Happy Holidays?

“Well, uh, that’s cool…”

It was her sister who had answered. At 23 years old, Lindsey Macguire had just come out to her whole family at the dinner table. On Thanksgiving. Her grandparents stared, eyes wide. Her aunts and uncles gaped. Her father’s brows had furrowed, and her mother’s facial expression was unreadable, her face a blank slate.

The silence had been broken but sewn back together again, encapsulating them all in a moment of disbelief, frozen in time. And then the moment was over, and everyone began whispering to one another.

“There’s no way.”

“She wasn’t raised like this.”

“Whatever happened to that boyfriend from high school? What was his name? Er…”

“Not her. Anyone but her.”

Lindsey watched this all happen silently. Standing, she refused to speak as the voices got louder, following her up the stairs to her old bedroom. She shut the door on the comments, falling face-first onto her bed. The random plastic totes and cardboard boxes of her parents’ junk were new, but everything else about the room was familiar. The pink walls she had begged for when she was 8 years old, the hyper-feminine decor, and the smooth white ceiling plastered with glowing stars. And of course, the bed that still looked like a big pink cupcake. Lindsey had changed so much from the days when she would sit at her girly little vanity, brushing her long, straight hair for hours.

The haircut had probably made her parents realize. The week before, she had finally made the plunge. For years, she had been progressively cutting her hair shorter and shorter. Since she got to college, it had been a blunt bob. She had finally mustered up the courage to go all the way and watched in amazement as her soft brunette locks fell to the floor of the barbershop. Finally, the chair spun around, and Lindsey saw herself as she had always imagined. Her hair was shaved close on the sides, fading out as it got closer to her neck, and left long on the top.  The barber had perfectly replicated the reference photo she had pulled up on her phone. She grinned at her reflection.

Lindsey’s parents had not shared the sentiment. Immediately, upon seeing her, they had grown quiet, exchanging sidelong glances with one another as they embraced her hesitantly. The conversation had eventually picked up. The haircut was never mentioned, but there was a tension in the room that wasn’t usually there.

Lindsay rolled over onto her side, dragging herself across the frilly pink comforter to where her luggage had been haphazardly tossed. She unzipped her backpack and slid her laptop out. Immediately, she clicked to open the messaging app on her laptop and began typing. 

Lindsey: Soooo…

Cecile: Hey! What’s up, love?

Lindsey: I did it.

Cecile: Did what?

Oh.

You did that?!?

Lindsey: Finally.

Cecile: How did it go?!

Lindsay: Uhhh how I thought it would go.

Cecile: Yikes, that bad?

Lindsey: I can hear them quietly cursing my name from downstairs.

Cecile: Ah I’m sorry.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Lindsey: I don’t think so.

    I’ll keep you updated though.

    Call later tonight?

Cecile: Of course.

Talk then.

I love you!

Lindsey: I love you too :)

Lindsey pressed the small “X” in the corner of the screen, exiting the chat room. She shut the computer before burying her face in one of her stupidly pink throw pillows. She sat like that for a few minutes, beginning to doze off, when she heard the door creak open. Startled, Lindsey pulled herself up quickly and prepared herself for a lecture from her parents. Instead, she spun around and was met with the friendly face of her sister.

“Lilah,” Lindsay said, relieved, pressing her hand to her chest.

“Hey, Lindsey.” 

Lilah stood at the door, hesitating for a moment before slipping into the room and shutting the door softly behind her.

Lilah had always been the opposite of Lindsey. She started off as a tomboy and got more feminine as she aged. If their childhood rooms were to be switched, they would both be more comfortable nowadays in the one that belonged to the other. They had grown up side by side. Lilah was two years younger than Lindsey, but that had never proven to be an issue for them. Of course, in their preteen years, a few years was a decade, a decade through which one would traverse and learn all of the knowledge of the universe. Those two years made a difference then. But only then.

Lilah walked over to the cupcake bed and sat down with a plop. Lindsey had relaxed back down into her seated position, not making eye contact with her sister. Lilah heaved a deep sigh and put her arm around Lindsey. The silence was peaceful and content. Until:

“So, you like girls now?” Lilah asked awkwardly. Lindsey couldn’t contain her laughter. She chuckled quietly.

“People are born gay, dumbass.” They both laughed.

“I suppose that’s true. So you’ve always liked girls, then?” This was a tough question.

“I guess so. I mean in high school I only dated dudes, but I’m sure you remember how short those flings were. They meant nothing, I was just a teenager experimenting. But now, I know what love feels like, and I know that I can feel it with girls. Maybe not only girls, I haven’t figured that part out yet, but I know that I love my,” Lindsey hesitated, “girlfriend.” At this last word, Lilah’s eyes grew wide.

“You have a girlfriend?!” Lilah exclaimed excitedly. Lindsey shushed her sister, and they both started giggling like teenagers at a sleepover. Exchanging secrets like they used to.

Lindsey pulled out her phone and started flipping through photos. Cecile went to college with her. They met in Art class. They planned on moving in together after graduation. They had been together for eight months. 

“Eight months, huh?” Lilah sounded a bit hurt. Lindsay didn’t look at her. “Eight months without telling me?”

“Eight months without telling anyone in the family, Li. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just that… well I haven’t been back here in ages either so…”

“When we’re out of sight, we’re out of mind, eh?” Lilah asked sadly.

“No, not that either, it’s hard to explain,” Lindsey stuttered. Lilah shook her head.

“It’s alright,” she said, “I’m happy you finally told us. And I’d love to meet your girlfriend sometime.” Clearly finished with the topic, she stood. “There’s still pie left over downstairs. Pumpkin and apple. If you wanna go for a late-night snack with me later, I'd enjoy your company,” Lilah paused, “love you, Lindsey.” She left the way she’s come, closing the door behind her just as quietly.

“Love you too,” Lindsey answered after she had gone, and sighed to herself. Why had she waited so long? It wasn’t really a matter of trust; she trusted her sister with her life. So why, then, hadn’t she told Lilah sooner? She didn't want to admit it to herself, but there was a tiny part of her that warned her that Lilah might slip up at some point. It would never be voluntary, but an accidental slip-up in conversation. She would rather her coming out be on her own terms than risk that. 

Lindsey opened her laptop again, and apologized to Cecile, saying that she wouldn’t be able to call tonight. They said goodnight and then it was just Lindsey and the big, wide internet. She surfed on YouTube for a few minutes before the overthinking got to her. She closed out of YouTube and pulled up the Google search bar. Lindsey stared for some time, not sure exactly what she wanted to know.

“How to deal with a homophobic family?”

She erased that immediately. They weren’t homophobic, right? At least not explicitly? Either way, she didn’t like how strong that word was. She retyped it.

“What to do after you come out?”

That one was better. She pressed the “enter” key and began scrolling through the results. The second link read, “So You Came Out. What’s Next?” She clicked and spent the next hour browsing that article and others like it. Afterward, she felt much more secure. She knew what to say to her parents in the morning, and how she would say it. Even if they hated her forever, it was worth it to love freely, or whatever that article said, right? All she knew was that she had a few people on her side, and that was enough for her. She just hoped that this wouldn’t be the end of her relationship with her loved ones. She didn’t regret her decision, she realized, she just hoped that she could convince her parents that she was the same Lindsey she had always been. The articles were going to help her do that. Other people, all over the world, had gone through the same thing she was going through. She was tired of thinking now, and her eyes began to droop.

Just then, a small message pinged in the lower corner of her laptop.

Lilah: Pie time?

Lindsey smiled to herself and opened the chat.

Lindsey: Be right down.

  And I love you too.

It was time for pie.