The Promise

Have you ever been in love? You know the kind of love they show in movies? The one you read about in books? You thought it was all just a lie, your world no longer had room for love but then the doors to your heart opened and you found yourself caught in a frenzy of new emotions. You didn’t understand them, yet it was beguiling and you were tempted to see where it would go. 

You fell deeper in that cauldron of feelings and you just couldn’t help it. You felt heavily sedated; the dose seemed too much for you. You were floating, you were dreaming, it was surreal and for the time time in 8 years, you were smiling like a baby dreaming of coming out of it’s mother’s womb, escaping the darkness. 

Your darkness was a different kind, it had surrounded and consumed you to the last bit of sanity left. You had been through so much, the torture, the abuse, the pain was almost insufferable. You felt trapped in a web, unable to pull out from. The flashbacks of the last time you opened up to someone were horrific. You’d cry all night and weep for a moment of peace. Yes, you survived but were you even living? 

Let’s take it back six months. It was the 14th of December and you remember it so keenly because that night changed your life. It was past midnight and you, as always, battling your insomnia and looking for an excuse to kill time. You scrolled through your Facebook and an unfamiliar friend request caught your attention. You stalked him, looked for mutual friends, your interest building and you were tempted to start a conversation. 

“We don’t know each other right?,” you typed and tapped send.

The universal conversation starter for all random requests.

“No we don’t”, he replied within minutes.

And so it began, another flood of emotions poured out just like that. You spent the entire night talking about each other, getting to know him and even though the pace seemed too fast, you didn’t want to hold your heart anymore. 

Days passed and without knowing, you found yourself in a relationship. He was kind, passionate and his voice struck all the right cords in your heart. His messages brightened up your face and even though he was too different from you, you couldn’t resist the urge to grab his face and kiss him every damn second! Oh was this how love felt? 

He would woo you with his sweet words, sweep you off your feet and in that moment there was nothing you could ask for more than to touch him, play with his hair, hug him so tight that even air couldn’t come between you two. You wanted him, desperately! You wanted it to work this time and you were ready to give all you had. But, just like every other love story; this too had it's fair share of plot twists. 

He was four years and nine months younger, having just graduated with a bachelors degree and stepped into the corporate world. His life was a highway, no brakes, no time to stop or to look around. His work, your biggest enemy. He could only give time to one thing and that ticked you off like a time bomb every other day.

“I can’t leave work, baby,” he would say every time you demanded his attention, his precious time.

You hated every bit of that sentence. It drove you crazy to not be able to hold him and get him. Patience wasn’t your strongest forte either, you nagged him and threw your mood swings at him, he would sometimes caress your heart and calm you or he would simply lose it after a hectic day at work. 

Six months passed and you decided to celebrate your half year anniversary. You told him how special it was to have made it so far with him and that you never really thought it would work. A night before, you messaged him how you were really looking forward to your six month anniversary and that you couldn’t let anything ruin it. You had been anticipating this day since forever and it had felt like a million years to finally make it to six months! But life never gives you what you want, does it? 

It was 11:34 pm, just twenty-six minutes for it to be midnight and the big night to start. Yeah, you’re big on those 12 am wishes, something he knew too well. And so he came home, tired, worn out and all you heard him say was how sleepy he was that he couldn’t even keep his eyes open. You tried your best not to fight but well you have a pea-sized patience threshold and all hell broke loose. You said the most mean things and even though he wished you well before even the clock struck 12, you didn’t stop going on at him. You made this beautiful video for him, compiling all your memories together, you wanted to send it but you were too mad at him. 

Six months, the clock struck 12! He sent you a wish again, but you ignored it. Instead, you told him you want out; out of this relationship. You told him you’re done and you’re not happy. You told him you’re leaving and even though he asked you not to, you blocked him, threw your face in the pillow as tears rolled down your face. It had to be this night! The worst night of your life. 

You tried to suppress that anger, that hurt which was just building up inside. You were disappointed but more than that you felt torn; you wanted to kill yourself, the flashbacks again! Your past glared at you, you felt trapped again. Being in an abusive and a torturous relationship three years back had poisoned you with all kinds of dark thoughts. You held your heart like it was a baby, fragile, ready to break at a slight harsh word. The pain returned again, clenching your chest, pulling at the veins of your heart, oh that terrible terrible pain! 

Two days later, the pain still hadn’t stopped. You missed him, you wanted him back, yes it was your fault, but only partially. You wanted to be with him badly but your flashbacks kept telling you otherwise. You felt it was all a game for him. He didn’t love you, no! He couldn’t just let go of you so easily if he did! Your paranoia getting the better of you and you thought of all the possible things he could be doing now that you were no more part of his life. 

Four days and you just couldn’t take it anymore, your anxiety was at it's peak, you were crying all night, dark, depressed thoughts clouded your mind. You felt the pull again and you had no one to turn to. You decided you couldn’t live without him but you couldn’t live with him either! You grabbed your phone, ran up the stairs and onto the deserted roof. The wind howled, you reached to the edge and held onto the railing for support. Your mind felt clogged, you weren’t thinking straight, one little push and you’d be dead! 

You had made up your mind. There was only one thing left to do, you desperately wanted to hear him before you took this step. He was all you had and you wanted to make sure you told him how you felt before it was too late. You dialed his number, it rang three times until he picked up.

“Hello?,” his concerned voice echoed through the speaker.  

Your heart skipped and you could no longer feel your legs, his voice oh how you missed his voice! It felt surreal, like music to your ears, the voice you so deeply loved! "Just say it", you silently reminded yourself. You knew you'd regret it if you didn't. “I love you,” the words poured out before you could even stop yourself. Tears welled up and you could no longer see where you were standing. Your grasp tightened on the railing, your only support to keep you alive. 

“Where are you?,” he asked, you could sense the panic in his voice.

He knew you, only too well at times and he had known you enough to ask you that question. You didn’t tell him, you let him worry, you wanted him to feel all the emotions you went through for the past four days. He did not try to get you back! You were upset, it was because of him you decided to be up here. “Did he even care?,” you asked yourself.

Of course he did! He wasn’t the one who left! It was you! He was always there, he gave you space thinking you needed it, he tried to stop you but you were so adamant to leave him! He hurt you? Darling, you bruised his ego by telling him you weren’t happy with him! And now, even after all that he was here, trying to calm you down. 

“Please go down and we’ll talk about it,” he repeated over and over.

Your heart could no longer take it, battling with clinical depression for years, you no longer had control over your emotions but he was good, no, great! He consoled you, those twenty-three minutes, he listened to you and spoke in that ever so soft voice, a voice that could melt iron and your heart was just a squishy little thing. He reminded you of the memories and the promises, he told you how much he loved you and you gave in.

You blinked your eyelids to regain your vision that had been clouded by a pool of tears, loosened your grip as you stepped down from the railing and onto the flat surface. 

You went back home and he called you immediately. 

“Promise me, you’ll never do that to me again,” his voice breaking, you could sense the worry in his voice.

“You’re all I have,” he added.

Your senses slowly returning back to reality and all you could say in that moment was, “I promise”.