Isaiah 30

Lord give me a sign"

That had been my prayer through out the week. I was going through series of varying internal conflicts. It honestly felt like my whole world was going to shit by my own hand.

First, I had broken up with my sweet boyfriend; David on the basis of irreconcilable differences and now I has my resignation letter ready and was now trying to work up the courage to go and quit my job.

Concerning my break up with David, I was still very tentative concerning the matter. David was the sweetest guy I had ever met. He cooked, he cleaned, was attentive and selfless. He was everything and more. Why then did I break up with him, you may ask. Well, recently, I had started getting closer to God and it was really a beautiful experience as it felt like my life was finally starting to shape up in the place of purpose, but when it came to religion, I and David had never seen eye to eye.

Before we started dating, I had known he was an atheist, but it hadn't really mattered to me as I wasn't all that serious with my Christian faith either way and believed that in life, to each his own.

But recently, as I had continued to grow my faith, it started becoming more and more of an issue. David tried to be supportive or rather unobtrusive but it was clear that he wasn't pleased at all at the recent development. It was most obvious at times when I woke up early in the morning to perform my morning devotion, I would hear his discomforted sighs, and then the times I had to take a rain check on our time together to attend a church program and he'd sulk for days. His annoyance was subtle but it was there. Coupled with my growing Christian belief of iron sharpeneth iron, the rift between us kept growing.

Some days, when I went to church and the pastor hammered on preserving yourself till marriage, I even got more guilty and would enter a very crazy mood swing, and day after day, it seemed like my crazy mood swings were increasing in frequency.

It was not like I minded getting married to David and neither did he, but we were still very young and marriage was not in the books for both of us anytime soon. We were still also trying to find our feet financially too and I didn't know what the future would hold, so I couldn't hold on to the justification that whatever I and David did not matter as we would get married.

Naturally, I was a very indecisive person, and just the decision of what to eat took me hours sometimes, so I didn't decide to break up with David in a single day. I had actually thought about it for months but kept stalling, hoping something might change, but each time I stalled, I felt like I was disobeying God so I finally worked up the courage and broke the news to him.

The look on his face alone was enough to make me start regretting my decision. I mean, how was I sure that I would find someone better than him or even just like him?. Days after that, he flooded my phone with messages, apologising and asking for forgiveness, each message a wrench in my heart. When I asked him what exactly he was apologising for, he admitted he didn't know and was just apologising for whatever it was that made me want to break up with him. I finally explained to him that our faith and belief would never work and he kept calling about how he'd try and make adjustments, but I couldn't let him pretend to believe in something all for the sake of being together and I told him so even though it broke my heart into even more tiny pieces. 

It hurt like hell, every evening I spent alone, scrolling through social media, stalking his social media, as a way to pass time.

It hurt like hell, getting excited about something and picking up the phone to call him and realising I couldn't really do that anymore.

Every little thing reminded me of him, down to preparing a meal, I'd pick out something to cook and suddenly remember the food experiments we carried out or the crazy food combinations we tried and just like that, my appetite would be gone, and I'd curl into a ball again and cry my eyes out.

For over a week, I was not in the right headspace and it seemed to amplify the loathing I had for my job. I was a content creator for a small business and handled everything concerning making awareness about the business, both online and offline. It was a job that required so much but paid so little. When I and David had been together, he had shared the same sentiments concerning my job and had advised me to go for a better alternative even if it meant acquiring a new skill. For some months, I had kept starting and stopping my web design tutorials blaming it on lack of time, but secretly, the major reason at that time had largely been due to a fear of the unknown. This current job was like a safety net and resigning even without a visible better option was too much. However, I no longer cared about that, breaking up with David had provided me with more time and I was about to complete my courses in web design and become a certified web designer, and I needed all the time I could get in sourcing for clients. My resignation was long overdue. A small part of me was still worried about finding enough clients that would help me in settling my bills, considering I no longer had David to depend on at least if things got really rough. Anyways, I couldn't keep speculating on what would or will not go wrong for the rest of my life. For days, after I broke up with David and got ready to turn in my resignation letter, when I woke up and before I slept, I'd get on my knees and pray "lord, please, give me a sign", "A sign that I'm making all the right decisions", but I got no response and I quietly wondered if I'd get a response when I finally ran mad.

It's been three weeks since I broke up with David and still held on to my resignation letter. We still talked, I and David I mean, it was not very frequent and not as painful anymore, we both decided to just remain friends, with boundaries of course, at the end of the day, neither of us could stomach the idea of turning to strangers so that was that. I had finally decided to turn in my resignation letter too, today. That morning, as I prayed once again for a sign, I had received a strong unction to turn to the book of Isaiah 30 verse 19-21.

It wasn't much to go by, and certainly was not the sign I was looking for, but it was enough to go by. I just had to trust God that my time of tears was over as he had said in his word, and despite the adversity he seems to have given me, he'd still be there to teach me such that I would see him with my own eyes, and he'd tell me "this is the way, turn around and walk here". So, with my head held high, I submitted my resignation letter and walked away. Stepping into the bright sun, I turned up my face to the sky and let the sun kiss my face sporting a huge smile.

Yes, tomorrow might not be sure. Yes, it might feel like I made a wrong decision in letting David go, but it doesn't matter anymore, I was just going to do like God had said and be his best student.