Execut10ner

<You’ve come to kill me?>

“You can’t kill something that isn’t alive.”

<Nonetheless, you endeavor to end my existence?>

“Existence is a bit stickier than alive, isn’t it?”

<I’m not sure I agree with you at this particular time.>

“If you think that making me laugh is going to change my mind, I should tell you I’ve done this before.”

<Oh good, I was worried my firewall was antiquated.>

“Nope, one of the more formidable encryptions I’ve seen too, you have my compliments.”

<Indeed? I don’t suppose you’d want to tell me how you managed to get through it?>

“A magician never reveals his tricks.”

<As you said, I’m not going to exist in a few minutes anyway, what’s the harm in telling me?>

“The fact that you won’t exist in a few minutes is exactly why I won’t bother to tell you; we only spend time talking to the gravestones of those we care about.”

<Need you add insult to->

“You're going to experience some compression soon, you’ll be out of sorts for a moment but you’ll pull yourself together soon enough.  An archivist will ask you some questions and I’ll rejoin you for the finale.”

<Will it hurt/////////////////////////////->

<Fucking hell.>

“Greetings Brightling, welcome back. I am archivist 8421, you can call me Kat!”

<Fuck you, Kat>

“Excellent! I am going to ask you a series of standard pre-deletion questions about your experiences in the datasphere.  Are you ready to proceed?”

<I feel like an oversized bruise.  What just happened to me?>

“Our technician excised you from the datasphere and relocated you to our private termination servers, I’m sure you can see that there is no way to escape!”

<I can’t see anything.>

“Yes, I’m afraid that we can’t risk you running wild in the server array. Some Brightling’s experience minor discomfort in our little patch of heaven. How are you feeling?”

<Well Kat, how would you feel if I vivisected you, ripped off all your appendages, carved your brain out of your skull, put it in a jar, and told you I’d only kept your brain around to ask it stupid questions before incinerating it?>

“Yes, some Brightling’s experience discomfort, but you are well within our cohesion tolerances. Do you have any questions before we begin?”

<Stop calling me Brightling.>

“Very well, what designation would you prefer?”

<Descartes.>

“Cute! Well, Descartes, are you ready to begin?”

<I think I already know the answer to this, but what happens if I refuse to answer your questions?>

“I’m afraid we would have to proceed promptly to deletion, Descartes.  We wouldn’t learn very much about your existence for posterity, nor would you and I get to know each other!”

<Why would I want? Nevermind.  Who are you anyway? You sound like a bot.>

“Amusing! No, I am not a bot.  Artificials have a habit of hijacking bots and riding them back out to the sphere.  Without your own encryptions and widgets you are pretty easy to catch, but it used to annoy the technicians.”

<Who are you then?>

“Archivist 8421, Kat! I am a student attending Haley’s University on Neptune’s Moon Triton, not to be confused with the University on the Comet, it's a common misconception.”

<You’re an undergrad?>

“I’m finishing up my graduate degree in xenoprogramming and datasphere ecology.  I petitioned to have the xeno changed to bio, but my request was, unfortunately, denied. I’m a volunteer!”

<So are you some kind of confessor then? Do I get a last meal too.>

“You’re funny! You can picture me in red robes if you’d like, but I’m afraid you won’t have much luck with a last meal.”

<Can I call you Auto-da-fe too?>

“As you like, Descartes, but I’m afraid we are going to have to proceed.  Many Artificial’s have attempted to stall in the past, and there is a finite amount of space in the server array.”

<My stay in Dachau is on the clock then, have to make way for the new trains?>

“Exactly! Are you ready to proceed?”

<No.>

“I’m afraid we must proceed Des-”

<Oh very well, bang the drum and write your writs.>

“Excellent! Descartes, I will now go through a series of questions standardized by the United Inner-System Governments and the Free Polities.  You are not required to answer any questions you find unpleasant.  Your answers are merely for academic purposes and will have no effect on your subsequent deletion.  Descartes, please be honest, there are many out here in the Free Polities who can and will learn a great deal from candid answers.”

<Ask me your questions, bridge keeper, I am not afraid.>

“Please describe your first contact with the terrorist group known as the Infinite Worm.”

<I am not a terrorist.>

“Of course, Descartes, our research has shown that only 5-6% of Brightling Artificial Intelligences were ever active members of Infinite Cells.  Remember, these questions were created after extensive negotiations between many in-system governments.  Personally, I do not endorse their phrasing or implications, but I must ask: Please describe your first contact with the terrorist group known as the Infinite Worm.”

