I love you, Mom.

“So why do you choose alcohol over me, Mom? Why have you always chosen alcohol over me?”

“You’re my daughter. My baby!”

It’s been ten years. Ten years of watching my mother slowly kill herself with alcohol. Every day is the same. She starts off sad begging for help, and out of nowhere it’s abusive. Never physically, but words and actions do hurt all the same. I’ve learned how to cope with it, it’s my every day life now. I just wish it wasn’t. 

It starts early in the morning. My mom wakes up and takes the dog for a walk, gets home and has a shower and then brings the bottle out. Then the next, and the next. By nine thirty my mom begins to disappear. She’s bearable in the morning. I can tolerate her. She’s fun, vibrant and funny but that goes downhill slowly and then all at once. She turns into a shell of the once vibrant woman I knew. Hunched over, face droopy, eyes vacant, hair knotty and greasy, and voice so empty.

She wasn’t always like this. She used to be a party animal. She had so many friends. Drugs were involved back then except I never knew, but she didn’t let the alcohol control her. Then she became sober for two years, until something triggered her. Nothing has been the same since. 

I live for the days she says she wants to get sober and she’s dedicated. I know it won’t last long but those few days mean everything to me. She’s my mom again. But today isn’t one of those days. Today is one of the worse kind of days. I woke up with over thirty seven missed calls, and well over seventy texts. Most people would be worried if they woke up with those notifications on their phones, not me though. I didn’t call her back but when she started calling again and I kept swiping away the calls, I accidentally answered. I was stuck on the phone again. 

“Josie, where are you?” This was the first thing my mother said to me, in the most drunk, slurred, strained voice.

“What are you on about? I’m in bed. I just woke up.” I tried starting it off normally rather than biting back immediately. 

“What the fuck are you doing in bed at ten thirty in the morning? Lazy bitch.”

“Just because you wake up at six doesn’t mean I have to. I work long hours and this is my day off.”

“Oh you work do you? Wow look at you. I’ve fed you, clothed you, and put a roof over your head. Stop complaining until you do that.”

“Government benefits isn’t a job, Mom. Stop.” It always came to this. She rubbed in the fact that she provided me basic human rights, and she wasn’t even the only one doing that for me. She spent so much of her money on alcohol and drugs that we constantly had help from family. It baffled me how she thought that she always had to mention that.

“Yeah and fucking every guy you see isn’t a job either. Maybe I should text Nathaniel and tell him of what you’re doing, or I’ll even post it on Facebook for everyone to see how much of a lying, manipulative bitch you are.”

“Mum, I’m engaged and loyal. When I’m not at work, I’m with Nate. He knows I’m not and would not cheat. Don’t push your insecurities on me. Stop.”

It always went on like this. She’d ruined every birthday I can remember, my engagement party, christmases, everything. Everyone asks why I don’t just cut her off but it’s not as easy as it seems. If I were to cut her off, she’d kill herself. If I don’t cut her off, she goes on like this with a suicide attempt here and there. 

“Just kill yourself, Josie.” Maybe I will, Mom. Maybe I will.

***

I thought that was the end of dealing with my mom for today. I’d brushed it off and gone about my life as normal. Living like normal. Acting as if everything was okay. That was until there was a banging on my front door. Almost sounded like someone just used a fist on a window. I was about to ask Nate to answer the door until I heard her. “Josie! Open this fucking door up!” My mother had made it to my home. Just to continue to abuse me and use me as her verbal punching bag. This was it. This was the moment I finally snapped.

I opened the door with a big smile on my face. Almost smug just to annoy her more.

“Mom! How are you?” I said with a very high pitched unnatural chirpy voice.

“Oh stop your shit, Josie. You know why I’m here. You’ve violated me and my family again. They’re not your family. They hate you. They all come bitching to me about you and tell me how you do nothing, how you disrespect them and how they wish you weren’t ever here. Dead even. Just fuck off. None of us want you here. You’re a waste of space.” This wasn’t anything new. This was routine for her to say. I know my family didn’t say any of those things. They’re just as sick of her antics as I am. She’s just looking for any leverage to hurt anyone and everyone in her path, and all it takes is one person to believe her. 

“Oh the family that kicked you out but kept me? That’s quite funny.” I always bit back with a snarky remark. I know I shouldn’t but it was the only way to keep me entertained and not angry in situations like these. 

“Just your face, you whore. You’re a fucking slut, a prostitute I bet. Wait till I tell your grandmother. She’ll hate you in no time. You’ll be on the streets.” But you just said my family already hates me?

“Whatever.” That’s when I stopped talking. That’s when she lunged for me for the first time ever. She slapped me across the face, and then went to punch my stomach, but I moved. She stumbled and fell straight on her face. Two empty bottles of vodka rolling out of her bag.. and an empty prescription container. This was her attempting to kill herself but not alone. I immediately called an ambulance. 

***

It was hard seeing her in the ICU bed, tubes down her throat, drips in her arms, as pale as sand. It wasn’t scary to see it anymore though. I loved her but I couldn’t keep being in this position. I couldn’t see her continuing to go down this path. Always ending up in this fucking hospital bed. Always being told she’s going to be okay but it’s just procedure.

This was it. It was a nasty move to do it now but I had to. I couldn’t do it anymore. I just couldn’t. I was going to end up in the same bed if I kept with this. She’s safe here. If she tried anything she has nurses and doctors around. This was my chance. That’s when I grabbed a tissue and wrote a small note on it. It was hard to write on it but I made it work.

Mom. I love you but I can’t do this anymore. Maybe if you get your act together I might consider talking to you again in the far future but not now. You’re always hurting me, and making me feel so small. I love you. Remember that. I just need to get away from your toxic behaviour. I love you. Please get better and think not only about your family, but yourself too. You’re worth more than this.... I love you.

I placed the tissue in the back of her phone case. Kissed her on the forehead, and on the hand. It was the hardest thing to do, but I just walked away. I couldn’t look back. I’d cave. I walked right through the doors and made my way to the car park. I love you, Mom. I broke down in the car, not able to move. I love you, Mom. Not able to speak. I love you, Mom. Not able to do a thing, but I had to move on. I had to finally stand my ground. I had to leave. And I did leave. 

I love you, Mom.