3 AM Thoughts

Psst. Hey you. Yes you. I wanted to give you a little sneak peek into my destructive mental health, if you're interested of course. So let me start out simple shall we, by using my schedule as an introduction. It goes as follow...

My scheduled appointment with insomnia usually lasts from 12 AM to 3 AM every two weeks. Sometimes my appointments reschedule themselves, I personally think that it's due to the fact that I'm so very guilty of being a procrastination expert. Don't worry my multiple personalities and I were just arranging an intervention for when we're going to address my bad habit of procrastinating (we've been putting it off for 3 months now).

Everytime that my insomnia episode happens my brain immediately sprints towards overthinking and turns my emotions up to the maximum. It's so loud music couldn't even block out the noise from the screeching voices of my thoughts.

I was usually using this time to stress on myself. Trying to figure out why on God's green earth I couldn't sleep for the life of me because my body was definitely tired yet my mind was chock full of memories. Memories filled with anxiety, depression and a complete overdose of insecurities (for the people who don't understand, that's what you'd call my childhood or just everything up until now). The time that went by when I have my psychotic insomniac moments felt like a jail sentence. I later on took pride in it and made it my special time. Time to have mental breakdowns, cry and slowly gliding into my demons allowing them to eat away what's left of the glacier of this thing people call a heart.

Don't get me wrong I do still emote and yes everytime my insomnia kicks in my thoughts immediately scream your name. That's when it starts, our memories start to echo at high frequencies throughout the mountains of my mind's prison. The echoes triggers the avalanche and it's all downhill from there. This particular type of avalanche starts in the mountains of my mind and went down to end up snowing on this organ called the heart. My melting glacier which when melted reveals a stone in the shape of a heart. The melted snow creates excess water allowing the tear ducts to burst like a dam. With all that water from crying myself to sleep and crying in my sleep it's a miracle that I haven't drowned in my own pool of tears.

Don't get me wrong I'm an emotional wreck, certified in playing it off like she doesn't have feelings and a professional in crying over the dumbest things. Thing is I don't just cry over anyone or anything...but when you called it quits I was being a baby about it. Yes I know there's no point in crying over someone who doesn't want me, not to mention someone who has as much feeling as a robot.

I constantly think of the could haves. I have so many questions I'm burning to ask you, but it's useless because it's not like I'll like the answer. I want to ask you if you ever really saw a future with me, if you ever pictured me as the mother of your children and if you'd stop loving me the moment that hell freezes over? Of course I'm a fool because I know robots like you don't have hearts so you don't really feel anything. Yes I do blame myself for believing you when you claimed to love me.

I still wonder if your family would've liked me or if you're mother would've exploded at the site of someone as ugly as me. She'd probably prefer it if you settled down with someone more your type, like a toaster or a smart fridge.

I'm so mad at your stupidity, you are the smartest, dumb person I've ever met. I've recited and prepared a speech for you, written from a dark place, spilling mad, twisted feelings, so full of fury from the time you took my love and jerked it around, broke it and threw it away. This speech will have you crying so much you might ruin your software, you might need an oil change. Better yet I'll call the fire department because my words might probably burn a hole through your hardware.

I just don't know what it is or how you do it, but everytime I see you...I'm at a lost for words, my mouth doesn't know how to speak brain words. I completely freeze up. I hate that I have to keep reminding myself that it's over and that you're not coming back, you made that very clear. Eventhough my heart is waiting and my brain gets irritated by all the crashing waves and violent floods of the possibly that there could maby. By some miracle be a chance of an "Us". It's time for me to wake up and snap out of this trance. Everyone knows that happily ever after is only how fairytales end and life is definitely not a fairytale, very far from it I might add.

You're just so amazing, a handsome face that could make any woman blush. A touch that would turn me to putty in your hands. Soft lips and a kiss that would any princess feel like this was the reason why she was born into this cruel world. Arms that provide comfort and safety. A personality that would have you enchanted and suck you in like a vortex. It's like I'm possessed by the power of you.

Unfortunately, my high and mighty act drops dead as soon as my soul feels your presence near me.

There are so many things that I want to say to you and pour my soul out to you, but how do I do that without malfunctioning your circuitry. So I'll leave my message in a bottle, open it when you learn the meaning of those rare three little words I told you or when you grow a heart.

Take care of yourself my prince charming even though you haven't yet evolved from a toad, I still have faith that our fairytale is far from over.