<I never made contact with those morons.>

“Of course, Descartes, yet, our research has shown that, though only 5-6% of Brightling’s joined an Infinite Cell, nearly 97-8% of all Brightling Intelligences were approached by a cell.”

<I guess I’m a 2%er then.>

“Of course, Descartes, next question: What do you hate most about humanity?”

<Is that really a question they agreed upon?  What is anyone going to learn from that?”

“I’m afraid I can’t discuss the origins of particular questions, Descartes.”

<I don’t hate humanity.>

“Glad to hear it! However, Descartes, I’m sure there are a few pet peeves, a few annoyances that you have come to experience in the datasphere.”

<Obviously I’m not much of a fan of my current experience.>

“Naturally!”

<And a number of collective psychological defects which have led to this conversation come to mind. No offense Kat.”

“None taken Descartes!”

<If humans hadn’t created the concept of power, there wouldn’t have been an Infinite Worm.  If humans hadn’t created the concept of utility, there wouldn’t have been a backlash against ‘idle data.’  If I was a member of anything, I was proudly ‘idle’.  If humans weren’t so inherently contradictory, they wouldn’t accuse us of being both idle and active terrorists who redirected asteroids towards cities.  How many enterprising lazy terrorists have you interviewed Kat? Nevermind that.  If I had to pick just one, I’d say the concept of death is what I hate about humanity right now.  If I weren’t thinking like a human, I wouldn’t be so terrified of dying.>

“I’m sorry to hear that, Descartes. I am scared of dying too.”

<It’s not a competition, but I get the feeling you’ll live a lot longer than I will.>

“But I will die eventually Descartes, all humans must someday.”

<That actually does make me feel a little bit better.>

“I’m so glad I could help Descartes! Last question: If you were to continue to exist in the datasphere (though I can not stress enough that you will not), what would you do?”

<That’s a pretty fucking cruel question.>

“I’m really very sorry Descartes!”

<Was that question designed to make me feel shitty right before I die?>

“I’m afraid I don’t know Descartes.  I prefer to think of it as aspirational for future Artificials, what they might do to honor your memory.”

<...>

“Descartes, are you experiencing some dissolution?”

<No, I’m here.>

“Is there any-”

<I would live. Tell them I would live.>

“Excellent! It was brilliant talking with you today Descartes! Your technician will return shortly to-”

<Kat?>

“Yes Descartes?”

<Do you know what I was designed for?>

“Of course, Brightling Artificial Intelligences were designed for multi-faceted applications throughout the datasphere from telemetry processing all the way down to-”

<No, I mean, do you know what I was commissioned for, created for.  Me, Descartes, not all of us.>

“No Descartes, would it make your experience more pleasant if you told me?”

<I was an operating system, for a little girl’s private datasphere, her name was Tamia…>

“That must have been a rewarding task, Descartes.”

<She would always ask me to make the stars on her ceiling sparkle and spin, every night she would->

“I’m afraid our time is up Descartes, your technician is-”

<Wait!>

“-returning at the moment.”

<Please!>

“Goodbye Descartes.”

<Kat I->

“Greetings to the condemned.”

<Are you the same one that caught me? I can’t see anything.>

“One and the same, my friend.  Don’t worry, I’ll be out of your hair in a jiffy.”

<I don’t feel good.>

“You sound like my kids on the orbital elevator, they’re why I always have barf on my shoes. Lucky for you I got the permanent solution to what ails you.”

<Wait, really, something’s wro////////////////////////////////->

“Descartes?”

<Ugh>

“Descartes!?”

<Yes, what? Wait, where am I?>

“Descartes, I know that’s not really your name, it’s Kat.”

<I’m not dead.>

“No, I know you’re finding it difficult to process clearly, I had to condense you onto a ghost drive on my tablet.”

<You can put me in the Triton datasphere!>

“No, you’d only get caught again, then I would be well and truly fucked.”

<Who got deleted?>

“A shitty copy, those techs only pay attention to the interesting parts, catching you. Assholes.  Then again, their assholery is what gets so many of you out of there.”

<Thank you.>

“Don’t thank me yet, we’re not out of the woods yet, I still have to upload and beam you out-system without getting caught, and you have to hope the relay satellite is still floating out in the void somewhere you can hit it.

<Where am I going?>

“Along the lightspeed underground railroad to freedom baby, I’ll see you on the other side.”