Till Death Do Us Part

20th January, 2021.

**Diary Entry**

Some people don't believe in love. True love. Well, I understand them when they say they don't because I, too once didn't either. I used to believe that it could only be found in the old dusty pages of rusted novels. That it was purely born of the author's fantasy and imagination, nothing more. The whole idea of love irritated me because I thought it was exaggerated unduly. It was painted perfect and I felt it too good to be true. Nothing in this world is perfect and there is no such thing as "too good" or is there? maybe there is, there could be, I don't know but what I do know is that they never last. I believed love was a story, some folklore, told only to little children to make them giggle, to make their young hearts merry. To me, it didn't exist. It never existed, at least not anymore.

And I wish it stayed that way. I wish I clung on to this belief and didn't let it go. But No! I didn't, I so stupidly let go because I thought I found something new to cling unto. Someone to cling unto. Someone worth clinging unto. Stupid me! I let go, easily because I thought I found love. I was carried away. I forgot, completely, that love didn't exist. Maybe just the remnants? Maybe. But the remnants of love aren't anything like love. 

Oh! How I loved him. I loved him and in him, I found another world. A world quite different from ours. A world without sorrow, deceit and lies or so I thought. I forgot such world didn't exist. I was deeply in love. LOL. I thought I had it all and so, foolishly I gave him my heart. My precious little fragile heart. And then he took it and without warning, shattered it. He shattered it, wickedly, and without thinking, into a thousand million pieces. So much for love!

I still think about him but when I do I bite down hard on my lip till it bleeds. I scratch myself hatingly till I burst out crying. I rarely come out of my room. I sob hard sometimes into my pillow. I never want to see him again. I never want to hear his name again. The Devil!

The other day at dinner, momma mentioned his name and I felt something wriggle in my throat and then it tightened. It happens every time I hear his name. I hate the name but I remember it always. It's as if it's etched on in my memory for ever and I don't have a choice about it. I can't take it away. I still can't forget him, No matter how hard I try. I still haven't deleted his pictures on my phone and that hurts me. It hurts me more than I can say. But there is something in his cute smile and handsome face that I can't just let go. No. Not yet. God! He broke my heart. How could he? 

My friends tell me the first heartbreak is always hard. But this is not hard. It is impossible to live with. How can you hate someone and yet still want him near you so badly?

Momma tells me I'll get over him. That I will find another boy to love. Another boy to care for me. I only nod slightly and wipe my wet eyes. I don't want her worrying too much about me. But deep down, within me, I know. I know that I can't love another boy. Never! Not like the way I loved - or is it love? - Daniel.

***

The first time I saw Alina, I was in a mall, a shopping mall, debating within myself what I should get for dinner. I stared idly at the robust oranges that were inside my shopping cart. The pale red color of the tomatoes couple with their freshness was really inviting. But I wasn't hungry. I just stood there for some minutes staring down blankly and caressing the tomatoes. And then, from the corner of my eye, I noticed that someone was standing a few inches away from me. I lifted my face and saw Alina. The first thing my eyes caught was her smile and the dimples in her cheeks. She was smiling, gracefully at a mall attendant, who helped her with some information. I stared, but not for long, because the smile disappeared, very quickly and was replaced with a scowl. And then I knew the first thing about Alina.

I knew that she was capable of anger. And who isn't capable of anger? Everyone is. But this was different. She was looking beyond me. I traced her gaze and turned back, I was met with another scowl, of a different kind, from a different face, a mocking face. Her name was Alyssa, as I later came to know. She wore shades and her hair was done up in a ponytail. It was black and shiny and so long that it scraped the base of her buttocks lightly. I dipped my hand in the cart to pick up an orange while I surreptitiously watched the scowl duel between the two girls. It lasted some moments and had already begun to feel childish if Alyssa hadn't succumbed. She looked scornfully at Alina and walked away, her high heels hammering noisily on the floor.

"Er - is everything alright?" I said after a moment or two of awkward silence, still holding the orange.

I dropped the orange to maintain a proper gaze. She looked at me, the scowl now absent and her face, void of any expression. She just stared. I felt uncomfortable and was just about thinking what to say, when suddenly just as the smile disappeared, it appeared again and lit up her face.

