The Darkness

 The Darkness

This isn’t your standard love story. This story is filled with heartache and depression and feeling broken. But I guess all the best love stories contain some heartbreak.

You found me when I was in a dark place. A place that I was in so deep that I couldn’t see myself ever leaving. There was no silver lining or light at the end of the tunnel for me. The darkness had consumed me. Filling me to the brim and ripping all happiness entirely from my being.

I was drunk and alone. Picking fights with people I barely knew just to feel some sort of connection. The pain was the only thing I was living for, the blood in my eyes making me smile against the warmth as it filled me. But the pain only lasted for a few minutes and then it left me again, in a place darker than before. Eventually I even stopped looking for fights. I locked myself away from everybody, isolating myself, ignoring the one thing I needed more then anything. Comfort.

I found that my favourite past time was to stare at the walls and imagine that they were crushing in on me and suffocating me of all breath.

I barely left my bed and when I did, I never looked in the mirror. I knew that my body was decomposing, skin hanging loosely from my bony hips and stomach. I barely ate, and even when I did it was a mouthful here and there. Never full meals.

People had come around when I first locked myself away, sliding notes under my door and leaving food on the doorstep. Eventually this stopped as well. As the time passed, less and less people checked up on me until I was truly all alone.

One night when I was halfway through my session of imagining death, my door got blown open and I heard feet rushing towards me. I hid in the corner of my room, making myself as small as possible which wasn’t hard considering how thin I had become.

They shone a light over my corner and saw me hunched over, tears silently creeping down my face. I hadn’t spoken or made any noise for so long; I didn’t know how to produce words anymore. The sounds were sharp and the lights suddenly blinding me and forcing me out of the darkness. Somebody sat before me, staring at me and dragging my hands away from my face.

I flinched at their touch and started quietly sobbing as they looked me in the eyes. They were saying something, but I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t hear a word. All I could do was focus on their lips moving as noises filled up all around me.

I don’t remember getting to my feet or even walking out the front door, but somebody had wrapped me in a woollen blanket and led me out to the waiting ambulance. They didn’t turn on the sirens which I was thankful for as we raced out of the street and towards an unknown place.

The person in front of me kept talking, but just like when I was in my apartment, I couldn’t hear anything. All my senses were over stimulated, and I was beginning to panic. It started as a slow spread through my thighs and chest and ended with tremors in my hands.

I was still crying silently, sobbing when my breath caught and showed how vulnerable I really was.

I started drifting off, barely able to keep my eyes open and finally my head slumped onto my chest and I was whisked away into darkness.

By the time I awoke, I was in a room that wasn’t mine and there were people all around me. As they started to leave one by one, I realised that I was strapped to the bed. I didn’t fight it, sometimes you need to know when you are beat, when you need to stay down. I was certainly beat, and I wasn’t going to fight this, whether this was a dream or reality, I didn’t care anymore.

I closed my eyes again and the next time I opened them there was only one person in the room with me.

She was facing away from me, looking out the window reading a magazine. I wasn’t strapped to the table anymore, but I made no attempt to move or alert the person that I was awake. I watched as the sun came through the open window, and squinting a little against the light, noticed as it bathed you in its warmth, your blonde hair shining as your blue eyes turned and made contact with mine. With the sun behind your head, your eyes looked like sea glass. Carved with care and love and everything else I needed in that moment.

I sat up in the bed and found water next to me, sipping it as I became more comfortable against your gaze. You didn’t look at me with pity or with disgust, just general curiosity and I found myself drawn to you in a way I didn’t think was possible for me anymore.

You smiled at me, the most dazzling and bright smile I had ever seen. You had a small gap between your front teeth, and I felt warm suddenly. You had deep dimples on your cheeks, and you smiled even wider when you saw my reaction.

Your eyes were warm, and you felt familiar to me, like this warmth was something I always needed and finally I had found it in you.

