Together

I sat bolt upright in bed, my chest heaving up and down heavily as I gasped for air. I clutched the sheets with clammy hands until I realized where I was. Safe, in my bedroom. It had been another nightmare. I laid back down on my pillow, which was slightly damp with sweat. I reached over to my bedside table, accidentally knocking a few things over as I reached for my pill bottle. I winced, hoping the noise hadn’t woken my parents in the next room. I shook out a pill into my palm, swallowing it dry. I laid back down and watched as the ceiling fan turned in lazy circles above me as I waited for it to kick in. It’d be another restless night, I could only hope my anti-anxiety meds would make me drowsy enough to doze off. Though usually, they didn’t. It’d be another night in a long line of many where Allison flooded my thoughts. Like she had consistently for the past year. 

When my alarm went off, I had slept maybe four hours max. I dragged myself out of bed, rubbing my eyes. I made it to my closet, pulling on a pair of tan breeches and a navy blue polo. I pulled my blonde hair up into a ponytail and headed downstairs. My mom was making breakfast while my father sat at the table on his laptop. He looked older, since everything that had happened. My mother turned to me as I entered the room.

“Morning Margo.” She offered a worn smile. Her eyes scanned my outfit. “Heading to the barn? This early?”

I nodded. “I have a lesson. Eight was the only time Matt had available. Trying to get as much practice as I can before the show.” 

My father looked up from his laptop. “Be careful.” He said. It sounded more like a warning than a well wish. I just nodded in response as I grabbed my car keys off the counter. My eyes caught on the photo on the wall- Allison aboard “Lake Effect”, jumping in perfect form over a nice-sized fence at Thunderpark. I allowed myself only a moment to look at it before slipping out the door and out to my car. 

As I pulled into the driveway of Blue Pine Stables, I immediately spotted two horses in the left front field. Incognito, my former competition horse, who I’d recently advanced from as I began jumping larger fences. Grazing besides him was a tall, solidly built gelding. His coat was white, with dark grey dapples throughout. Lake Effect. He was the type of horse that had a real presence, both on the ground and under saddle. He had a big, powerful stride and jump. He demanded attention anywhere he went. He’d won the Equitation classes at Thunderpark Horse Show with Allison nearly every summer without fail. I parked, and entered the barn, pulling out all my tack and brushes. I set down my saddle and bridle before walking towards the field, halter and lead in hand to retrieve my horse. Incognito lifted his head and offered a whinny of recognition, and I felt a pang of guilt that he wasn’t my ride today. I approached Lake Effect, slipping on his halter to lead him to the barn. He seemed indifferent to my presence as I led him inside, and tacked him. After all, I wasn’t Allison.

I led him to the indoor arena, where my trainer Matt was setting up jumps. I mounted and began to warm up as I awaited instruction. Matt finished setting up the last fence before turning to me,

“Alright, Margo. We’re schooling three feet, six inches today. That's your competition height for the show this weekend.” He nodded, adjusting his ball cap.

I eyed the jumps warily, but tried not to let my nervousness show. After a thorough warm up, we started the jumping portion of the lesson. I’d be showing in the equitation this weekend. The equitation was a subjective class based off my position in the saddle and over fences. I had to be perfect; quiet seat, soft hands, engaged core, solid leg and low heels. And I had to be there for my horse as well, I had to judge the distance to each fence. If we took off from the ground too close or too far from the jump, we’d knock a rail and be penalized. There was an enormous amount of trust and skill required on both ends. I had to be there for him, and trust he’d take care of me. And he needed to trust me enough to listen to my aides and cues so he could preform to the best of his ability. It was a delicate partnership. And I wasn’t quite sure I’d developed that with Lake Effect, he’d only been my horse for under a year.

“Alright, lets get started.” Matt called from the center of the arena. I listened to him describe the course, and the order in which each fence was to be jumped. I nodded affirmatively before sending Lake Effect into a canter, sliding my right leg back every so slightly to cue it. He was strong over the first two jumps. I gripped the reins tightly, trying to slow him as I turned my head to look at the next jump. He tossed his head, clearly aggravated by how I was pulling on the reins. I couldn’t find a distance to the next jump, and Lake Effect took off over the fence from several feet away. I got jostled in the saddle, landing on his neck. I could feel myself panicking as I scrambled to stay on him and not tumble six feet down to the ground below me.

“Sit up! Sit up!” Matt was yelling. Eventually, I got myself back up into the saddle. I slowed him to a walk, and could see Matt shaking his head.

“Margo, you have to stop pulling on his mouth like that. We’ve been over this. He’s getting fussy and then the whole course gets messy.”