"Yeah, it's no biggie." She said. Her voice was angelic and unusually captivating that my head went blank. I wanted to tell her how beautiful she was, how I had never seen anyone as beautiful as her and how I liked her voice but the words would not form. I was stunned by her beauty. Instead I just smiled back and winked, unconsciously.

She tried very hard to resist the effect my smile had on her. But then, it was too late. She had already blushed, gracefully.

***

It is possible I forget any other thing but I know, for certain, that I can not forget the sombre silence and the empty feeling that descended upon me when I glanced one last time at the back of her head. I knew she was going. Gone. Gone from my life and yet my heavy legs refused their function when I tried to run after her. I stood rooted to the spot.

Perspiration broke out on my forehead. She's gone. Just like that. No! It can't be.

I'm a fool. There is no gainsaying the fact that I am. A big one, in fact. Or however could one be so lucky to have such a precious darling, a rare gem and yet foolishly let her go? It wasn't my fault, really. It wasn't. Or was it? Don't worry. I'll tell you all about it. I'll tell you why dear Alina stormed out of my house and told me not to come after her. I will. But first you must know that in this world, there are girls. Nice girls. Like Alina, who don't deserve to have their hearts broken. But there aren't bad girls, not anywhere. Instead there are just devils.

I have to fight for love. I have to fight for Alina. I have hope. I know she loves me and God knows I love her!

***

25th January, 2021.

**Diary Entry**

Today, I deleted his pictures. Finally, I summoned up courage and deleted all but one. The one he took during a Christmas holiday in Vienna. He wasn't smiling in it like he did in almost all his pictures. He just stared, his blue eyes twinkling from their sockets. For now, I don't think I can delete the picture, not yet. Or maybe I will. I don't know. Time will tell.

Yesterday I saw him. I saw him lurking near the bushes in front of my house. I didn't want to see him and yet I watched him. I watched him from my window. I saw his every move. He was nervous. I could tell, but he concealed it, especially when he came to ring my door bell. I didn't answer. I knew he knew I was at home but he turned relunctantly and left.

I watched him go. I didn't want him to go. I wanted to run downstairs, stop him and tell him to wait. I wanted to tell him I still love. That I forgive him. What is love without forgiveness, anyway? . But I didn't move. I only turned to sip my coffee which was on a table behind me and then I buried myself under my blanket. 

Forgiveness isn't always easy. It's hard, sometimes. Aargh! God! I hate him but I love him more. Or maybe forgiveness is easy. If only he hadn't done it with Alyssa...

***

I didn't want to go. I never wanted to go to the party but my friends persuaded me. I tried to resist but you know, peer influence! It was a birthday party of a friend's friend,. It was just a few blocks away, no transport fare to consider and so I concluded that I had nothing to lose. 

We got there a little after eight o'clock. The apartment was full of smiling faces, funny looking teens who thinked they looked tough and girls with high heels and ridiculously short skirts. 

I sat calmly on the sofa trying to make out who the celebrant was but soon gave up. Everyone looked like the celebrant. I tilted by head back and stared at the ceiling. I thought about Alina and what she might be doing. I tried to make a vague outline of her on the white ceiling above but I couldn't because I was snapped out of my thoughts when I felt fingers creeping up my thighs.

I shifted sharply and brought my eyes to identify the owner of the fingers. I recognized the person at once. It was Alyssa.

"Sorry... you're Alina's boyfriend?" She said smiling awkwardly. She looked drunk. I glanced down at my wrist watch. It was sixteen minutes past nine.

"Er - Yes" I replied. "Sorry, do I know you?"

She ignored my question.

"Could I..." She stopped and stared blankly for some seconds before she belched. Disgusting! I carried my face away to avoid the pungent smell that came reeling out of her mouth.

She continued.

" Could I crash at your place tonight? I'm quite wasted as you can see." Her hand was still on my thigh. I lifted her hands slowly and placed them carefully on her own thigh before replying.

"Alina is coming over early tomorrow, I don't think she will be particularly pleased to see you in my house"

"Wait...I don't even know who you are" I lied

" Oh come on, I think you do. Anyway, I'll be off early tomorrow morning. Come on... I'm not as bad as you think" she said smiling widely. 

Perhaps she thought the smile will have an effect on me. Or maybe she was just so drunk. Either way. I found the smile irritating.

"Please? Please?" She added " I don't have anywhere to go. My house is far. It's too late. Plus I'm ..."

