthusiastic waiters were too much? Or it could have been the misplaced all must go restaurant ambiance? Might as well hang a poster that says seventy percent off. That ought to bring some people in, no?

Anyways, twenty minutes later and the sheet of paper is still blank. Somehow, his beautiful mind convinces me that the paper is threatening him to write on it. He grabs the number two pencil and starts writing, not thinking further.

So..I guess we can start with the chicken versus egg discussion.

He rolls his eyes as he stops writing the ridicules chicken story, then loosens the grip on the pencil. Envisioning his funeral as the pencil rolls off on top of the kitchen table.

“I might as well write my eulogy at this rate.” He exhales as he decides to give himself a pet talk before Lola arrives. “Alright Jake, get it together.” He reaches to grab the pencil then begins to write.

Well, welcome to our humble home. Yes, this restaurant is our home, and I don’t mean it figuratively. All ten of us live on top of this restaurant.

He swallows as he continues to write, what he thinks is his ticket to comedy central. He is not a comedian, no matter how many times his family says, you think you funny, huh? But he continues to write as it all pours out of him,

Actually, now seems to be a great time to give you a tour of our house. You know, to get close and personal. If you guys could be so kind to look to your right, that upstairs area right there, is our bathroom. Where my sister, Timmy, is currently taking a shower. Wasting our water for the past hour or so. My uncle Jeff has been dancing merengue for the past thirty minutes, all because Timmy is still not done exfoliating.

He lets out a snort laugh then continues,

But don’t fret, you guys are sitting right underneath my brother’s, Trex’s bedroom. There’s little to no action in there, so we are good.

His cellphone starts to ring, kicking him out of his train of thought. He looks up and eyes his cellphone’s screen, “Naomi,” he shrugs as he lets the phone call go to voicemail.

“You can wait, I am on a roll.” He said smiling, completely ignoring his girlfriend’s phone call.

The weirdest room placement would have to be our kitchen. Which is right above the restaurant’s bathroom. Now, I don’t know which floor’s guests get the juiciest gossip. Is it you guys? Being that my aunts love to chit chat while cooking the meanest food. Is almost like the gossip is part of the seasoning. If there’s no he-said, she-said than the flavors are probably lacking.

He continues to write, meanwhile, his phone goes off once again, but this time he doesn’t stop. He doesn’t even check who’s calling. Thinking that his writing will, somehow, get weaker if he doesn’t continue writing, and so it goes.

Or is it us? Is it my family? Cause think about it. Where do you turn to if you want to run away from a date? I mean, other than the restaurant’s exit. To the bathroom. You go straight to the bathroom, to phone your girlfriend.

“This guy is a creep! He ordered extra onions. HELP ME.”

Or how about when the food is bad, and you need to release… people say the weirdest things when they are in tough situations. Especially, bathroom related issues. But hey, we don’t know much about that scenario. As our food is delicious and super healthy.

“Ugh, they didn’t have coconut oil mom!”

He laughs as he remembers that one customer, “This lady had the audacity to request her chicken tenders to be fried in coconut oil. No relation to any allergies. Just preference.”

I’ve met quite the characters in this restaurant, and considering who my family is, this is saying a lot. Like have you met Dora the Explorer in person? Cause I think I have. My aunt Vilma, would walk into the kitchen, and before she even starts searching for the pots, she goes,

“Can you see the green pots? Where are the green pots?”

Repeats it a couple times and then right before I am about to respond, she moves on. She repeats this over and over when she’s cooking and her swiper are the bugs that fly around the house. She even has the same fashion sense. I love my Dora’s cooking though. So no hate.

“I continue to write for the longest. I even had forgotten about the kettle on the stove. I thought I was on a roll with my baby jokes.” The audience laughs as Jakes walks over to the left, holding the mic with his right hand.

“But all that’s good must come to an end, right?” Jakes stops as he smirks then proceeds, “I finally got my butt off the chair. Still not checking my phone, I went straight to the stove. Idiotically, I took my right hand and reached for the kettle. Bare hand.” He receives a wave of laughter then continues,

“I jumped so high back, that I hit the back of my head with the kitchen cabinets.” Jake laughs as he switches the mic to his left hand and raises his right for visual.