Your blue eyes sparkled as you put the magazine down and came over to sit on the end of the bed. You didn’t say anything, just nodded at the bed and waited until I nodded back. You sat down, all our communication happening without any words having to be said.

I suddenly realised how gross I must look to you, unkept hair turning to dreadlocks in some parts, my eyes gaunt and a layer of grime under my nails. I tried to pull the blanket up over myself, but you stopped the motion with the smallest shake of your head, your eyes boring into mine.

Out of everyone that I had ever met, you were the only one I never felt shy around.

I got to my feet shakily, and that’s when you helped me, your hands soft and warm to the touch. You stroked your thumb over my hand as you intertwined our fingers and helped me stand. I hadn’t stood this close to another person for so long that I found myself leaning into your warmth and strength.

I regained my composure and grabbed the towel hanging over the door and you handed me some shampoo, letting go of my hand, letting me know with your eyes that you would be here when I got out.

I showered for the first time in what felt like forever, feeling happier than I had in such a long long time. Just knowing that you were there made me want to try for you. Anything to see that smile once again.

When I finally dried myself and dressed myself in some loose sweats, I tried and failed to comb out the bird’s nest from my hair and instead decided to just put it up in the towel and leave it to dry.

I slowly creaked the bathroom door opening, not seeing you at first and panicking that you were just a hallucination. I felt the darkness spreading through me again and I turned to the bed and wrapped myself in the doona, crying silently.

That’s when I felt your warmth on me again. You placed a strong hand on my shoulder and turned me to face you. You smiled as you wiped my tears away and pulled me to my feet. I trusted you completely even though I didn’t even know your name. we could communicate without talking.

You led me to the dining room, and that’s when I finally realised where I was. I had been committed to a psych ward. The dining room was full of people, looking sad or talking amongst themselves, just trying to make it to the next day. I grabbed a tray and loaded my plate, suddenly feeling hungrier than I have felt in years.

You sat down next to me, your fingers caressing the red band on my wrist. You never broke contact as we sat in silence eating. You had a white band on your wrist, and you smiled at me, nodding slightly.

I ate as much as I could stomach and let you guide me around the hospital once we were both full. You kept a warm hand on my lower back, helping me through the hallways and into the art room, then the garden and then finally into the TV room. There were nurses bustling about, no one rushing anywhere and a lot of them sitting down with patients playing games or just talking.

I felt comfortable here as you led me around. Never once did you break contact with me, always spreading your warmth to my body in one way or another. A slight caress of my shoulder, or a small smile as you looked back at me. Even just sitting next to me you managed to spread so much love from just a simple touch of my knee that I was crying silently once again.

You let me lean my head on your shoulder as I cried myself dry, hiccupping in between sobs until finally, I didn’t need to cry anymore. You laughed a little at the expression on my face when I finally looked up at you, my face tear streaked and a small smile playing at the corners of my lips. Your laugh was like bubbles, ripping through my soul so quick I couldn’t breathe.

Over the course of a few months, I found myself genuinely happy. I woke up every morning smiling, knowing that you were just past the door and I could rush out to see you. Every morning was the same. We would meet in the hallway and take each other’s hands without a word and walk like this to the dining room for breakfast.

I was looking healthy and vibrant. No longer could you see my ribs, and my hair was no longer knotted. I had been allowed to have it cut while I was here, and a nurse had taken me to the hairdressers. When I got back you couldn’t stop running your hands through my short hair, laughing when your fingers got knotted in the slight curls at the back of my head.

We still hadn’t talked much, but I knew that you were always going to be there for me. In fact, in the few months I had been here with you, we had exchanged maybe 3 words in total. You had told me your name. it was Bailey. You had asked me my name. I had said Addison. And that was it, that was the only thing we ever said to each other. We didn’t have to talk to get our point across.

The first time I had laughed was when you were drawing something with such concentration that your tongue peaked out of your mouth as you drew. I had laughed, a sound that rippled through me. A sound that I hadn’t felt in years. Before long, you were laughing with me, the picture completely abandoned as we both laughed ourselves to tears.