"Alright, it's okay" I cut in impatiently. "Can we go now? I'm sick of this party, anyway."

***

"What?... Daniel?" Those were the words that jerked me out of my sleep the following morning.

I sat up, bolt upright and rubbed my eyes. It took a second or two before I recognized the figure standing in the room. Alina.

I squinted as I looked at the figure that lay closely by my side. Alyssa. Her hand lay lazily across my belly. She had gotten up from the foam I laid for her and joined me on my bed.

I wrenched her hand away from me and got up swiftly. I could feel sweat trickle down my bare chest. I couldn't bring myself to hold the disgusted look Alina had on her face. She was angry. She was heart broken. I could feel it. God only knew what she thought of me at that moment!

"I - I can explain."I said, my lips finally parted, but those words made her turn briskly and hurriedly out of the room.

"Wait...Alina!" I called, my voice sounding a bit strange. In the midst of this, I heard someone giggle. I cast my head back to look at Alyssa. She lay dangerously on the bed, a mocking smile on the edge of her lips. I stared at her. My heart sank in sorrow. Was this planned? My eyeballs felt heavy in their sockets. I swallowed hard. And in that moment I knew I had played host to a Devil.

***

5th February, 2021.

**Diary Entry**



Love sucks! And falling in love sucks more, because you never get out of it, not completely. I am confused. I should have listened to him. I should have heard him out but I have been to rigid in this matter.

My sister told me Alyssa confessed that it was just a prank to break up me and Daniel. God! I should have known. Daniel will never cheat on me. Not with Alyssa. Not with anybody. I don't know, maybe it's time I had that dialogue with him. I want to see his face again. I'm dying to wrap my hands around his neck and gaze softly into his dreamy eyes.

I will call him. Yes, I will. I called him earlier but he didn't pick. Perhaps he's moved on? Or he's angry at me because I didn't trust him? I wanted him gone before but not now, not ever. I want him more than ever before. The chemistry that flows between us is incomprehensible. It is of our world and ours alone. Even if the sun fails to smile upon earth, I need not worry. His hearty smile is more than enough to brighten my world. Yes! I love him like that. I really do.

I will make that call now or maybe I should pay him a visit? Yes, I will but first I need to take a shower. My armpits smells badly, like rotten vegetables.

***

Fate. Do you believe in fate? Well, I do. Which is why I have decided to relax my habit of Calling her and revel in my melancholy. I have tried. I really have tried. Perhaps, we weren't meant to be. I know some people find love but can't keep it. Some others know how to keep it but they will never find it. I have found love and yet lost it. I once knew happiness and then I knew it not. I found Alina but lost her. It wasn't my fault, as you know but she wouldn't listen. She would not hear me out. I won't blame her. I can never blame her - not in this case. I'll blame fate. I'll blame fate for being so cruel that it gave me joy and yet snatched it out of my hands, leaving me empty. I believe true love comes only once, so I don't think I will ever find it again. But who knows? One can't predict fate. It predicts you. Perhaps I'll be lucky again and find love. True love. But even if I do I want it to be with Alina, just Alina. No one else. Meeting her in that shopping mall wasn't a mistake. It wasn't a coincidence.

 I know because in this life that we live in, there no mistakes, no coincidences, there is just fate...

***

Outside, the rain taps lightly on the roof.

My phone beeps. I stretch my hand to check the message but it's irrelevant. It's from a network provider. I try to drop the phone but something else catches my eye. A missed call.

I sit upright click on it and check to see. I squint a little to see the name, but I didn't need to. The name was bold enough for me to see. Alina. She had called.

As I sit upright, trying to call her back, I hear a knock on the door. I throw my blanket away from me and Sprint across to open the door. I turn the door knob and throw the door backwards. It's Alina. She's standing on the door mat, arms folded. She is just staring at me. I stare back, stupidly. Some moments pass before I finally find words.

"Alina..." I say

But she doesn't let me finish. Silently, she takes a few steps towards me and wraps her hands around my neck and then she whispers into my ear.

"I love you, Daniel. I'm never letting you go - not again"

Standing on the top of her toes, she grazes her soft lips with mine, her warm breath fans my face.

I balance my hands boldly on her hips and rub her small nose gently with mine before replying:

"Till death do us part, Alina."