“I have the mark to show for it,”

He swallows, “So yeah, I immediately dropped like a sack of potatoes. And there I laid. I guess this is the story of my death.” The crowd laughs as he frowns comically. Jakes smiles then walks over to the mic stand to place the microphone.

“When I woke up, I was laying in a hospital bed. Surrounded by no other than my sister Timmy, my girlfriend Naomi, and my aunt Vilma.” The crowd chuckles knowingly, “Yeah, the main characters of my kitchen monologue.”

The room rips with chuckles as he flashes a childlike smile. “The scary three.” Jake snort laughs as he takes a sit on the stool,

“At that moment in time, I was disoriented. But not to the point where I didn’t understand what was going on. Why these three lovely ladies, had their arms crossed, looking like they were ready to slash some tires. Eager to channel their inner Carrie Underwood selves.” The ladies in the audience start screaming in amusement.

Jake smiles then winks, “Actually, I am being kind. They did not look like Carrie. More like the Three Power Puff girls ready to wipe the floor with Mojo Jojo, aka me.” The crowd laughs as Jake smiles innocently.

“What’s wrong? I asked. Immediately met with three death glares.”

“You idiot. We found you unconscious, with the gas on and your stupid jokes on top of the kitchen table.” The crowd snickers as he continues, “Oh yeah, I am ok Timmy. Thank you for asking.” Jakes laughs, “The brother in me just had to push her buttons. No excuse really. Just love to mess with her.”

“We were calling you non-stop. Jonah locked himself out of the restaurant.” Jake nods his head slowly, “Says Naomi as I fight the urge to push her buttons too.” He looks up then a smile spreads on his face, “but I couldn’t, so naturally I go.” The audience laughs, “No really, I am completely ok. My head is good, the gas did not affect me whatsoever.” They continue to laugh as Jake decides to stand up. Grabbing the mic with his right hand.

“This is where my heart stopped.” Jake clears his throat, “Jonah accidently left a rag near the stove, which was on, and it caught on fire.” They laugh while some gulp. “The restaurant is closed until further notice.”

Jake widens his eyes at the crowd then blinks a couple times.

“I was about to speak when my aunt Vilman cut me off.”

“I do not look like Dora.” The audience laughs as Jake continues, “She says with her Dora like haircut.” He laughs alongside the crowd.

“I kid you not, her hair is the same length and texture.” He chuckles as the audience laughter fills the room, “Like nothing could go through that hair. It certainly was stronger than my relationship at that point. And then to make things worse.” He clears his throat.

“I look straight at her hair and start humming the Dora theme song.” They continue to laugh as Jake throws his head back,

“Do-do-do-do-do Dora.” He giggles as he faces the audience once again,

“And that’s when my right leg met her city purse.”

“What’s a city purse? Well, have you ever witnessed a female searching for things within her satchel.” The crowd laughs, “they got it all,” he smiles, “Women are the best plus ones. Always prepared. For emergencies and arguments. The only combo men do not want to purchase.”

The audience laugh, “So then after bickering with Dora, my brain was still on idiot mode, so I go.” He smiles,

“So go on? Then they eye me, confused. So I keep going, you know to clarify. Well, what did you think of my jokes!?"

The audience laughs as Jake concludes his story,

“Naomi goes, you really think you funny, huh?”

Jake laughs as he squints his eyes, “Yeah, I do. I say this to my family as I am met with more glares and pinches.” He laughs then spreads his arms as the crowd laughs, while some clap.

“And so it begins, I started writing more frequently after that. Eventually started doing open mics, in other restaurants, as our family one said goodbye.” As the crowd starts to quiet down, Jake decides to explain why he holds this story dear to his heart.

“Despite of how I might act, or how my jokes align. I am not a complete idiot or super mean to my family. It’s all fun and games. My uncle Jonah is ok, no human was hurt in the fire. It messed up the restaurant’s kitchen pretty bad, so the restaurant became a financial headache. Some of my family members still don’t speak to me.”

He smirks, “Which is why now, most of my material is about them.” The audience burst out laughing as he continues, “I like go to that address and basically thank god it happened.” People gasp as some chuckle.

“What? No one got hurt. We eventually found a better place to stay, and I explored my love for comedy. Oh, and I took a mean nap in a hospital room by myself with AC. I used to sleep with three other guys and our AC was broken at that time so from the way I see it, thank you Jesus!”

Jake smiles as the crowd laughs.