MOM

I have always known my Mom would be this stubborn. Whenever I wanted to do something. She always contradicts.

I even think that she doesn’t love me that much because she doesn't want me to be happy.

Ever since I was a kid. I always live to her rule. I always nod and agreed with whatever she says.

It’s always been her and me as far as I can remember. She worked hard to feed me and give me the basic needs that a normal kid should have. Shelter, clothes, food. That’s it.

We seldom go out and those were the best times for me whenever it happens. And that was just a yearly event. Every year, on my birthday. 

Though she seldom gives in to my wants, she always provides me with my needs. 

Good thing I can make yearly requests without questions and what-ifs.

My Mom becomes Miss Because I said so when I reached 13 years old.

She always says no whenever I want to buy something for myself. And whenever I asked her why I couldn't have it, she always answered “ Because I said so, that’s it.”

There was a time when I saw these designer shoes when strolling in the mall with my friends after school before going home. I saw that it is kind of pricey but it looks so good and I know it would look much nicer with my feet on it. My heart went out upon seeing the red shoes and I knew everyone would envy me if I had those on. 

As a teenager, at that time I felt like it’s my right to get that thing and I would die if I did not have it. I know very well that my birthday has passed and I cannot claim another request as per my Mom’s rule. 

I really don’t know where she got that idea though. For me, that is absurd! 

Why can’t she be like any other normal Moms? Like my friend’s moms who always give in to their requests. At that, I felt so unloved.

“Mom,” I started. With my hands at my back, crossing my fingers. 

She was sitting on the couch with his feet up to the table. She just came home from work. I actually don’t know what kind of work she does right now, as she is not at home almost the whole day and night. I know that she is a nurse and works in the morning, my friend’s mom and my Mom are coworkers. But I am not seeing her even on her rest days lately. She said she needs to work harder for my college, so I assumed she got another job.

“Yes?” She said bluntly and looked so dead tired.

“Can I buy those shoes I saw in the mall earlier today?”

“Why? What happened to your old shoes? You still have two pairs that are still good to wear, right?”

“Yes, Mom. It is just that the shoes that I saw are so nice and I know that they would look much better with me wearing them? I do love the shoes Mom! Can you please give me money to buy it?”. I begged.

“ Chloe, we already talk about having priorities. Those are the things that you want, not what you need. You can still wear the old one. Why buy new?”

“Because I am a teenager, Mom and teenagers ought to look good”, I answered teary-eyed. 

“You do look good, honey. You are and you always will. With or without those shoes.”

“But Mom, why? Why can’t I have those shoes when all the kids of my age can?”

My Mom sighed in submission and looked me straight in the eye. “ Because I said so.”

Here we go again with those words I so much hate to hear!

With that, my heart was totally broken and I ran to my room and slammed the door. Leaving my Mom that I didn't know shed a tear.

Things have always been like that thereafter as the years passed. Whenever I beg for my wants. She always answered me with a No, followed by “Because I said so. And I always ended up broken-hearted.

At sixteen years old, I learned to earn money for myself. Without my Mom’s knowledge, every evening when she left for his other job, I also left the house to work as a part-time helper in a restaurant near our place.

I worked as a dishwasher and realized that the job was not easy at all. I can feel the sweat flowing at my back as I work. But then, I decided to stay and keep working so I can buy the wants that Mom refused to provide.

I am paid every day after my four-hour- shift and made sure that I got home before Mom arrived at 12mn. I was paid ten dollars every night for four hours and I kept and hid it from my Mom. The owner who happens to be Mom’s friend luckily agreed that we can keep it a secret.

Months went on and I enjoyed my life with having money of my own to buy the things that I want. I knew Mom saw the things that I have and I wondered why she never asked me where I got the money. 

Until one day, as I am very busy washing a pile of soiled dishes and working hard till it pains my hands, I got wounded by a broken plate and sliced my hand accidentally.

The owner ordered me to go home for the night and rest my wounded hand. 

I was astonished to see my Mom waiting for me outside the restaurant. 

She looked not so happy at all.  I felt half guilty. Only half as I knew to myself I wouldn’t be doing this if only she gives me money for the things that I want and not just for what I need. I really feel that it is my right. To be loved and well provided.

I got in the car with a door that Mom opened and she drove safely to the house without a word. 

I can feel the tension between us. I am holding my wounded palm as it ached a bit and I saw her glance my way every now and then. I noticed her mood changes from being worried and being mad a couple of times. 

