Blonde Locks, Kneepads, and a Band-Aid to the Heart

A cackle erupts from the back of my throat. The air escapes my lungs as I laugh louder than I have ever laughed before.

“Charlie, Charlie I’m sorry! I can’t breathe!” I shriek.

“Sorry for what Grace?”

“I- I” gasping, I continue “I'm sorry I called you Char- Charlotte”

A smug grin dances onto Charlie’s face as she slowly starts to crawl off me and settles next to me, stretching her arm out, so I can place my head in the nook of her armpit. She wraps a leg around me and pulls me closer.

I missed seeing her like this. You know, carefree. Recently so much has been going on. Between college stress for me and work problems for her, we haven’t really had a chance to listen to each other and actually hear what the other one is saying.

It feels like we’ve broken through some sort of barrier. It's been weeks since I’ve seen her smile. She’s been a bit distant, you could say. When I ask what’s been on her mind, she gets quieter, if that’s even possible.

So here we are now, a tangled mess of limbs on a crappy second-hand mattress, breathing heavily.

“I was thinking, we could go for dinner on Friday'' I suggest hopefully. “We haven’t been on an official date in a while. You know, the kind where I can wear my heels and almost be as tall as you” I nudge her. I've been trying to convince her that 5 '2'' isn’t that short and that it's her that's been blessed by the high heavens with her towering 5’8”.  

She gives me a weak smile.

“Today’s Tuesday, right?”

“Yepp! That gives you exactly three nights to come up with a place to eat.” I’m practically buzzing by this point. “Oh, and Charlie” I pause “This time maybe don’t get us kicked out”

Charlie chuckles.

“Look, I told the lady my beanie stays on! It was part of the look and everything!” She throws her hands up in mocked frustration.

“You didn’t need to punch her though!!”

“Technically it was more of a shove.”

“With your fist??”

She doesn’t answer, instead she just smiles.

The rest of the day goes by as it normally does. I sit in our big brown armchair, editing some essays last minute while Charlie takes one for the team and prepares some dinner. I'm not as bad in the kichen as she makes me out to be. I know my way around an oven. A microwave oven. She acts as if my cooking skills are horrendous, but in reality, food just ends up a bit charred, nothing you couldn't eat around.

“Voilá” she places the plate down on our stained coffee table. 

Buying second-hand furniture definitely gave our place character. Originally it was my place, and Charlie was supposed to move into the spare room, but on our first night as roommates, we had a little too much wine. She challenged, that I couldn’t sing Avril Lavigne better than her, and who am I to back down from a sing-off?

It turned stupid o’clock, the music changed and it felt like a true movie moment. I don’t remember if it was her, or me that leaned in first but that night also marks the day of our beginning. Of Charlie AND Grace. Of us.

Friday is rapidly approaching! It’s already Wednesday morning! Which means I ONLY have three days and two nights left to wait.

I make my way into town to window shop, and maybe see if there is something on the racks that I must have. Charlie taught me all about fast fashion, the impact it’s having on our environment, workers rights, sustainability and the list goes on and on. If I want her to actually focus on our date and not go off on a tangent, buying second hand is my best option. I settled on a store called ‘Good as New’.

The store smells of old soap and rosemary. Rails line the wall opposite the entrance. There is a funky striped curtain in the left corner, which I can only assume is the make-shift changing room. Not having anything in mind, I pick a random rail and start browsing. No, no, bleh, no, gross, no and no. Maybe I picked the wrong place to start. 

Heading towards the exit, I catch a glimpse of something that could be considered a strong maybe. I reach for it and to my surprise, it’s my size! I head towards the clown curtain to try it on. I stare at the mirror and I’m not mad at what I see. The baby pink pinstripe two-piece compliments my body well and is overall flattering. I glance at the price tag; not bad!

I briskly walk towards the counter.I hand my items to the volunteer. I’m about to make small-talk, when I notice the counter has a glass top and inside it there are beautiful antique pieces. 

My eyes settle on a dainty, gold, solitaire ring. The woman’s asking me something, probably if I want a bag or not, but I’m still fixated on the ring. 

I’ve never really given much thought to what would be our future. Charlie always lives in the now. She is a surf instructor for Petes’ sake! She takes life one wave at a time. I guess I never thought about marriage in general. Society tells you it’s a man’s job to propose, but what happens when you’re both women?

We have been dating for nearly three years now. Am I meant to be the one to propose? Has she considered doing it? 

I stare a little longer. Maybe a bit too long. 

“Sorry, could I get that as well” I point to the ring through the glass.

The single rock will suit Charlie’s style well. She’s not one to love over the top bling. I’ve only ever seen her wear one piece of jewellery. A gold necklace with a small moon pendant.

I make it home. Charlie’s not in yet. I spend the rest of the afternoon cleaning up and dusting down our shelves. My brain replaying the first time we met.

***

It was April 13th and had just finished my hair appointment. I may have been on another planet as I walked out from the salon because I kid you not, the second my foot came in contact with the pavement, I was knocked down by an incredible force.

“Shit! I’m so so sorry!” Said the most gorgeous girl I have ever seen. Strands of her long dip-dyed hair got caught in her mouth. “ I totally didn’t see you there.” She helped me up and I took a closer look. She was wearing a blue flannel, grey skinny jeans, kneepads and a beanie. 

“Funky knee pads” I blurted out and cursed myself for not thinking of anything better than that.

