Route 34

As Jacob stepped off platform 12 and on to the route 34 train, his thoughts momentarily faded to nothing. The numbing buzz of codeine began to cloud his senses and make his fingers tingle as it did every time Jacob took this lonely train ride. The jolt of the train pushing away from the station bought Jacob back to reality. Although, the images racing behind his eyes were as loud to him as the scraping clunking wheels on the tracks.

The flash of passing dilapidated suburbs comparably dull; obscured by the fluorescent lights. Lights ever bright with no relief. Jacob's illegally obtained prescription painkiller was taking more effect on his consciousness; his head growing heavy and his heartbeat erratic. The lights overhead grew whiter, blinding Jacob, curtaining everything from view. A white void and nothing more. A few moments passed and as Jacob slowed his heart and breathed slow, filling his lungs deeply with air; he awoke. Coming out of his daze to find the previously empty and lifeless train bustling with people. The train was warm, a warmth he hadn't felt in years. Every face seemed familiar. His body and mind trembled with long-forgotten excitement. A young girl ran down the aisle, stumbled and fell; without a moment of pain, she jumped up and bounded on her way. The girl's joy was matched only by the young woman that followed after her. That woman's face struck Jacob with every emotion he had ever and never felt. Her face to Jacob was pure comfort and safety; she belonged close to him. Yet before he could call her, reach out to her, his eyes lost focus. The carriage shuddered and the white void returned. This time, however, the blanc light in Jacob's eyes felt eternal.

After the wearisome wait finally ended and the icy steel train came back to Jacob. The train was once again empty. The woman was gone. Jacob was left numb and alone once again. He gradually re-adjusted to the reality he was forced back into. Eyes refocusing on the ad covered wall directly in front of him. He stared unblinking, perplexed by what he had witnessed;

 Was I hallucinating? This shouldn't be happening, what the hell! It’s just codeine Jacob thought to himself. Slowly but surely, Jacob absorbed what he was seeing. An advertisement, for a forgotten brand; a product that Jacob thought had been long dead and gone. His eyes drifted around the compartment, gliding past a multitude of crusty plastered-on ads. Pausing to read a poster promoting the 'most luxurious brand of cigarettes'. This promotion was strange to Jacob; his old favourite brand of tobacco, being advertised publicly against all usual regulations. As his mind raced, and his attention jumped from ad to sign, from sign to poster, Jacob's mind began to melt. Melt; dissolve with confusion. 

These ads had to be at least 20 years old, but how? He thought. The train itself appeared drab like those Jacob used to ride daily; but far more miserable. He pressed his face right against the cold window, trying as best he could to see ahead of the train. Jacob watched as the tracks further up switched from their planned route towards the country, now veering off towards more disintegrating, urban buildings. 

Switching tracks made the train lurch, leaving the intoxicated Jacob dislodged from his seat. He picked himself up and settled back into his seat just in time for static to fill his head. Static which mellowed into a soft drone, accompanied by his vision being engulfed in white nothing for a second time.

This period of emptiness was shorter than before. Jacob having awoken to the intimate warmth he had felt the previous time. This time, however, the woman was closer, as was the young girl, her sister, sitting in backward-facing seats on the left side of the train; Jacob on the right. He stole glances of her every moment he could; every inch of her being brought Jacob the ecstasy that he so rarely felt. His entire body froze. Jacob had felt he’d been on this train before, seen this woman before and fallen in love with this woman before. Although this day occurred 23 years prior. On a chilly day, March 1984, Jacob had fallen ill with love for Cassey; and she had fallen fatefully and fatally in love with him. 

Jacob's foggy drugged mind struggled to reach this realisation; only understanding the true weight of where he was once he locked eyes with Cassey. His mind was thrown from the train, reality spiralled around him. Seeing years of their relationship cascade before him. Nothing was clear, every memory shrouded in anger. Jacob saw everything he had done; everything he had done to Cassey. All memories flooding back as if he wasn't the man in them. He saw bruises and broken glass; broken trust and empty bottles. Everything within him crumbled. The white screen returned but only for a moment; placing him back on the dismal retro train. He felt his face flush hot and red with anger or shame. Jacob's sight blurred, darkened and he flung his fist directly into the seat before him. Immediately, he straightened, sitting upright and staring at his quivering grazed hand. The self-realisation of what was happening engorged him. Slipping his hand into his pocket and pulling out a container of pills, Jacob decided to wash it all away. Choosing to lose control rather than have it taken from him. 

As Jacob's body digested the second codeine pill, a chill spread from his stomach outwards; blanketing him with relief. He felt calm and collected, a far cry from his usual state of being. His thoughts slowed, settling on Cassey and how happy they had been. Unimaginably happy, until Jacob was comfortable enough to be himself; or comfortable enough to lose himself. Jacob sat there, on the forgotten train from the past, with his body aching with guilt. Nothing felt right to him; his own identity was now tainted. Something inside Jacob had taken control and betrayed him. Without warning the temperature inside the carriage dropped. Jacob started to shiver; shivering that was emulated by the train itself. The rattling and shaking carriage was so noisy it truly scared Jacob. The fear built within him, growing more and more until the familiar white light began to return. The bright void seemed a comfort to Jacob, who assumed he'd be taken back to the warmth and love off the train that day long ago; but when he came to, very little had changed. The train was still freezing, although there were people there. But the people seemed like mere shells; empty hollow and unhappy passengers. The world around Jacob seemed distorted.

The carriage twisted and warped. Jacob heard distant laughter and talking; talking which turned to yelling, and then to screaming. Cassey was no longer there. She had left like Jacob always feared she would. His eyes began to fill with tears, but none fell. It hurt to blink them back, but he did anyway before noticing that all the passengers had vanished; he was alone again. A small child ran past, it wasn't Cassey's sister though. Jacob couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl, but it bared a strange resemblance to an ultrasound Jacob once saw with Cassey. Jacob drew back into his mind. Realising the monster, he had become. The years of drinking, repressed anger and even the codeine he had with and in him right then. Even to think of the anger and frustrations he released onto Cassey brought him enormous pain. 

How did I let this happen; let myself be like this again. Jacob rolled these thoughts through his mind. This had not been the first time Jacob had realised the error of his ways. His weekly drug-addled route 34 train ride often left him disconnected; although reconnected to every hideous aspect of his life which he had pushed so deep within him. 

“What have I done! I’ve ruined myself and hurt my beautiful Cassey” sobbed Jacob; speaking to only himself. This epiphany retched within his gut leaving him spitting up stomach acid onto the sticky train floor. Leaning back, Jacob wiped his mouth; feeling the train brake, slow down and then stop. He stared at the sign indicating the train was stopped at station 12. Jacob had ridden the entire loop, yet the journey had gone by so quickly. He stood with nervous intention, realising he must make changes to his life; fix what he had become. Walking towards the now open train doors he paused. Something in his mind begged him to not step off the train; wanting to desperately hold on to what that train meant. Jacob forced his legs to amble forward, stepping from the train the concrete platform. As his foot planted on the ground, he was overcome. Like a gush of water from above, a feeling of loss washed over Jacob. Although, he could not remember what he had lost. His mind strained as if trying to remember words that he had forgotten to say. He walked along the well-remembered path toward the liquor store; all the while wondering whether Cassey was home and if she had learnt her lesson from what she had made Jacob do earlier. He had forgotten what he had forgotten. All the illuminating realisations of his recent train ride had been lost to time; just as they usually were each week.