New Year’s Resolution

It’s January 3rd. I sat down, since I was told to, and started rethinking my New Year’s Resolutions. I went through them one by one and considered whether or not I’d really keep them:

1. I need to convince Mommy and Daddy to take me to the doctor, even though I’m afraid. They’re giving me 2 treats in the morning and since they’ve started doing that, the pain in my legs has gotten better, but it still hurts. I think maybe they should give me three treats and it isn’t just because I enjoy the treats, it’s because the second treat makes my pain go away. Also, I’m having trouble seeing since this weird foggy stuff is in the front part of my eyes. Maybe the doctor can wash it out. Finally, I’m sleeping a lot more and don’t have as much energy. Maybe the doc could give me a fourth treat for that. I hope I’ll keep this one but it’s really up to Mom and Dad
2. I need to be more affectionate with Daddy. It’s just Mommy’s spends more time with me, usually, but lately she seems to just be in front of her computer with books. Daddy’s paying more attention to me but not the way Mommy used to. Maybe if I’m more enthusiastic when he comes home or cuddle with him more, then he’ll pay more attention to me. Maybe. I’m really going to try to keep this one.
3. I’ve been told that I guard the door too much and get into too many fights with others. I’ve been told not to do that every day. I don’t think I’m going to do that though. That’s just how I am.  
4. I’ve also been told that I’m too stubborn since I won’t go to sleep on the bed and keep jumping off to watch TV with Mommy. I like watching TV and getting petted by Mommy so I think I’ll keep doing that.
5. I’ve been told to leave young girls alone at the dog park. I’m not going to do that. Definitely not. That’s how I am.
6. I’ve also been told to drink the water from my bowl instead of on top of the sewage drain, but the sewage drain water tastes better, so I’m going to keep drinking it.  
7. I’ve been told I need to work on patience too. I’m a dog, I have no patience. Nah, not doing that.
8. They also tell me I’m fat and need to exercise more and eat less. You got to be kidding.  
9. Supposedly we’re going to spend more time at the park. I hope we do that.
10. And supposedly I need to love everyone more, whether or not they have chicken. I’ll grudgingly try.
11. Daddy says I need to wake him up when I’m ill and have diarrhea, but I’m a good dog and I don’t want to wake Mommy and Daddy up, so I’ll just do that in a more secretive place so they won’t find it.  
12. Mommy keeps crying because she’s scared I’m going to see some strange man named, Jesus soon. I’m not scared of Jesus, Mommy. If Jesus comes and tries to take me to this Heaven place, I’ll bark and bite and won’t let Him take me. I want to stay with my mommy.
13. Supposedly I also, need to eat my dog food at work instead of waiting for treats. Mommy’s not at work, only Daddy. But, the human food tastes so much better than the dog food, so I’d prefer to wait for it. Not going to keep this resolution.  
14. I keep caring more about meats than Mommy and Daddy. I can’t help it. I love Mommy and Daddy but I love chicken, steaks, burgers, veal, and ham more. I’m not going to stop that. I just can’t help it. That’s how I am.  
15. I will try to comfort Mommy and Daddy when they’re having a bad day instead of being selfish and lying on a soft pillow with good smells by myself.
16. I will try to let more people pet me even if they don’t have a treat. I’m not promising, but I’ll try.  
17. I’ll try not to be scared at night when I can’t see, try not to be scared of loud yelling, try not to be scared of water, or when Mommy and Daddy are arguing, but it’s hard. It’s really, really hard.  
18. I’ll try to be nicer to my previous owners, even if they did abandoned me. I’m not sure I remember them, though, and they did abandon me, which hurt me.
19. Ill try to just be a dog but often I feel like I’m a member of the pack and the rest of the pack is human, so I must be human too. Right? Or at least get to eat human food.
20. I’ll try to let Mom and Dad lead me when walking instead of me leading them. Wait. No I won’t. Forget that. I like leading the pack.
21. I won’t behave when the vet’s cutting my nails. I also won’t behave when Daddy’s brushing my teeth. I get really scared when those things happen and they hurt.
22. I’m sorry Mommy praises me more than she praises Daddy but I can’t help that or do anything about that.
23. I’m sorry they aren’t having kids and that they have made me their kid, but I can’t really help that or do anything about that, even if I wanted to, but I’m sorry I can’t be a human baby.
24. I’m also sorry that I can’t outlive Mommy, which she keeps telling me she wishes I could.
25. And I’m sorry I’m just a dog and not a God. I’m sorry. I can’t change that though.