crying

-   Maybe you should take this dt0ess with you. It will look good on you -said jjpl

The first time the Officer saw Elizabeth in that new Year’s party , wearing those silver high heels together with that unbelievable tight red dress which most important characteristic was one spectacular and deep cleavage - so he could guess the biggest mound inside that dress - he started to look at her more than once.

-   Looking is not enough. Besides, words are meaningless without action.

So, he went close to her table and offered a new glass of champagne.

-   French. You like it, don’t you?

She looked at him and copped.

He served her, with a gentle smile on his face.

-   Forgive my boldness, lady, but such a beautiful lady like you shouldn’t be left alone in a place like this – henoffered his hand as a compliment, saying:

-   Blessed and glad to meet you – kissing her hand – I am Michael Brown, Officer, to please you – taking his hat off, bending his trunk - like a real gentleman.

-   Nice to meet you, she answered, giving her hand to be kissed- like a real curious lady that couldn’t, while giving a glimpse on his shiny black shoes, his perfect white teeth and the gold buttons in his uniform, as it used to be in the old military days.

-   Would you like to dance?

-   It will be a pleasure – with an opened smile.

So, they danced, cheek-to-cheek, the whole night, as if they were glued to each other.

There were gossips in the neighborhood that days that they were living together, in the house of her dead parents, in the middle of the mine hills, where they closed the window of the bedroom, their love nest – which lasted a bit more than a month of dinner and intense sex.

.

 Consequently, she got pregnant.

( Oops! We are not married…will he accept his parenthood?).

-   I don’t want kids. Get rid of it – he said in such a rude way, that it only revealed his hate and no inclination for being a father.

-   What? – I asked without believing in what I was hearing .

-   No kids. Get rid of it or I will abandon you.

Astonished, I sat on the love’s nest – the bed – and started to think : he doesn’t want to have a baby but he wants to have free sex every single night without the responsibilities of a marriage and a family.He is a bastard !

At that time, my family relationship ship was not that good.

My mother was always complaining with me, most of the times because I didn’t listen to her opinions or follow her commands, because I always complained about that lousy and really stupid sickening behaviour of crying all the time.

 But my decision was to have the baby, and to tell my mother about the pregnancy. 

So I went to her hut, in the outskirts of the city.

I found her lying on her bed, with a wet fabric on her front hhead.- Are you still sick? – I asked.

-   Can’t you see? Of course I am! – angrily se answered, taking the fabric off and throwing it to a plastic basket, near her bed made made of wood foil and a lot of plastics, cardboard, sponge.

There was a radio near her bed, but it had never been turned on, because the lack of batteries.

- what? - the mother asked, wrinkling her front face, almost panicking because of that news.

- that you are extremely deaf so you cannot listen   to what I say - the middle- aged daughter revenge d her mother.

I have told you that I don’t have money to pay for the labour or the trousseau of this baby.

-   So, you prefer to kill it?

-   No. I do not want to be a killer. But you have no conditions, not even a job to raise this child! What will you do? You know nothing ! You have been my disgrace since you were born. The cross I had to carry on my back.

And I am tired enough of you.

Have the baby, away from me!

-   In that case, I have to have the baby.

-   Away from me! I do not want to have this problem.

You.made the child so you raise it ¡ Did you understand?

Obviously I was supposed to do it. 

And I did it with spreading a deep silence .

And obviously again, she stared at me with some ugly face dominated the room where she was sitting with her varicose legs almost.p

- I know you are probably hating me because of the child and all the responsibilities that it includes, but this is not a good enough reason to get so mad!

( another profound silence. This time with a some kind of sorrow in her face that rapidly became and a hate face in both of them, wetting her faces with some tears , in the exact moment they crossed their eyes. But, no forgiveness words came out of their mouths, defiantly.)

 - you monster woman! - and I stood up to go away, defensively and desperate

My mother was swallowing her fear as the abortion was almost imminent.

.

Without thinking twice about it, she just whispered 

Don’t you remember that starry night outside the hut? 

 You really don’t know how difficult it was , for me, not being able to give you everything  you needed or wanted - 

You know that I would had given you the whole world if possible  in order not to see you sad, or begging some coins as you are doing right now.

