Forward, Toward You

Dear Casey,

As I type this, the snow is stacking up the window pane in a vertical pile of white that threatens to block out my entire view of the outside world. I’d be happy for an ant colony to take up residence there and create little tunnels so I can watch them move and work against the glass. I know that’s not going to happen, but you can see the odd places my mind has already started wandering to. 

I’ve cooked several meals using my freezer stash, eating leftovers on the following days. Be warned: after this deployment, I might never want to cook chili or beef stew again. I’ll have to use the recipes in the cookbooks we got at our kitchen shower, but right now I have no desire to cook anything special for me. 

I’m trying to make the house look more homey, but it hasn’t improved much since you left four weeks ago. The vanilla walls with their scattered nail holes feel like they belong to someone else. I did hang our wedding canvas, though, and I find myself staring at it for long periods of time. 

I wish you were here. I wake up in the middle of the night and see your empty pillow... I curl up in a ball, squeeze my eyes shut, and pretend you’re holding me again. I can’t wait for that day. I hope you’re dreaming of me right now. 

All my love, 

Sarah

She clicked send as the tears spilled over. “I’m sorry I’m not more positive,” she whispered to the void. 

***

Hey Sarah,

I love you, I love you, I love you! Don’t forget that! I’ll be home snuggling you on the couch before you know it. Time is flying here- we work long, hard hours on the flight line with only half a day of rest on Sundays, but there’s a frenetic energy that keeps everyone moving and positive, somehow. Maybe because we have such a singular, unified mission. I don’t know, but the work seems more fun here in Afghanistan, despite it being frickin cold. I’m sure it’s worse for you in North Dakota, though, with all that snow. Hey, Jeff said his wife is in a spouse club on base. Maybe you could meet up with them and make some new friends. How is the job hunt going? Gotta run!

Forever yours, 

Casey 

He pulled on his helmet and ran to the hallway as the rocket sirens wailed.

***

Dear Casey, 

I’m so glad the work is fulfilling for you there. I wish I could say the same. The job hunt is going... most stores told me they won’t do any hiring until the spring. I left applications at a couple of places. And one manager flat out told me it wasn’t worth her time to train someone who might move in a year or two. Is that even legal?! Either way, it was super discouraging. But I did sell two scarves through my Etsy store, so that’s something.

I met up with three of the wives in the spouse group for lunch yesterday. They were kind and asked questions about us, but then moved on to discussing their annual fundraiser. I still managed to feel lonely. They didn’t do anything wrong, but I was longing for the comfort of a friend who really knows me without asking for a dry list of hobbies and background info. I know, I know, I’ll give them another chance. I can hear you across the ocean! I’m meeting up with them again next week.

In other news, a colony of ants has moved into the kitchen wall. Remember how I said I’d love to watch ants in the window? Well, my wish was granted, sort of. I guess they needed shelter from the bitter cold, which is relentless, so I can’t really blame them. And I’m honestly lonely enough to be grateful for any company I can get. I sound pathetic. 

When the quiet in the house gets too unnerving, I turn up the music really loud and have a crazy dance party no matter my mood. I’ve done some angry air guitar, head banging moves, tearful snotty nosed ballet, smiley happy dances, and a lot of jumping around for no other reason than to move my body. It’s my most regular form of exercise, and the ants must enjoy the show. I’ll show you my best moves when you get home.

Still crazy in love,

Sarah 

Her eyes pricked with tears, but this time she blinked them away and headed to the speaker to turn up the music. 

***

Hey Sarah,

I love picturing you dancing in the kitchen. I think of you all the time... Life on base has been really stressful the last few weeks, so it’s been hard to write. We’ve seen a huge uptick in rocket attacks, which is uncommon for the winter months. I feel on edge 24/7, and I’m not sleeping well. Just counting the days til I see you again. Will you send me a new picture of you?

Forever yours,

Casey

He shut the laptop and covered his face with his hands, desperate to block out the images of what he saw earlier in the day. 

***

Dear Casey,

I’ve been praying for you every day since your last email. I’m so proud of you for serving our country and working so hard out there. I still can’t believe how lucky I am to be your wife! Keep pushing forward. We’ll get through this deployment one day at time, and then we’ll be reunited. My heart expands thinking of how joyful I will be on that day.

Unfortunately, I hit a low point the other day... So I did what any isolated, unemployed, military wife would do in the middle of a dark North Dakota winter- I went to the shelter and got a cat. I’m so sorry! I know you hate cats, but I wasn’t going to make it through another day without a hug. I named him Alfie. He’s a five year old ball of orange fluff, and he loves snuggles.  

Yesterday, the wind blew the clouds away, and we had a glorious day of sunshine. The snow and icicles glittered wildly, and I wore my sunglasses as I stomped around the neighborhood in my snowsuit and boots. The wind also cleared the snow off the pond by our backyard. Some of the neighborhood kids got out there on ice skates. Alfie likes to watch them through the window from his perch on the back of the couch. 

I hope you still love me! Here’s a picture of me and Alfie.

Heart bursting,

Sarah

Alfie rubbed against her leg, and she smiled as she stroked his head.

***

Hey Sarah,

How could I be mad? That’s great news about Alfie. Now get rid of those ants! We don’t want those in the house. I’m making my yucky face that makes you laugh. Thank you so much for the care package. The molasses cookies were amazing, and I shared them with the guys. It made our day. Most of all, thank you for praying for me. A white dove landed on my windowsill at work yesterday. It just sat there and looked at me, and I felt like it was a sign that everything is going to be okay. That I’ll make it out of here in one piece, that we’ll be together again, that there’s still beauty in this world despite the war and hatred that has permeated my life lately. I feel hopeful again. I love you, Sarah.

Forever yours, 

Casey

P.S. There’s a present coming in the mail for you. 

He proceeded to throw his rubber ball against the wall repeatedly to pass the time.

***

Dear Casey, 

I woke up this morning in a sweat. I had a nightmare about you, not that something terrible happened, but that you never existed at all. I felt sick to my stomach. Babe, despite the distance, I am so thankful you’re in my life, and although I hope the majority of our marriage is spent in person, I wouldn’t trade this time for anything. Getting sappy over here! 

Hold on- someone just knocked. Maybe it’s the present you sent.

Ice skates?! They’re the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen! How did you know I wanted to try it? Now Alfie can watch ME out there skating! Oh my gosh, I’m so excited... Casey, you’re the best! Okay, I’m going to try them out now. I’ll report back later. Love you!! 

Waiting, skating, and dreaming of you,

Sarah 

She grinned as she waded through the knee high snow from her back door to the edge of the frozen pond. She sat on a bench and pulled off her boots, replacing them with the powder blue, leather ice skates. A perfect fit. With her heart racing, she waddled to the edge and took a deep breath. The blades hissed on the ice, and Sarah glided forward.