I just nodded. “I know. I’m sorry.” I cleared my throat, trying again to hide my frustration. 

“Dont apologize to me. Apologize to your horse. You have to be there for him. Start over, lets try this again.”

We jumped the course a few more times, making it around decently, but not to the best of either of our abilities. As the hour came to an end Matt sighed and said. “Alright, cool him out. We’ll keep working over the next week before we leave for Thunderpark.”

I left the arena, feeling defeated and frustrated. I desperately wanted to win at Thunderpark, and it seemed futile. I removed my saddle and brushed him off, removing the dried sweat from his coat. I watched his expression carefully. He looked how I felt. Immediately, I could feel doubt rising in me again. Maybe this horse was too much for me. Allison had always been able to handle him, but she was the stronger rider between the two of us. 

When I got home, I avoided my parents. I stayed up in my room, watching a few jumping rounds of myself on Incognito from last year that were downloaded on my computer. As I sifted through them, a video of Allison and Lake Effect popped up. Hesitantly, I clicked play, and watched their course. Lake Effect cruised around the arena, ears up, happy and relaxed. Allison was at the top of her game, finding every distance easily. Her position was textbook as they sailed from one jump to another. After the video ended, I tried to find more on my computer to no avail. I opened my internet browser, typing in “Allison Michaels Thunderpark Equitation on Lake Effect.” As the result popped up I immediately regretted my search. Multiple articles came up, all with similar titles. “Talented Junior Rider Killed In Freak Jumping Accident.”

I slammed my laptop shut, my eyes stinging with tears that threatened to spill over. I pushed away the laptop, laying on my side. I reached for my medication and forced myself to think of anything else for the rest of the night.

The next day I was back at the barn, trying again to get around a jump course on Lake Effect. Despite my efforts, we were botching our distances. Lake Effect was getting so frustrated he kicked out at the air, knocking me off balance.

“Knock it off!” I snapped at him, trying to pull his head up and keep him from trying to toss me. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a lady standing in the doorway of the arena. I felt embarrassed, unaware anyone had been watching the train-wreck of a ride I was having.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you.” She said. “I just couldn’t help but notice that horse of yours. He’s beautiful.” 

“Thanks.” I said flatly, bringing him down to a walk. I didn’t recognize the woman, I’d never seen her at the stables before.

“Is that Lake Effect?” She asked. “I’ve seen him at a few shows last year. He’s quite the athlete. Is he yours?”

I didn’t quite know how to answer that. “Yeah…well, he’s my sisters.”

The woman’s brown eyes softened. “Ah.” She nodded. “I heard about Allison. I’m so sorry. It must be nice to still have a piece of her with you, though.”

I looked at her, clearly confused by her comment and she clarified. “Her horse, I mean. They were quite the duo. You’re lucky to have him.”

“I’m not so sure he feels the same.” The words spilled out of my mouth, the frustration in my voice evident despite my efforts to hide it.

“Hmm…” She said, she came through the gate, approaching us. “Do you mind?” She asked and I shook my head, even though I was unsure of what she was asking for. She reached out and stroked Lake Effect’s muscular neck. Then his face. “He’s fairly tense.” She commented.

I felt the need to get defensive. “Well, we’re still getting used to each other.”

She looked up at me. “I’m sure you are. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. What have you been doing to bond with him?”

I looked at her, confused again. “Bond?”

She nodded. “You know. Get to know one another.”

“Well, I take lessons with him several times a week. We’re training for Thunderpark…” I trailed off, unsure what else she was expected me to say.

“Ah.” She nodded again, smiling as she stroked his neck. She looked back up to me. “I’m sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Carolyn Meyers, I’m here helping a boarder here with one of her horses. I work with problem horses. My job is to try to figure out whats bothering them and help the owner to understand and resolve it.”

“Margo.” I introduced myself. “So, like a horse whisperer?” I asked skeptically. I’d heard of people like her before. They were the strange sector of riders who ran around with their horses at liberty like they were dogs. Teaching them silly tricks like how to bow and smile. They weren’t real, serious competitors-like myself-and the equestrians I knew.

“No. Not exactly. I just try to help horse and rider understand each other.” Carolyn explained. “You know, I have a free hour now. If you’d like, I’d love to give you a hand. It’ll save me from sitting around waiting for my next client.”

I frowned, wanting to say no. But I looked down at Lake Effect’s neck. Even just standing still, his muscles were tight and his ears were pinned back. He was clearly unhappy. I hesitated, biting my lip before saying. “Okay…well, what did you have in mind?” 

Carolyn stepped back and looked Lake Effect over for a moment. “Well, how about you try to go around the course again and we’ll take it from there.”

