A Room of One's Own

Trevor had just finished cleaning the cages and was holding one of the lab rats, gently stroking its soft fur.

“Hello?” The voice surprised him. It was late, everyone should have gone home by now.

Trevor plastered on a smile to cover up anything less than desirable.

A young woman with red hair and bright blue eyes stood in the doorway. “I’m sorry to bother you. Everyone else seems to be gone. I’m new, just got the lab down the hall. I left to get some things from the supply room and now I’m locked out and my car keys are in there.”

“I can help,” Trevor put the rat back in the cage and followed her to the lab. When he touched the door it slid into the wall.

“Thank you so much!” She chirped. “I’m not sure what happened, it opened for me this morning.”

“Most people lose access to everything once they’ve locked down the building.” Trevor explained.

“You must be pretty important, trapping around and opening doors after hours,” She grinned at him.

“Have a goodnight,” Was all he offered, dismissing himself before she started asking questions he didn’t want to answer.

“Wait! I’ll get locked in if you leave. Please, could you walk me to the front? It’s probably locked, too.”

Trevor waited patiently as she gathered her things.

“My name’s Charlotte,” She said, as they headed to the elevator.

“Trevor,” He replied, pushing the button for the ground floor.

She smiled up at him. “It’s nice to meet you, Trevor. I’m so glad you’re here, or I’d have spent the night on the hall floor! That would have been miserable. You’re a real-life saver. Are you a scientist?”

“No, I just help.”

Bing! The elevator opened.

“I hope I get to see you around. Again, I really am grateful,” Charlotte said, as they crossed the checkered floor.

“Have a goodnight,” He tried to mirror her smile, but he knew there was a certain glow to it that he couldn’t hope to imitate.

Trevor opened the front door of the building for her. She turned to flash him a final smile from the sidewalk before disappearing down the block. Then he was alone, staring out at the dimly lit city.

Instinctively, Trevor caught the door as it closed. It registered his hand and opened again. There was no one else here, nothing barring him from the outside world. The cold night breeze poured in and called to him. It told him to run out into the world and be free before anyone could stop him.

Trevor’s entire body lurched forward only to freeze halfway through the threshold. He couldn’t breathe, trying to force himself to continue forward. You aren’t allowed to leave, you can’t be a part of society any longer. They’ll catch you and lock you in that room again and never let you out.

He took a step back and watched the door slide closed.

+++

Charlotte officially requested that Trevor be her lab assistant.

Trevor felt a nauseating hollowness when the Director told him. This was his opportunity to move on from his janitorial work and practice science; it also meant he would need to work with another person. He feared he would see that the Director had been right – he was no longer capable of such social interactions.

Despite his misgivings, the transition to being Charlotte’s lab assistant was smooth. Yet, this was her first leadership role and her inexperience left Trevor with little direction. He would spend days at a time cleaning the lab over and over - unable to bare standing around with only his thoughts to occupy him.

Sometimes Charlotte said things that didn’t make sense. He had to either admit he was confused, pretend he understood, or divert the conversation and return to work. None of those responses left him feeling confident about his ability to socialize.

These awkward and confusing moments culminated one day when Charlotte became frustrated with his response.

“Are you blind?” She exclaimed. “Do I have to spell it out for you? I. Like. You. I swear, I could kiss your stupid face and you still wouldn’t get it.”

“What do you mean?” Trevor asked. He had been too long removed from examples of romance and feelings like love. After all, he was nearing the point of having lived over half his life in this building. A fourth of it, almost, in that room.

Charlotte’s face flushed a deep red. “I’m going home early, forget I said anything.”

She was out sick for three days.

Trevor was certain he’d scared her off and would be returning to his janitorial work, proof to the Director that he really wasn’t capable of this. At least, in reflection, he managed to unravel what she had said. It had been inconceivable that a girl could like him in that way. Not when he was so acutely focused on appearing normal whilst painfully aware that he was not.

On the fourth day, Charlotte returned.

“I’m sorry,” She told him. “That was very unprofessional behavior. I hope that we can still work together, but I understand if you would prefer to transfer elsewhere.”

“You still want me to be your assistant?” Trevor asked, now even more cautious of his comprehension.

“Yes. It’s difficult when you invest so much into your career... there’s not a lot of time to meet people. I’m sure you understand. I mean, you practically live here,” She laughed a little at this. “I’m sure you’ve got a good brain for science. I need some new ideas to keep my government grant and stay in this building. Would you help me brainstorm?”

“I could help with that,” He answered, eager for a topic he did understand.

+++

Seeds and supplies arrived.

After several conversations, Trevor had inspired Charlotte’s interest in plants. They were going to be researching plant properties for reducing air pollution. The plan was approved, giving her a year of funding – more if she showed progress.