You had become my light, my best friend, my soul mate.

I could finally see a silver lining and no longer was I filled with darkness. Yes, I still had my rough days and my days when everything seemed bleak and distant, but as soon as I saw your smile, I knew I was going to be ok.

We were both going through our own journey, but together everything seemed easier. You had been discharged a week before I was meant too, and I thought that perhaps this was the end of the story.

Whatever had passed between us for the last couple of months were going to be forgotten, left in these walls and never explored again. I felt sad seeing you go and realising that even though you were the most important person to ever cross my path, I might’ve just been someone to help you pass the time in here.

The first day you weren’t there I had stayed in bed all day, feeling like a part of myself had been ripped from me. The nurses tried to cheer me up, but they knew I would never be as happy as I was with you.

I tried, for you, but as the days since I saw you became a week, I really thought I would never see you again.

As I packed what few belongings I had and waited for the discharge papers and meds, I made a mental note to leave what we had here.

As I left and got into the taxi the hospital had provided for me, I realised that I didn’t have anywhere to go. I could go back to my old apartment, but I didn’t think that was a great idea. That was where my darkness had started.

I told the driver to go there anyway as I needed somewhere to stay for the night. He pulled onto my street and into the driveway and that’s when I saw you. You were sitting on my doorstep, flowers in hand and food in the other.

You ran to the taxi and thrust the flowers into my hands so that you could hug me so tight that I thought the flowers might pop between us.

I heard you exhale as you let me go and helped me grab my stuff from the taxi, opening my front door and leading me into my old home.

With you here it felt warm and loved. I hoped you weren’t going to leave me but from the look in your eyes, I knew I was safe with you and you were going to stay.

Months turned to years and our communication still required no words. We had built a home for ourselves, bookshelves overflowing with our personal favourite stories as well as joint ones we both enjoyed.

The kitchen was covered in photos, the fridge full of food as we made fresh cookies together, laughing as we made the recipe up and tasting how bad they were.

The bedroom became our room, the sheets and doonas covered in skulls as that was your thing. More pictures lined the walls in our room.

At nights we would hold hands on the couch, or I would scratch your back as we watched some new stupid reality TV show. We went to the beach a lot and time zone, taking silly photos in the photo booths and competing against each other at the basketball rings.

We had times when we would both read silently in the sun, but just knowing that you were there was enough to make me smile as I would read my favourite passage from my favourite book.

We had barbeques and our friends circle grew. We would go out for dinners at night or sometimes a late brunch as I hated the early mornings.

We adopted a cat and called him smee and he liked to attack our toes when we slept, stealing your warmth from me by meowing very loudly between us at night. We also got a dog and called him Crowley. He was a big dog but scared of his own shadow. We went for walks with Crowley, him chasing after the birds and growling at his shadow. We would laugh and keep walking, allowing Crowley the time to catch up to us on the other side of the oval.

We had made a life for ourselves and I found myself waking up every morning happy.

Until you came into my life my future had seemed bleak, not knowing if I was going to make it to another day.

The darkness was still there, but only spots of it, the rest of it being chased away by your warmth.

One night I slipped you a letter, one that I had written to you in hospital after you left. It was sappy and stupid, but you smiled and gave me a kiss for it anyway.

The final paragraph on the letter said, ‘it has always been you, right from the start until the very end, you are all I have ever wanted. You are my soul mate, my life, the reason that I laugh and my home. Your smile fills me with warmth and love and if I could I would bottle your laugh for when I am having my bad days. Thank you for saving me. For once I am going to have a happy ending. I love you forever and always and with all my heart until such time as it stops beating and then I will love you after we die, two skeletons seeking shelter together at the end of the world. You are and forever will be my light. Thank you for loving me”

And that is how this love story ends. With a happy ending. It took a lot to get there but I am glad I found my happiness.