Agoraphobia

If Ethan knew one thing it was that he didn't like crowds. The noise was always just a little too much, the people just a little too close their smiling faces, flashing teeth. Grating laughter. It made him feel on edge and out of place, and the bright flashing lights, and whirring of the carnival rides didn't help either. Everything was so bright, the colours so in his face. He couldn't understand how anyone could enjoy this for long periods of time. Ethan himself had only agreed to come along because his boyfriend had really wanted them to, and Luke always made him feel more at ease. But now Luke was nowhere to be seen, and Ethan was pressed up against a wall, hood pulled low over his face. Luke had said he would only be gone a moment, he had told Ethan to stay because he could sense it was becoming a bit much. And while Ethan had tried to hide it, and tried to enjoy it Luke, as always, was right. But he was also, not here. Ethan let out his breath, fishing his phone from his pocket to see that it had been ten minuets, and Luke still wasn't back.

Ethan knew he had a tendency to be a little paranoid. It helped to ground and remind himself of what made sense, of what was real. What was real, was Luke had gone off, said he would be back soon, and wasn't. He wasn't responding to the 15 texts Ethan had sent either, which is was really worried him. The appropriate response, was to obviously go and look for him. In the crowd... with all the people. "Do it for love Ethan, for love..." steeling himself Ethan charted a path through the crowd where he thought he would bump into the least amount of people, and began on his way.

It really was so very loud. The sound almost seemed to smother Ethan as he walked. He grabbed at his hood and pulled it tighter around his ears but it hardly seemed to make a difference. Everything was so loud, and so close. "Luke!" he yelled, trying to be heard over the crowd, "Luke where are you!" There was no response, so Ethan pressed forward, but slowly, it was starting to feel like something was wrong. He glanced around, a frown playing on his lips, trying to squint at the crowd to make Luke appear but all he saw was people. Figures. A mass of colours and shapes that almost seemed to blend into one another an amalgamation of bodies. This made Ethan bolt up right, as he realised none of them had faces anymore. He was sure that they had all been people only moments before but now... They still laughed, harsh and jarring. The chatter of their voice rising up to meet the night sky.

Ethan let out a shuddering breath and shook his head to try and clear it. Nothing changed, so he picked up the pace and began weaving his was faster and faster through the crowd, "Luke! Luke where are you!" There was no singular response and before he knew it Ethan was breaking out into a sprint, "Luke!"

Was it his imagination, or was the crowd getting closer? Was he bumping shoulders with them more and more often? Ethan's breath began catching in his throat and the panic took a hold of him. He pushed through, desperately looking for an exit, but everything was the same. The noise, the lights, the colour, everything blended together in dizzying disarray. He needed to get out of here, he needed to find Luke... Luke. What did Luke always say in times like these? Deep breaths, focus on somethin small. Find an anchor. But the only anchor Ethan truly cared about, was Luke. And he was gone...

"One breath, two breath, in and out. Follow it, slow and steady," Ethan murmured, pulling his arms up over his head. He stared determinedly down at his foot. The neon sneakers, with the bright orange laces that Luke had gotten him for Christmas. He loved those sneakers, he wore them everyday. But he only loved them as much as he did because Luke had given them to him. If he had saw them on the shelf he would have thought they looked cool, but never dreamed of buying them. They were so out there, so bold. But here they were now, speckled with dirt and age. He didn't even worry about wearing them anymore.

They were apart of who he was. That was part of the reason why Ethan loved Luke so much, he knew what Ethan wanted, but was too scared to try. He guided him, slowly, and kindly, making sure no step was too big. Their relationship had made him better, more confident. Hot stinging tears began to prick at his eyes as he stared down at the shoes. He was lost without Luke, utterly lost.

"Ethan!"

Ethan gasped and looked up abruptly to see that everything was normal again, and Luke was weaving his was through the crowd towards him.

"Ethan why did you run off, I told you to wa-"

Ethan cut him off by throwing his arms around Luke, holding him tight, "don't ever disappear like that again."

Luke gave a bemused smile, and returned the hug, "pretty sure that's my line. I told you to wait."

"I know, I'm sorry," Ethan said, his voice muffled by Luke's shoulder, "you weren't answering by texts, I got worried.

Luke pulled back slightly and gave Ethan a light kiss, "sorry, that's my bad, he look here I am answering!" Luke said comically pulling out his phone and typing into it, a few moments later Ethan's phone buzzed, "go on, check it," Luke said.

Ethan hesitated, then pulled out is own phone to see a little message had appeared.

I love you.

"Do you want to go home now?" Luke asked.

Ethan gazed at the message a few moments longer, then looked up at Luke's concerned face and smiled, "no. I don't. I really was having fun, and now that you're back. I'll be just fine."