LEAF BLOWER CANTATA

ACT I

-Scene 1-

SETTING: A small neighborhood cafe.

AT RISE: SAMMY, 30's, is seated at the central table.

BEN, 30's, agitated, enters.

BEN

You won't believe it. I am so fed up to here.

SAMMY

You're late.

BEN

I know. Where's David?

SAMMY

I don't know. He's late too. Have a seat.

BEN

          (Moves about)

I'm going to file a lawsuit. They are a plague!

SAMMY

Who?

BEN      

Leaf blowers! Don't you know what they are doing to this city?

SAMMY

Leaf blowers?

BEN

They kick up dust. They're noisy as hell. They're everywhere. I think they travel in packs.

SAMMY

           (Signals to BEN to lower his volume)

You mean the gardeners? Sit.

(BEN sits.)

BEN

That's what they want you to think. But they just blow crap around and foul the air with their noise and dust.

SAMMY

They get rid of the dead leaves and...

BEN

They just blow it from one yard to another until it gets to someone who isn't paying them.

SAMMY

No, they don't.

BEN

What, you think they blow it all off the edge of the earth? Einstein proved that matter cannot be destroyed, you know.

SAMMY

They collect it into a pile and then pick it up.

BEN

You are so naive. It's all part of their plan. 'Wow, Mr. Jones... looks like you have a leaf problem. Look at all this crap in your yard. And no trees. Go figure. You should hire me to handle it for you.'

SAMMY

Whatever.

(SAMMY signals the waiter for coffee.)

BEN

I parked my car. Freshly washed... This leaf-blower guy blows - between the cars, for God's sake! Then, he starts blowing the cars! There are no leaves on the cars!

SAMMY

He's getting rid of the dust he kicked up.

BEN

Einstein, my friend. He's not getting rid of it. He's just rearranging it. If they had a vacuum on their back, that would make sense.

SAMMY

I wish one would go under our bed. I found a dust bunny the other day that must've weighed a pound.

BEN

I signal him, just wave him back, to stay away from my car. You'd think I threatened him with an uzi… He's a menace.

(WAITER approaches.) 

WAITER

Do you want menus?

SAMMY

I know what I want. But we're waiting for someone.

WAITER

The other guy?

SAMMY

Yeah, him. Just coffee now.

BEN

Coffee.

WAITER

He's always late.

(WAITER exits.)

SAMMY

What's his problem?

BEN

He's right, you know. David is always late.

SAMMY

          (Checks his watch)

Where's David?

BEN

He could be making tips and we’re camping out.

SAMMY

We’re regulars... We have rights.

BEN

He didn't call?

SAMMY

He didn't call.

BEN

(Whispers)

The leaf blowers got him.

(DAVID enters and approaches. He catches WAITER's eye and gestures for coffee.)

SAMMY

Here he is.

DAVID

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

BEN

About to send out a search party.

DAVID

That would have helped… I'm lost.

SAMMY

What's wrong?

DAVID

My career is over.

(WAITER approaches, pours them each water and coffee. WAITER exits.)

BEN

What?

DAVID

I can't write any more.

SAMMY

What about that new client you told me about? You said he wants you to compose for that HBO series.

DAVID

Oh, I have work. But my brain is frozen. I can't think! I haven't written a note in days.

BEN

That's not like you. What are you talking about?

DAVID

           (Tries to gather his thoughts)

A couple days ago I had lunch with this guy I met… I hardly know him. I feel set up. He's a fiend!

SAMMY

What did he do?

DAVID

That's it! I was set up. By... who…? I know… It was that guy who harpooned my job with Nickelodeon... What was his name?

SAMMY

Slow down. You had lunch. Probably indigestion.

DAVID

No. It's much worse than that… It's...Jason! That's the guy!

SAMMY

You were having lunch…?

DAVID

Right. We were eating and having a light conversation. And then he asks, very casually, if he can share a theory he has. What a schemer!

SAMMY

So?

DAVID

So? So, what…? So, now my life is ruined.

SAMMY

David… Calm down. It's just a writer's block. Happens to the best. Pull back. Play some music and come at things from a fresh perspective.

DAVID

You don't understand. This... ‘theory.’ This travesty changed everything. I can't un-know what I know.

BEN

So, what's the theory?

(WAITER approaches.)

WAITER

Are you ready? What will we have today?

DAVID

I can't eat.

SAMMY

I'll have the usual.

WAITER

Sunny side up?

SAMMY

Right.

BEN

You have to eat, David.

DAVID

I can't. Haven’t had anything since that horrible lunch.

SAMMY

That's part of the problem.

DAVID

I can't… I feel sick. I'm not hungry.