But, you know, it is almost impossible. I'm jobless. We are temporarily surviving with a few coins that I get from selling some stuff in the market,

So, I think I spent so much time , so many mornings and so much pain thru this hard poverty journey , that now I guess I am bleeding, hurtful .

All this pain was too big for me to bear.

And the suffering as well.

But you have to understand that this pain is still the same, is still there, it hadn’t finished. 

Because this wound is deep, immensely hard to heal.

And it gets worse when I see that we are alone, and you will judge me , someday – she was crying a river, as she normally used to di whenever she wanted to deny something for me, pitying herself so she maybe could get a chance to run away from the situation - or, was it running away from the responsibilities she always had avoided?

Was poverty only an excuse?

Anyway  I was impatient : my boyfriend was waiting for me , sitting in a square's bench, so I needed to put an end to all this story.

-   You do or don’t have the money? – demanding.

-   I just have this coins. Take them – she handed in with such a pain, that she started to cry in that moment.

( And I looked at all the coins, some pennies as a fact.

Was I so desperate to take that coins away from her? 

Did I need to do that? I hesitated with the tears she was shedding.

-   You are still crying. Could you stop? It is annoying.

She didn’t stop ( she had never stopped crying. She was always crying crying and – oh God! She never stops! It is simply irritating!).

So I threw the coins to the ground , angry.

-   I don’t need handouts . I need real money. 

And I went out, walking away.

I couldn’t look for the father of the baby, he would never help me.

So I sat down by the riverside, watching the sunset.

What to do? How can I solve it? 

I have no money, no help, no one to help.

And time is passing.

My womb will grow.

I am going to get fat.

Distorted.

That is exactly when I saw the officer , passing by with his secretary , hand-in-hand, laughing, kissing each other, happy.

He saw me.

And just kept going.

-   So , the dear Officer - sarcastically complaining- is outing with his sec? 

But I am not married with him, so I cannot blame on him.

It was my fault to absurdly listen to him.

As a chauvinist man, he was allowed to walk with as many women he wanted..

And I am pregnant? 

That’s not fair!!

So, I started to cry, like my mother, without stopping, without wanting to stop.

I kept on crying, hating him and the party in which we met for the first time.

I cried week, or maybe two - as a fact, I can’t determine exactly  the time that have passed, as the wounds bled again every time I think about it ( and never healed).

There was nothing else I could do.

So, I stayed sat on that riverside

Many days and nights, still feeling dizzy .

One morning a kind middle aged woman, listened to my crying, as she was passing by. 

-   What happens? – she got into the hut, scared at first.

When she saw me, she knelt down, and comforted me by hugging me, carefully.

I embrace her, trying to control my emotions.

-   Cry if you need. Cry – she kissed my hair – I know it hurts. But give time for it.

-   Ask God to help you.

-   Thanks – sobbing.

-   I am volunteer. You can come with me if you want. You will feel better with a plate of soup, a shower, new clothes.

Should I follow her? Or should I stay?

In that moment, I could not think clearly. 

But the idea sounded good for me, anyway.

So I stood up, and followed the woman.

She took out a shawl from her bag and covered me with it.

I felt immediately comfortable.

We walked four blocks, crossing the bridge over the river that led to the main square in that town.

Just in front of the bust statue, there was an ample wood door that led to some stairs.

It was the volunteering service.

They got into the old building, as a symbol of a new start for me, as they did as the volunteer told me it was going to happen : I took a shower, wore new clothes and had soup for dinner, after a long period of starvation. At the end of the day, I fall asleep and slept in a room with a mattress made of leave with penetrating smell.

-   You want the baby? – asked the volunteer.

 So, have it. It is your body and your decision.

We are here to help mothers too – and that was not a bad idea at all.

And all the pregnancy symptoms like nausea, vomiting, cellulite and weight gain came as it had to, besides the change of habits, like abandoning heels and wearing those ample and ample - globe-like dresses that I found in the flea market, a free sample given by the lady as soon as I told her I was l.

-   One day, you will pay to the society – she said.

-   Thanks madam. I will pay you back.

I will work for it.

-   Will you?

-   Yes.

So, that is how I started the my life as a mother and also the life of the babe, defying my reality through selling stuff in the market , just like my mother did.