They unpacked and spent the day filling planters with soil.

“Oh my gosh! There it is!” Charlotte exclaimed.

Trevor stole a glance around the lab. “What is it?”

She poked at his cheek, smearing a dirt from her finger there. “A smile! An actual, honest smile.”

He hadn’t realized he was smiling. “I’m excited for you to see real plants.”

It had taken a while for her to recover from her crush. But now they were becoming a cohesive team and could feed off each other's ideas for hours. Trevor was even able to become more self-directed once he was part of the planning and knew what had to get done.

After potting the plants, they both went to the sink to wash their hands.

“Roll up your sleeves,” She laughed at him. “They’re getting soaked.”

“They need washed, too.” Trevor reasoned. Today had to be the happiest day he could ever remember, that could be ruined if she saw the scars.

Charlotte elbowed him. “Then do your laundry like a normal person, you dork.”

He offered her a smile, one that felt natural, that felt like it might actually glow in the same way that her smiles did.

+++

Trevor’s consciousness returned. He was sobbing, snot and saliva dripping from his face, some part of his mind had been asleep and he didn’t remember why or what was happening.

He realized with horror that Charlotte was hugging him, gently rubbing his back. 

“No,” Trevor breathed, desperately trying to wipe at his face. “Please, no.”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Charlotte slid back as he cringed beneath her touch. “Trevor, I’m right here, everything’s okay, no one’s going to hurt you.”

He could see broken glass, shredded paper, leaves, and soil across the lab floor.

“Please, just go away,” He pressed his face into his shaking palms. They had been working together for years and now he’d ruined it.

“I’m not leaving you alone, not like this,” She rejected. “Everything is okay. You’re safe. This mess is nothing a quick sweep won’t fix.”

“I’ll clean it,” Trevor said. “You should leave, go home.”

“Why don’t we both leave? Let’s get out of here and get some air. We can clean it up in the morning.”

Trevor scanned the room, noting the plant pots and glassware he had destroyed, nothing major that couldn’t be replaced.

“Trevor,” Charlotte pressed. “Please step outside with me, just walk around the block, then I’ll leave if you still want me to. We need to take a step back from whatever triggered that.”

“I can’t.”

“I’ll listen if you want to talk, but you don’t even have to talk. I don’t think you should be in the lab right now, not until we understand what happened.”

“Please go home, Charlotte, I’m okay now.”

“I can’t go home and leave you like this. We’re done for today; I’m not leaving until you’re out of here. At least let me take you home.”

“I can’t,” He repeated.

“What do you mean you can’t?”

“I’m not allowed,” He relented.

Charlotte raised her eyebrows as though to say, you’re a grown man.

Trevor looked at the mess. She’d seen the depth of his malfunctions and was still okay with him. Was there any point in hiding the rest?

“You can’t tell anyone. Promise me,” He sputtered.

“I promise,” She agreed.

“I’m not allowed to leave the building,” He struggled to find the right words. “I can’t go outside... the Director will know and they’ll... they’ll.... put me in the room again.”

“The Director?” She laughed, uncomfortably.

 “I’m a liability.” Trevor forced the words out.

“Just walk out the front door; I’ve seen you open it.”

“They’ll know. They’ll find me. I can’t do it, I can’t live like that again. Please just go home. I’m okay, I really am.”

Charlotte shook her head. “Where do you go home to at night, Trevor?”

“The sixth floor.”

She still looked very concerned and confused. “Would you show me, please? We’ll clean the lab in the morning.”

Reluctantly, Trevor agreed. They navigated through the broken glass and took the elevator to the sixth floor, neither talking as he led the way to the door in back by the supply closet. He opened it with his key.

“You really live here,” Charlotte muttered, surveying the living space. When she turned back to look at him there was a deeper sorrow in her eyes than he had ever seen before.

+++

Trevor cleaned the lab early in the morning, hoping that would help Charlotte forget what happened. But when she came in to work, her energy was not the warmth it had always been. She met his eyes briefly, before averting her gaze. Around her eyes were dark and puffy. Without a word, she sat at her desk and turned on the computer.

Trevor craved that warmth; she had become the sun in his world. But he didn’t know how to fix it so began on his work. Once he was finished repotting the saplings, he went to the sink to wash his hands.

Charlotte’s rhythmic tapping on the keyboard stopped, and she came to stand beside him.

Trevor smiled at her, but she didn’t smile back.

“Roll up your sleeves,” She said.

Trevor laughed. “But my sleeves are dirty, too.”

“Then roll up your sleeves while you’re working,” The blue of her eyes seemed unusually sharp and harsh.

Charlotte reached for his arm.

“Don’t.” Trevor jerked away from her.