I sighed. I know and I understand my Mom that being a single mother is not an easy job. I know! I am not blind! I just couldn’t understand why she is so stiff when she has me to share it with.

“Sit.”

She ordered me as soon as we went inside the house. I sat on the couch with a grumpy face. Selfish as I am, I blamed everything for her. I even thought that maybe the reason my Dad left us is because of her stiff attitude.

I saw her go out from the kitchen with the medicine kit in hand. Without a word, she took my wounded hand and peel off the bandage.

I looked away as I felt pained and closed my eyes to endure it. I can feel her soft hands, carefully cleaned the wound and applied topical antibiotics on it before she covered it again with new clean gauze and bandage.

Then, I heard her cried softly and felt my hands wet. 

I opened my eyes and confirmed that my mother is crying.

For the first time in my sixteen years, I saw my Mom’s weak side. I could not utter a word. 

I am speechless. 

I felt guilty.

It was the first time that I was able to see her face this close. My Mom is pretty but she looked so tired and stressed out. 

I wonder when was the last time she took care of herself. 

She wiped her tears with the back of her palm. There goes that stiff face again.

“This will be your last night working there. I already talked to the owner and she will have someone to replace you starting tomorrow.”

I sighed. I know this time would come. 

“For as long as you live with me, you have no right to keep secrets. You are my daughter and as your mother, it is my responsibility to feed, to dress you, and to provide you everything you need. You have no right to ask me and you will just need to do as I say. Once you finish college and get a job then you can decide to be on your own.”

“Why am I not allowed to ask you questions Mom?”I asked even though at the back of my mind, I know what answer I will get.

“Because I am your mother and because I said so.” She said without looking at me. 

“I am so unlucky to have a selfish Mom like you,” I said without thinking and walked away from her. 

I slammed the door and left her, unknowingly she cried all night.

It has been 5 years since I left home and I decided to work abroad after I finished college. This will be the first time that I am going home to my Mom. 

I am now a successful interior designer and have established my career in Italy. I am one of the highest-paid interior designers in the field. Going home to Florida, my homeland brings back so many memories.

I took the letters out that Aunt Lucille sent to me. Aunt Lucille is my mom’s best friend. I am not understanding why Mom needs to keep everything a secret.

I blink my eyes not to shed a tear that was about to fall. I never know how my Mom suffered. She explained in one of her letters that she doesn’t want me to feel sorry for her. 

My mother was a rape victim and she kept it all to herself. She flew all the way to Florida on her own so her parents would not know. She lied to everybody to avoid shame and criticism. That is what she wrote. She has been writing these letters since I was born, hoping that she can say it to me but she decided not to as she doesn’t want me to carry the burden.

That is why she is stiff and pretends to be a brave Mom. I felt so ashamed for being a selfish daughter all these years.

And now, she is very sick. 

My stubborn lady is ill.

Looking at her frail face, my tears shed un endlessly. I kneeled down beside her and kissed her hands.

She opened her eyes and smiled lovingly. She caressed my face and I can’t help but cry more.

“Why didn’t you allow me to help you carry the burden Mom? Why did you not trust me that I will understand? Why didn’t you tell me that you worked four jobs just to give me everything I need? Why did you just tell me now that you are sick? Why? Won’t you allow me to take care of you?”

I saw her smile sadly and wiped my tears that flow like a river.

“These tears are the reason why. I never wished to see you sad. I just wanted you to always keep your life, like what you are doing now. Soar high, my child. Mom is so proud of what you have become.”

With those words, I cried harder.

“Here.” She handed me a passbook and sobbing I took it to read. I am so surprised! 

She has saved a million dollars and the name in the bank is Chloe Margaritte Schilly. 

I looked at her and she smiled. 

“Mom this is too much! Let us go get some doctor specialists to cure you. With all this money, you will be healthy again, Mom.” I cried for hope, but she shook her head.

“No, no Chloe. That is yours, Used it so you can start a business and be the boss. Remember every time I declined your wants? That is where I put it in. Just remember to know your priorities. You can always live without your wants but you will not live without your needs.”

“Mom, can I say no to that? And choose to have you instead? I need you, Mom.” 

“ I love you, always and forever my little girl. But no, you have to do as I say. Because I am your mother who knows what is best for you. You have to follow me because I said so.”

Tears of regrets and deep sorrow. I blamed myself for being too focused on my happiness then, that I forgot to take care of my stubborn lady whose life was dedicated to me.

I will forever be sorry and grateful to my mother and I will continuously live to her rules for as long as I live. 

Because she is my mother, who wants nothing but the best for me and I will follow her because she said so.