Amidst the Cold

White flecks fluttered to earth from puffy clouds. It was snowing... I had hoped for rain. Why couldn’t the sky be a foggy grey like my mood? I needed the rhythmic drops of a thunderstorm on a day like this. Maybe even with occasional rumbles of distant thunder adding to the natural Lo-fi of the rain. Yet the snow fell as if it was trapped in time; Soundless and slow, simply drifting past my view. I looked out over the railing. The buildings stood gloomily in the heavy haze of blank whiteness. Cars still roamed the streets, but they seemed so distant and altogether silent. 

Just silent. 

No wind blew, not even a gentle breeze. As if the city itself held its breath. 

“So much for fresh air,” I muttered. I inhaled the still air. At least it still smelled fresh. The cold should have helped, but any exposed skin was numb. The druggy numbness like a lucid dream only added to the marshland of my mind. I backed away from the edge and sat down on an odd little chair that was much too low for my liking. The pathetic chairs lined most of the rooftop terrace along with short little tables. I never understood restaurant aesthetics, nor did I ever want to. 

My hands gripped the armrests like a king on a throne. The cold metal stung my skin and sealed away any heat. A twisted sense of relief washed over me as the pain washed thoughts away like a sunray through a cloudy sky. Yet the clouds swarmed again and covered that ray of clarity. I shut my eyes, muttering a silent prayer.

“Is that you?” I opened my eyes slowly. A voice called my name. It sounded familiar and yet foreign like that of a friend I hadn’t seen in far too long. I looked up and felt my heart shatter. It was over in a moment, but yet a moment nonetheless. My breath halted and the dull ache in my heart pulsed to an unexpected stab of pain. Before me stood a long lost friend. The curls of her dark hair fell just past her shoulders like it always had. She looked at me with a mix of curiosity and mischief. 

“You’re here,” I managed to say and then words failed me. 

“Of course I am!” She said cheerily. “I wanted to see you, silly.” I wanted to stand, but I was stuck to the chair by my frozen hands and a new lack of confidence. If only her smile could melt the ice on my hands instead of my heart. As I sat unmoving, she decided to take a seat. As she walked, her crimson dress flowed like a rose in a summer’s breeze. I felt tears welling up and as they met the air they glossed over my vision. I shut my eyes trying to keep from crying. When I opened my eyes, her expression had changed a bit. Compassion and understanding is what I saw. I didn’t have to say a word nor could I even if I tried. 

“You’ve missed me that much?” My silence answered her question well enough. Lines of ice painted my face as the streams of tears met cold reality. She reached out and brushed a tear or two away. I clenched my teeth as I refused to let out a sob. 

“It’s ok,”  She smiled. “I’m here now.” So much I wanted to say, and yet I couldn’t find where to begin. I shook my head solemnly. She waited as I searched for what to say. I swore internally. I’m a poet, I’m supposed to be good with words! I swallowed my pride and tried to speak. As I opened my mouth, my mind went blank again. Try again.

“I didn’t get to say goodbye” I muttered. “You got sick and… you couldn’t breathe. I didn’t didn’t know if…” My voice broke as another sob dared exit me. I looked away as the tears flowed even greater than before. She placed her hand on mine. Her smile faded and her eyes saddened. Then I felt a drop hit my head. And another. And another. It had begun to rain. A breeze swept through pushing her hair in a dramatic fashion. If I didn’t say it now, I wouldn’t get another chance. 

“I never got to say… I love you” My face somehow remained frozen even with the heat that rushed through it. I let go of the chair and covered my face. The sob left me as I cried. A horrible moment passed as I let the emotions out. Then, carefully, she peeled away one of my hands and stared me in the eye.

“I know,” she said. 

Silence.

“I knew,” she said. 

The rain that fell had covered the terrace in a layer of ice. She stood up, still holding my hand. Confused, I stared at her. She laughed a bit. A good smile stretched across her face.

“Well come on, silly!” She said. “You might not have had a last goodbye, but you can make it up. Dance with me!”

“But the ice…” I said. She looked at the ice and then back at me. 

“Yes and?” 

“I can’t dance on ice.” I said. 

“I’ll keep you on your feet!” she said. “Don’t you want a final dance?” The words tore at my heart. She could never have known that. 

“How did you know?” I said.

“So that’s a yes?” She said. Mischief sparkled in her eyes.

“It’s quite cold.” I said. She glanced around in a mock surprise.

“So it is,” She said. “Dance with me?” 

“Am I dreaming?” I said.

“Well if you are, don’t wake up yet.” She said. 

I stood up. The ice cracking under my weight. I looked into her eyes and I felt the sadness begin to wash away. I inhaled deeply and took a step further onto the frozen surface. And there we were among the gloomy silent city, the rain pouring down and the wind frigid cold. With her hands in mine, we began to dance for one final time.