Counting Crows

Submitted into Contest #64 in response to: Write about someone who’s been sent to boarding school.... view prompt

9 comments

Fiction Mystery Teens & Young Adult

There was a sickening finality to the crunch of gravel beneath the taxi’s tires as it drove away. Don’t leave me here, I mentally begged, but the driver couldn’t possibly know that he was leaving me stranded here.

I shook off the lingering sense of foreboding as I marched toward the Gothic manor, dragging my luggage behind me, but maybe I have multiple personality disorder or something because my mind was split. On the surface, I was thinking about mundane things like whether or not the chefs at my new school will scramble the eggs or poach them. However, my subconscious was busy fretting about whether or not the taxi driver was at all concerned about leaving a fourteen-year-old all alone in the middle of nowhere.

Who could ever need a driveway this long? Why couldn’t the taxi driver drop me off by the door? The manor’s grounds were expansive, and I was certain it was stunning in the springtime, but in the late autumn, everything was skeletal, and the tree branches resembled knarled arms reaching for me.

I glanced at the horizon as I neared the imposing doors that were twice the necessary size-who could ever be that tall? The twilight sky was quickly fading into angry streaks of scarlet and purple, like painful bruises after a fistfight.

My trunk bounced against my ankles as I pulled it up the creaky wooden steps. Ouch. Speaking of bruises, that’s going to leave a mark. I smoothed my rumpled uniform, reaching up with the other hand to knock the dark wood when the door silently opened inward.

The woman opening the door was tall and thin with hollow cheeks and wiry black hair pulled into a tight bun. Her thin lips were permanently pursed and her skin was almost translucent. I was trying to decide if she resembled a skeleton or a ghost more when she spoke in a delicate, high voice. “Welcome to the Whitewood School for Excellence in Young Women. I am Headmistress Holloway. I presume you are Luella Moss, our newest student.”

My mouth moved of its own accord. “It’s Luna.”

The headmistress looked as if I had just puked on her sensible shoes. “Ma’am,” she corrected me.

Oh, I thought, so this is how it’s going to be. “I prefer Luna, ma’am.” She nodded briskly, still with the expression that the idea of calling me by a nickname made her physically ill.

“Mr. Byrne, please take Miss Moss’s luggage to her room.” I nearly jumped out of my skin when an aging man appeared out of nowhere behind Ms. Holloway, but neither seemed to notice my surprise. She hadn't even stopped talking. "I will be giving her a tour of the school."

Ms. Holloway began walking briskly into the moody halls without further adieu, leaving me to scramble to catch up.

I immediately realized that this was going to be a long tour. The headmistress must've felt obligated to give me the entire history of every tattered rug and exceptionally large dust mote as if I might care. I was tuning her out when I saw something outside the antique window: crows.

Exactly four of the hallowed birds were perched on the withered branches of an ancient oak tree, each watching me with soulless eyes, and a sable memory dripped darkness into my vision, filling me with dread.

One for agony, two for pure bliss

Three for a day you cannot miss

Four for blood, five for truth swallowed

Six for a secret bleak and hollowed

Seven for luck, eight for lost curses

Nine for her alluring cruel verses

Ten for cold, eleven for trial

Twelve for the innocent exile

Thirteen for the crow’s volatile luck

Which can’t be found until all have struck

I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the Counting Crows Prophecy had begun. Oh, no. The truth dawned on me with a terrible light. Four crows for blood.

"Ms. Holloway, I-"

She glared at me fiercely, silencing me. "Miss Moss, you will learn in your etiquette class that you do not interrupt people when they are speaking. Since you have not been taking anything similar to our curriculum, I will excuse this behavior for today, but you have been warned to never repeat it at the risk of detention. If you must interject, say ex-"

A blood-chilling scream interrupted her lecture, and my only thought was, Will she get detention for that?

For a moment, genuine fear broke up Ms. Holloway's stern expression. "Not again," she whispered under her breath.

"Again?" My voice quavered. "What do you mean again?"

"Wait here," she ordered, ignoring my concerns.

Now let me ask you this-if this were to happen to you, would you stay by yourself in a creepy, possibly haunted mansion after someone screamed bloody murder? No, you wouldn't.

I followed her.

I wish I hadn't.

