Dirty Bad Blood, Part II of II

To my surprise, I did, indeed, wake up feeling refreshed and over it. I was tops in Worlds and at Trials. I was at the Olympics. I was the new it girl - the only one to ever complete a move invented by the true GOAT. Fuck that weird, unhinged wannabe. Fuck that suit that’s making me play nice with her. Let’s go.

Fitz cleared me to return to training all out, and we were spending that day doing run throughs of our events with the other girls cheering us on in the stands to simulate the chaos the gym would be in when we were actually competing in a couple days. And every. single. time. Eli was cheering so loud throughout my entire routine. It was so distracting that I didn’t grip a double salto right and fell off the beam mid-routine. Quiet gasps from the rest of the team. An almost imperceptible chuckle from her.

I lost it. And I sat where I was. And Fitz saw it happen. And I saw red and started sobbing and just saying over and over that I couldn’t do this - how was I supposed to do this - why was she here - why was she let into Trials? She’s so fucking evil! I can’t do this. I can’t do this.

I felt Fitz pull me by my upper arms into standing, whispering calming things that did not help me calm down. She walked me back to the locker room and gave me the classic Fitz look - the one where she knew she needed to be my coach but understood what was happening well enough to feel bad about doing it.

“Stacia - you’ve got to get it together. I know you’re under a lot of pressure - “

“Hold on -” I interrupted. “Did you speak with her? That’s exactly what she said to me yesterday. Like exactly.”

“Okay,” Fitz sounded a little worried now. “You’re acting paranoid; I’m not even going to go there. I would never. You are fixating on her and you need to stop or she won’t be the person to have ruined your career - you’ll be.”

I couldn’t stop crying. “Fitz, I just don’t understand anything and I’m literally watching her wait for me to fail it feels like she’s hunting me, how am I supposed to focus while I’m being hunted?”

“You know I have great affection for you. But this is dramatic. Why are you shaking?”

I looked down at my hands, which were tremoring. “I don’t know…. I’m not panicked right now… it’s probably a visceral response to being around that creature all the time! Fuck! Goddamnit! I’m going home.”

And I got up and left for my empty flat, and I didn’t look back at Fitz when I went.

—---------------------------------------------------

When Talia and Eli returned home, I had retreated to my room, per usual. Doors locked, just in case. I was cozied in my bed feeling tired, nauseous and just generally overwhelmed, when I felt something warm on my face. Putting my hand to my mouth, I felt and tasted blood. I was having a nosebleed? Never in my life did I expect my first time at the Olympics to go like this. And as I was beginning to contemplate my very existence, I heard a reticent knock on my door.

“What?” I replied.

Through the door - “It’s Talia.”

“Okay, come in.”

Talia opened the door and approached me, sitting down at the foot of my bed and addressing me with a concerned look. She breathed in slowly and began - 

“Listen, Stac. I know things are fucked up right now. It’s weird having Eli back knowing what she did, and the circumstances it’s happening in are almost funny they’re so absurd. But everyone is getting worried about you. You haven’t been yourself since we arrived, but the last couple days have been even more - wait - is your nose bleeding?”

I started crying. Again. “Talia, I don’t know what’s happening, it’s like her negativity and my fear is physically making me sick. I don’t know what to do - I’m gonna let the team down. I’m gonna let the country down! How am I supposed to do this? Gods, I feel so fucking pathetic.”

Talia put a hand on my blanketed leg. “It’s gonna be okay, Stac. I’m in no way minimizzing what you’re going through, but I also want you to know that all Eli talks about is how sorry she is and how amazing she thinks you are. According to her, the jealousy just overcame her. And it really sounds like therapy made her realized how crazy what she did to you was.”

“No it hasn’t.” I shot back. “Did you not see her almost heckling me all day during run throughs?”

“I think she was just being overly supportive. Rightfully, you’re always ready to think she means poorly. What if you just tried to move forward continuing to avoid her but also not let her live rent-free in your head? It seems she’s focused on The Games. You should, too. Don’t let your distractions take away from the amazing athlete you are. We all look up to you. We need you.”