I took in a deep breath. Despite being a seasoned competitor, riding in front of new people set me on edge. I took a moment to collect myself and sent him forward. The ride went about the same as it had earlier. He fought me the entire way. Halfway through the course, Carolyn stopped us. 

“Okay, thats enough. I want to try something, can you hop off?” 

I wasn’t sure why she wanted me to, but I was so frustrated I wanted any reason to get off. I dismounted and she started removing my saddle and the rest of the tack. Sensing his newfound freedom, Lake Effect took off across the arena away from us. 

“Okay, now we have to get him to come to you.” Carolyn said. “He needs to feel safe with you, view you as a leader and someone to respect and rely on.”

“How do I do that?” I asked, frowning as I watched him standing in the far corner with his back turned to us.

“Get after him, make him move his feet. Then when you feel he’s ready, back off and see if he’ll join up with you.” Carolyn explained simply. “Go after him now, send him out.”

I sighed, shrugging and moving towards him. I started waving my arms and clucking at him. “Go on, get up!”

Lake Effect’s head shot up in the air and he took off galloping around the arena. I jogged after him, keeping him moving. I almost backed off, unsure of what I was doing.

“Keep going!” Carolyn called, and I listened, continuing to keep him moving.

“Alright, now stop. Turn your back to him.” 

I stopped the chase, slightly out of breath from pushing him on. He stopped too, chewing unsurely as he watched me. Slowly I turned my back to him, and waited. A good five minutes went by and there was nothing. I could feel the frustration building again.

“Patience.” Carolyn warned as she watched us. “There!”

I heard his heavy hooves moving through the arena sand towards me. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw Lake Effect approaching. He stopped with his muzzle right behind me, I could hear his breathing and feel his warm breath on the back of my neck. I grinned, turning and petting his face.

“Hey.” I said softly. He’d never approached me on his own before. 

“Now walk away, and let him follow.” Carolyn instructed.

I took a few steps forward, hearing him behind me. I could feel my eyes welling up as I walked all over the arena, stopping and changing direction. Lake Effect was with me every step of the way. I turned to Carolyn.

“This is incredible.” I told her. “I’ve never seen him like this. Not with anyone except for Ally.” My voice broke as I said her name.

Carolyn smiled warmly. “One groundwork session won’t be enough to fix all your issues. But it’ll help. You need to spend more time with him without the constant pressure of preparing for competition. Come spend some time at the barn with him outside of training, just brush him or bring some treats. Maybe then you won’t both be so tense.”

I nodded. “I can do that.” I told her, petting his thick neck and he hung his head in relaxation. 

“And you know, all that pain that you’re feeling, he is too.” Carolyn said softly, carefully. “You both lost someone incredibly special to you. Thats some common ground right there.”

I sniffed and let out a gentle laugh as I wiped a few tears away. I never felt comfortable crying in front of anyone. Not even my own parents. But here, in this moment, I was so overcome with emotion. Carolyn placed a hand on my shoulder. “I’m glad I could help. I’ll see you at Thunderpark.” She gave Lake Effect a gentle pet before leaving the arena.

I spent the next few days training, but also taking time to spend with Lake Effect pressure-free. After my lessons, I’d usually go home for the day. Now, I came back every evening to spend time with Lake Effect and Incognito. At home, I researched more trust and respect building exercises and began to implement those daily with him. By Saturday night, I felt my relationship with Lake Effect had truly improved. We could both still become tense jumping, and I knew that would take time to change, but I no longer felt unworthy or like I was failing him. Or Allison.

My alarm went off at four in the morning on Sunday, the day of Thunderpark. My parents and I headed to the barn. Matt had loaded all the horses competing for the day on the trailer and we made the drive to the Thunderpark Horse Show grounds. Once we were there, I had time to warm up. Lake Effect has been bathed the night before, his coat was brilliant white and free of stains. His mane and tail were both neatly braided. We practiced over a few jumps with Matt instructing us. I was nervous, but Lake Effect was unwavering in his bravery. He carried me to each jump like the seasoned professional he was. No fighting, no hesitation. And that caused a sense of security to wash over me. He was changing my perspective, and my attitude towards everything regarding riding. During the jumping phase of the show, rider after rider entered the arena. I watched from the sideline aboard Lake Effect as it was getting closer to my turn. I stood at the in-gate while Matt stood besides me, going over the course one last time. I heard my name come over the loud speaker. “Our next rider is number 412, Margo Michaels riding Lake Effect.” 

I reached forward, stroking Lake Effect’s neck as his ears turned forward. “Okay Lake Effect. This one is for Allison.” I told him before we stepped forward, bolding entering the arena, together.