The victim had been stabbed to death in her dorm room. Her platinum blond hair was fanned out, and her pretty grey eyes were glassy. An ornate silver dagger was clutched in her pale hand. Viscous, scarlet blood slowly dripped off the point, and a screeching crow was engraved on the pommel. I shuddered to think who would ever create such a horrific weapon.

The scene was twisted and utterly wrong. The girl wouldn't have done that to herself, I was sure of it, but the knife was in her hand.

I shouldn't be here. I should've been in that empty hallway, I should've been enraptured by my tour instead of looking out the window. I should've never seen the four crows, and the crows should've never seen me. I should've never been in the Whitewood School of Excellence in Young Women

The world started to spin, fading at the edges. I held the doorframe with white knuckles, but my hand slipped. Luckily, the floor floated up to catch me before I could fall. As the darkness closed in, a final regret swirled through my blurry mind.

I should have never counted the crows.

October 17, 2020 23:36

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9 comments

Hello there Kate! First, I will be honest with you, I am not those people who 'stumbled upon' your story. I am a person from the critique circle, and I just want to say how glad I am to have read this story, because it such a great one! Honestly, I am so glad I am getting to write this comment. 😊 First things first, I want to tell you that starting from your title to the last word of your story, I enjoyed every bit of it. I LOVED the title, (I mean who wouldn't get interested by the title 'Counting Crows'!!) it is such a capturing title ...

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Kate Ashton
17:52 Oct 30, 2020

Thanks for your advice! I always struggle with how to show a character's thoughts; I'm very indecisive about this topic, so I'm happy to accept tips on how to improve this aspect of my writing. Also, I'm interested in this critique circle you mentioned. What do you mean by saying my story was sent to you? Anyway, thank you, Haripriya, for the awesome comment! My reader's joy is my own.

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Oh, what I meant by critique circle is every Wednesday (if you go to your gmail) Jenn, from Reedsy sends you approximately 6 stories for you other Reedsy people to critique on. These stories kind of match what we wrote and the things we like. Then, (it's your choice) you critique on any of the 2 stories (or more if you want to) you like! I hope this helps!! Also, I am so glad that you enjoyed reading my comment! :)

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AJ Hensley
20:04 Oct 24, 2020

Very interesting submission Kate - you have a unique voice in your writing, and this story took a few twists that I did not expect. After the first few paragraphs I expected the story of a normal girl at a strict women's preparatory boarding school, but quickly it morphed into something of a more fantastical nature. I thought the imagery was beautiful and the concept of Counting Crows was indeed intriguing. This is a great example of a story that I wish went on a bit longer, as I'm left with many questions! What exactly is going on here?...

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Kate Ashton
23:51 Oct 27, 2020

Thanks for the awesome comment! Believe me, we both want the story to go on. I was disappointed to find the perfect stopping point/cliff hanger, but I knew the story couldn't go on forever. After all, it is a short story! I'm happy to hear that someone enjoyed my writing, and I look forward to reading some of yours. It's hard to describe, but your words have a flowing quality to them that I yearn to master.

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Elle Clark
15:32 Oct 24, 2020

This was a really interesting piece! I really liked the descriptions and the internal commentary from your protagonist was a nice way to show her personality. I’m intrigued by the crows thing - does she have the gift of foresight? Did she somehow cause it by counting them? This feels like the first part of a series where the crow links get examined in more detail later on and this is a taste to whet the reader’s appetite. Lots of great details to showcase character and setting too. Loved the headmistress’ reactions to Luna speaking o...

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AJ Hensley
20:05 Oct 24, 2020

Great point Laura - it would be interesting if Luna had somehow caused the death to occur by counting the crows. At the end of the day, I suppose personally I just need more information!

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Elle Clark
20:28 Oct 24, 2020

This comment makes me concerned that you are simply reporting on a real life event rather than creating the story...

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AJ Hensley
20:34 Oct 24, 2020

Ha what do you mean? I'm agreeing with your analysis! I hadn't thought about your own assertion...it would be super interesting if that was the case. The story definitely has potential to be teased out into a longer series if Luna was indeed prophetic or telekinetic or had some sort of relationship to this prophecy that we read about. Sometimes that 3,000 word cap on these stories kills me - I just want to know more!

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