BEN

(to WAITER)

Well, I'm starved. Give me two orders of your number three combo. Separate plates. And make the hash browns medium well. I like them brown. And wheat toast. Lots of butter…

DAVID

Sour-dough.

BEN

Make one of them sour-dough.

DAVID

And juice.

BEN

One large orange juice.

WAITER

Anything else?

DAVID

(to BEN)

Fruit instead of hash browns?

WAITER

Of course.

BEN

But not too much pineapple. I hate pineapple.

WAITER

Hold the pineapple.

SAMMY

Who doesn't like pineapple?

BEN

David...

WAITER

So, we've got one regular special, sunny side up. And two, number three combos. One with medium-well hash browns and wheat toast. The other with fruitm but no pineapple, no hash browns, sour-dough toast. One large orange juice.

SAMMY

Sounds right.

WAITER

More coffee?

DAVID

Please.

BEN

And also… a short stack of pancakes on the side, please.

DAVID

Me too.

BEN

That was for you.

DAVID

Oh. Okay. No pancakes for me then.

WAITER

No pancakes?

BEN

Just the short stack I ordered.

WAITER

The ones he doesn't want.

(DAVID nods)

BEN

Right.

WAITER              

Coming right up.

(WAITER exits.)

SAMMY

Where were we?

BEN

The theory.

DAVID

Are you ready?

      (They nod)

This idiot says we are running out of notes.

BEN

What?

SAMMY

Ridiculous!

DAVID

That's what I thought… But he has a point.

SAMMY

Stop it, David. There’s an endless supply of notes.

DAVID

No, really. Listen. He said that in a given measure of time, eight bars say, and within a standard scale... whatever the scale, there is a finite number of combinations.

BEN

But wait.

DAVID

And a smaller number of pleasing combinations…

SAMMY

Still huge…

DAVID

…And we have reached the limit of those combinations! Everything after that's either discordant or derivative. The sad reality of it has been sinking in ever since.

BEN

Okay, but the key is 'pleasing combinations'. Styles go in and out...

DAVID

Of course. But that begs the question.

SAMMY

How?

DAVID

Everyone loves the standards, the great music of the thirties and forties.

SAMMY                                                                              

Of course.

DAVID

You could say tastes change. You could say they ran out of that style of melody. Or...they ran out of notes!

SAMMY

You could.

DAVID

When Paul McCartney wrote songs mindful of English Music Hall, it’s because they fit in that style. Everyone knew he was writing in ‘that style.’

BEN

Okay…

DAVID

Affectionate, but derivative.

SAMMY

Sure.

DAVID

By the sixties, the style had changed. It was rock's golden age, but a short lived one. That ran out pretty quickly.

BEN

But what great music that was. You remember the Chiffons?

DAVID

The eighties ‘New Wave’ tried to mix it up, but they painted themselves into a stylistic corner. Same with jazz.

SAMMY

I see where you're going… Now we have rap.

DAVID

Yes…! See what I mean? Now the only thing melodic is digital sampling from those earlier styles… I was born too late. It's bankrupt.

BEN

But wait. You just have to string notes together in a 'pleasing combination'. Right?

DAVID

Right, Ben. That's all I have to do.

BEN

Well, let me try... 

(BEN hums a few bars apparently randomly, but actually, is the first line of Dan

Fogelberg's "Same Old Lang Syne".)

SAMMY

Dan Fogelberg.

DAVID

By way of Tchaikovsky's "1812".

BEN

How about...

(Ben hums another 'random' melody that's actually the Chiffon's "He's so Fine".)

DAVID

Uhm...George Harrison...? Give it up. This is too painful. It's all a fading dream.

SAMMY

It can't be as bad as you think.

DAVID

Every time I play a new melody, I realize it's an echo of another song.

SAMMY

They say imitation is the sincerest form...

DAVID

You don't get it… This isn't just about me. If it’s true, and I think it is, the whole culture could be on the verge of collapse.

BEN

Like with the leaf blowers! It's all coming together...

SAMMY

Not now, Ben...

DAVID

Maybe this is what happened to the Mayans… Or the French!

BEN

(Pulls his water glass toward himself)

This is my-an. 

SAMMY

(Pushes his water glass toward BEN.)

And this is urine.

DAVID

         (Despairing)

What can I do?

SAMMY

Take a week. Leave town. Clear your head.

BEN

Get ahead of the wave, David. Invent the new style.

DAVID

How do I do that?

BEN

Oh, my God! It just came to me.

DAVID

What?

BEN

Bagpipes!

(DAVID looks at BEN and SAMMY in silence, for a long time.)

(BEN looks at SAMMY, who shrugs)

BEN

David?

SAMMY

David?

(Nodding, DAVID settles back in his chair and smiles.)

(BLACK OUT)

(The End)