“Oh, yeah, I wear them just in case” she gestured between us “this happens.” She jogged to where her skateboard rolled off to, and circled back.

“I’m Charlie by the way”

“Grace” I muttered.

“Anyways, nice meeting you!” She put one leg on the board, about to push off.

“Wait!” I wanted to yell, but no sound left my mouth.

Just like that, I watched her roll away.

Weeks went by and I couldn’t get this blonde tomboy out of my head. I tried Facebook searching her, Instagram stalking, but it was almost like she didn’t exist. I gave up after week four.

It was when I was invited to a college party I saw her again. She got invited because she knew a guy who knew a guy, who had a sister who knew a guy. Long story short, she didn’t go to our school. 

The second I recognised her, my heart felt like it was about to burst into a million pieces. It took every last ounce of courage, but I did it. I went up and had a conversation with her. I may, or may not have had a couple of shots of confidence first.

It turned out she was fairly recent to the area and was staying here and there and was looking for a real place. I offered her a room at my house, which technically used to be my office, but who needs a workspace when you can have a long-legged blonde. 

The rest is history.

***

The ring feels like it’s burning a hole in my pocket. I take it out of its box and try it on myself. I think about what this means for our relationship. I mean, we have been living together for a while now. Things shouldn't change drastically. 

Friday evening rolls around in no time. Charlie had reserved a table for us at a small restaurant. She spoke about the importance of supporting local businesses so many times by this point, that I don't even ask why she picked it.

By 6:30 I am fully dressed in my date-night outfit, with freshly washed hair. I was only meant to do a ‘natural’ make-up look, but the longer I stare at my reflection- the more I end up applying. Here we go.

The restaurant is perfect! We are placed in a dimly lit corner, in a booth. The waitress wears a white polo shirt and black trousers. She introduces herself as ‘Amanda’ and asks if we would like to order our drinks. It is Friday, so I ask for a cheeky cocktail. Charlie opts for a beer.

After we give our order Charlie and I sit in silence. It would've been peaceful, if I wasn’t having an anxious meltdown inside! I reach into my bag to check if the box is still there. After fumbling about with all the crap in my purse, my fingers wrap around it. Right, here I go.

“So, Charlie,” I start; swallowing the lump in my throat. She looks at me and my heart is on fire! “ I was looking forward to today because I need to tell you something. Since I-”

“Can I go first?” Charlie cuts me off.

“Sure”

“Okay, so, where do I start?” she picks her fingernails. “ You know that I'm crazy about you. You know that I would fight off a bear if that meant keeping you safe.” a weak smile creeps onto her face. “ You also know that these three years have meant everything to me”

I take a sharp breath in. And grasp the ring box harder.

“So, last month I got offered a life changing opportunity. One that I've thought long and hard about. These last three years have meant everything to me, but Australia has always been my dream.” she rambles on “I got offered to work there, full time, as a surf instructor.. Can you believe it Grace?! A SURF instructor!” the widest grin takes over her uncomfortable smile from before. “All costs paid for and get this, I also get a good hourly rate. It’s a once in a lifetime experience. So... I decided to take it.”

My heart that was jumping from excitement only moments ago, plummets. Better, it feels like a lorry drove over it and reversed.

“I’m sorry Gracie” she reaches for my hand that is still on the table.

“Is that why you were acting weird?” I ask, holding back my tears.

“Yeah”

I squeeze the box harder. Do I tell her? Do I explain that she can’t go, that she can’t leave me, that this isn’t how tonight was meant to go. I bite back the emotions about to erupt, slowly let go of the box, and reach for her other hand. A million things crossing my mind at once. 

“ I- I support you Charlotte, no matter what. You know that! It's been that way since we met, and out of everything that's changed I know that that has remained constant.”

Our meal arrives. We eat it in silence. I don’t know what to say and I think she feels the same way. 

“When do you leave?”

“Three weeks from today.”

***

The weeks leading up to Charlie’s flight seem to fly by, but the days drag. Our house doesn’t feel like home anymore. We mainly just end up avoiding each other. I take my books to the library to study so I don’t have to see her when she comes home from work and Charlie ends up extending her hours. When she's home, she's selling her clothes and belongings that won’t fit into the suitcase. 

I haven’t thought about life in my apartment without her. Based on how it is already, I know it will be lonely. 

The night before her flight is dreadful. During dinner I don’t lift my eyes from my fork. To keep my brain off of her leaving I start to count how many times I chew my curry before swallowing a bite. Thirteen.

“Gracie, I know it’s weird right now. But I hope after some time you'll learn to not be a stranger. I’ll always be a phone call away.”

“Yeah, I know”

Charlie needs to leave for her flight at three in the morning. I offer to take her, but she says she doesn’t want to put me through the trouble. I am sort of glad she doesn’t make me watch her leave. I pride myself in being strong, but even I know I would not have been able to handle her walking away with dignity. 

We laid in bed, and for the first time in forever she cuddles me close. I never want this moment to end. She plants a kiss on my forehead. I squeeze my eyes shut and let myself relax. Tears stream down my face, but I don’t let a sound escape. She can’t know how much this is killing me. By the time I wake up she'll be gone.

I think it’s harder for the person who stays. For Charlie everything will be new. New places, new friends, a new apartment. All I’m left with is an empty side of the bed, an extra set of plates and only half my heart.