Talia always had a way of saying things people needed to hear and getting away with it - she was the sweetest person and usually so quiet, that if she felt the need to have one of these talks with you, you knew you were messing up.

“You’re right, Talia - I’m sorry. I - no one prepared me for any of this and I’m just - I let - I let my shit overcome me. Her shit overcame me. I gotta shake myself out of it. You’re right and I will.”

“You got this, babe. Tomorrow’s last day of prep before the real thing - let’s scare the shit out of every other team watching us.” And with that, bounced up from my bed, smiled that sweet smile of hers, and left, turning back to say goodnight before she closed the door behind her. 

I took the blankets off and got up to go lock the door and clean my face up. A violent wave of nausea shook me and I barely made it to the toilet before everything in my stomach left my body. And some of it was blood.

—----------------------------------------------------

Fully dolled up and ready to go for the final run throughs before my imminent debut at The Olympic Games, I woke up with a positive point of view. Unfortunately, I physically felt like hell. I hadn’t completely gotten the nosebleed under control, which was very strange for me. But some of the girls said the high altitude and arid air made you have nasty nosebleeds if you weren’t used to it, so maybe I’d just made my immune system weaker with all the stress.

But I also felt shaky and kind of dizzy. When I tried to throw my first pass at the vault, my right leg spasmed and I instead flailed face-first onto the track. And I couldn’t shake the nauseous feeling.

Am I really this weak of a bitch, though?

During our midday break, the team was in the locker room freshening up. Violet called to me - 

“Hey, Stac - you’re dangerously close to wedgie territory” and threw a towel at me.

“Thanks, Violet!” I laughed as I went for my wedgie kit. I coughed as the powder in my hands momentarily clouded my nose as I patted my thighs where the suit’s hems lay, then used the hairspray to restore the bottom of my leotard to its initial immovable state.

“Alright girls!” Fitz entered the locker room with big coach energy. “We’re gonna focus on floors this afternoon because, well, that’s not our strongest event, but it is Ukraine’s and China’s. Stacia, you’ll go last in competition, so let’s start with yours. That last pass needs a bit of tweaking.

“Sounds good, coach!” I replied, smiling at her. I was immediately struck by Fitz’ scared and disgusted look in response.

“Stacia, what’s going on? Is that… blood in your mouth?”

I ran to a mirror and bared my teeth at it. Stained red. Everything. And my teeth felt… loose?

I screamed, swileved around and pointed at Eli. In my darkest voice, with a tremoring arm and a swayed stance, I saidm “I don’t know what you’ve done, but I know this is your fault. What the fuck is wrong with you why can’t you just leave me alone?!”

“Gosh, Stac, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I know we don’t have the best history but I -”

“No. Fuck that. I know this is you. Leave me the fuck alone, you psycho!”

I projectile vomited blood and bile and chunks of my insides onto the freshly-waxed floor in front of me. I looked up at the team, surprised, scared, embarrassed, increasingly ephemeral. And I saw Eli smirk. 

“Maybe you should go lay down, Stac.” she said in a gentle yet taunting way.

I started screaming and I didn’t stop. I couldn’t understand what was happening and blood began to run freely out of my nose and my eyes. I vomited viscera again and fell into a pool of dirty, bad blood. I tried to lift myself, but my arms and legs kept tremoring and I just kept slipping back into it. Everyone sat still, aghast.

“Why is no one helping me?!” I screamed into the room right before vomiting again, this time all over myself. After, I felt like nearly nothing, except it hurt.

“Call the medic, tell them it’s an emergency.” Fitz yelled to no one in particular. I remember a couple girls ran out of the room, presumably to do just that. But it was never going to matter.

The last thing I remember is the group of worried, whispering teammates watching me fall apart, and Eli right in the middle, as she stood up, walked to the edge of my puddle of insides, look down at me with the most horrific smile I’d ever see, and said -

“Goodbye, Stacia.”

I kept trying to respond, but my body was imploding and my mind was on fire. I heard Fitz say to Eli, “It was you this whole time?” And the last thing I saw was Eli turn her head towards Fitz and proudly announce - 

“Ricin.”