The Fight

     Julia pushes Ben out the front door as the countdown inside the party starts. The screen door stays slightly open behind them, preparing to catch the next breeze that dances past. Julia uses all of her strength, less than usual due to the amount she's had to drink, to heave Ben onto the walkway in front of the house.

     They stare at each other for a moment as they both struggle slightly. Ben trips over his own feet, but lowers himself to the ground much more gracefully than should be possible for his state of total inebriation. He sits cross legged like a child, and Julia stands a foot in front of him. She's almost as tall standing as he is sitting, and something about that fact pisses her off more.

     Inside the house, the roars of party goers screaming at the top of their drunken lungs echo to the porch and beyond. "10, 9…" the start. Ben sits on the cold concrete of the sidewalk now, his blonde hair disheveled from running his hands through it all night. He's past drunk now, floating somewhere between almost vomiting and almost blacking out. He looks silly on the sidewalk, all 6 feet of him on edge and waiting for the argument he knows is coming.

     Ben knows why Julia is upset, but he doesn't understand it. His brain cannot wrap around her state of constant fear and panic over the smallest of things. To him, while also preferring to be at home, you just went and did things if you had to. There was no place of deep, irrational fear for him. Everything was separated into tasks in his head, some business and some pleasure, and when he completed the tasks his night would end. Fighting was not a task he'd planned for.

     Julia steps forward and takes his face into her hands, bending slightly. A smudge of her dark purple lipstick hangs on to the corner of his mouth. From inside, "8, 7."

     They lock eyes, not for the first time of the night, and definitely not for the last. Julia's long, dark hair cascades around her shoulders as her chest heaves with unsurfaced anger. She wants to smack him, wants to unleash some of her discomfort on him, wants to leave a red palm imprint on his smug, drunk cheek. "6, 5."

     The party was an entirely idiotic idea to begin with. Neither Ben nor Julia were outwardly social. They tried to keep their circle small, just a few friends over for games a few times a month, and sometimes drinks out. They didn't do much, preferring the comfort and silence of home over the cacophony of nightlife.

     Ben didn't think that Julia would mind going to one party, one time. They usually avoided parties, sure, but it was New Year's Eve after all, and there was free alcohol to be had and free food to be eaten and good friends to catch up with. He hadn't considered her anxiety, which he tended not to, but he was hoping that for one night, they'd be okay to do something in an overly crowded place, as long as he kept her close and kept the alcohol flowing.

     Julia knew she particularly would be upset and anxious the entire time, especially since these in particular were old friends of Ben. He may not usually be social, but these high school friends brought out the absolute worst things about him. Julia didn't know anyone besides Ben inside the house, and instead of introductions, he maintained speaking to people he hadn't seen in 4 years as he held Julia lightly on the small of her back, taking a few seconds to kiss her anytime someone else talked to her, and then whisking her away to the next friend. Ben has been a show off, and it's pushed Julia to be so uncomfortable that she needed air.

     Julia breathes, the alcohol muddling her brain. She can't reach the words that she needs to reach, and it's frustrating her more than Ben. Julia always hated feeling out of control, and now more than ever she can't stand the feeling. She categorizes her thoughts as quickly as she can, because the feelings that are trying to cause chaos inside of her aren't going to come out that cleanly. Julia hates hurting Ben's feelings, but feels like he doesn't think of hers.

     Ben waits for Julia to speak, and watches as she can't organize her thoughts. He chuckles to himself really quietly, perhaps not even out loud at all. He really does love this little tightly bound ball of a human, and watching her try not to yell but be mad is adorable to him.

     Ben reels around for a second, as if losing and catching his balance in a seated position, and whispers "You're beautiful." The party continues inside, "4, 3."

     Julia drops her hands from Ben's face. Her anger has let her go with his words, and her body drops from fight mode to sheer embarrassment. She knows she overreacted to the surroundings, but she doesn't know how to control her feelings when they're really overwhelmingly at the forefront of her brain. Screams, "2, 1," come from inside as the door finally catches the breeze, making the sound that much louder.

     "Happy New Year!" The party absolutely explodes behind them. Julia and Ben hear champagne popping and people laughing. Their separation from the party has dropped them into calm.

     Julia lowers herself to sit on Ben's lap and meets his lips with hers, wrapping herself into safety, as erratic as it may be, for the next year.

     "I love you, I'm sorry," she whispers against his lips, even though it may not be enough.

     Ben sits for a half beat, thinking about his actions. He really does need to be better about Julia's feelings. Julia thinks for a spell too, she really shouldn't be so hard on Ben all the time, especially since he doesn't understand her internal struggles.

     "I love you too, baby," he says, kissing the top of her head and breathing deeply, glad the fight never happened and they could just have a moment alone together.