“I’d always thought your mind was so full of big ideas that there wasn’t room for smaller things, things right in front of you. But I’m realizing... the real reason that you can’t seem to see these things... it’s because your mind is too full of fear... And your heart is too full of pain. Of course you didn’t understand when I was flirting with you… you couldn’t have fallen in love with me, the way I had hoped you would.” Charlotte said, sadly, “I thought it was foolish but also kind of cute that you were so eager to work with the plants, that you could never remember to roll up your sleeves… show me what you’re hiding.”

Charlotte reached for him again and he surrendered. Taking his hand in both of hers, she pushed the sleeve up. Although slightly faded over the years, his arm was still a grotesque landscape of dark, sunken valleys and light, knotted ridges.

“The Director did this?” She asked, when she could manage to speak.

“I did this,” He corrected. No longer able bear the look on her face, he pushed the sleeve back down to cover the scars.

+++

Within an hour of seeing his arm Charlotte had begun vomiting. She went home early. She came back the next day but did little more than sit at her desk and stare at the wall. The days following weren’t any better.

Trevor desperately wished he could make her happy again and did as much of the work in the lab as he could, trying to take weight off of her shoulders.

One day, Charlotte asked him to sit down and talk with her.

Trevor felt eager to help her resolve this struggle she was having, but complied with reluctance, fearing he may only make it worse.

“Trevor, I’m sorry... lately... how I’ve been. I’m not upset with you. I just... I can’t pretend like everything is okay.” Charlotte began. “I can’t focus. I can’t go home at night and know that you’re still here. That all of these years we’ve worked together you’ve been here dealing with this. Let me save you. Let me get you away from here.”

“There’s nowhere to go,” He rejected. “Charlotte, I don’t want you to save me. I know what they’ll do to me if I try to leave. They’d hurt you, too. I’ve been here since I was fifteen. I wouldn’t know how to live out there anyway. I just want things to go back to how they were.”

“I can’t live like this, Trevor.” She whispered, there were tears building in her eyes. “I can’t just pretend like everything is okay.”

“It is okay.” Trevor assured. “I’m sorry that you saw that, but I’m okay, I really am. Getting to work with you is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

She reached over and squeezed his hand. “It’s not okay, we need to put a stop to this. We need to get you away from here and turn in the Director, and everyone else who has been a part of this.”

“You promised you wouldn’t say anything.”

“I know it’s scary, but it would be better... so much better to get you out of this place. If they knew what was happening, what had happened, they would put an end to this.”

Trevor jerked from her hold. “They who?”

“Everyone else. Anyone else!”

“This is a government building. There’s nothing anyone can do! Don’t say anything! You’ll ruin it! This is the best things have ever been. You’ll ruin it if you say something. They’ll just...”

“The room,” She smiled at him in an affectionate sort of way, but her eyes were dreadfully sad. “I’m sorry, Trevor, I just want to help but I don’t know how.”

“You shouldn’t do anything, you’d just end up getting hurt. I’m happy enough with how things are now.” Trevor assured. He just wanted her to move on and smile at him again. He practically lived just to see her smile and to bask in the warmth of it.

But knowing the truth, Charlotte could no longer smile at him without her eyes filling with tears.

+++

Trevor arrived at the lab early in the morning to tend to the plants. He had always gotten there before Charlotte arrived, but that morning he walked into the lab to find her body hanging in the far corner. A black cord around her neck, tied to the thick pipe which ran across the ceiling.

He ran to her, wanting to save her, but he could only reach her legs. Her body was cold and off-colored; she had been dead a while.

Trevor recoiled, gapping up at her, mortified.

The Director arrived with an escort. The men removed Trevor from the lab, so that he sat, curled in the hall, nails digging into his scalp. The Director came to kneel across from him.

“You broke her,” The man said, clasping Trevor’s shoulder as though to offer comfort. “Being around you was too much. It was making her sad, wasn’t it? She couldn’t stand it anymore. This is why I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be in an environment with other people.”

Trevor couldn’t speak. This was his fault; he never should have been allowed so close to such a bright soul.

+++

If she had left a note, they had disposed of it with her body.

But Trevor didn’t need a note to understand why she had done it. If he had realized he was causing her so much pain, he would have removed himself, distanced himself, pushed her away, something.

He’d been too engulfed in that human connection that he didn’t see it was breaking her – that he had become the room to her.

Trevor stared at the frosted lab windows, the occasional shadow of a person walking down the hall. He had spent so long entwined in that craving to be around others, no matter what that looked like. But now he had no desire to leave this lab.

He shouldn’t be allowed around other people. Not if his presence, his incompatibility with a social environment, was painful enough to break others.

Trevor reluctantly moved his gaze to the far corner, where her body had been hanging. A piece of black cord was still wrapped around the heavy pipe that ran across the ceiling. He prayed that she had found the freedom she had been looking for.