Guilt

“Julian are you in there?” Knocks on the door keeps banging outside. “How many times do I have to tell you? I’m not going!” I yelled. Soon after I hear the door creaks open slowly. The bed shifted to the heavier side while making a creaking sound. Warmly, a hand rests on my shoulder. I turn around to make a better look on her face. Worried and guilty, my twin that is.

“Julian-”

“No.” I say, cutting in before she could say another word. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to. My gaze turn towards the window by my bed. I can’t bear to look at her like that. It pains me every time she make that face. That guilty face.

“I can’t just show up without you. Everyone knows we’re twins…” the word ‘twins’ barely came out of her mouth, almost like whispering.

“Then don’t go too.” I say, turning my head towards her, trying to meet her eyes. But instead, she’s averting her eyes somewhere else. She’s feeling uneasy. She must have made a promise with her friends that she’d show up at the gathering. This is not good.

“Julian… please, just go to the school’s reunion for me? You can’t just keep avoiding them. I’m sure they’ve missed you. You have to face them, it wasn’t your fault to begin with.” She says with her eyes pleading like a puppy.

What happened that day…changed our lives.

***

“Julian! Hahaha” She laughed at me, wiping away a tear coming from her eyes. “God, that’s awful!” She exclaimed. I was telling her about how I pulled a prank on my homeroom teacher. “Enough with mine, tell me how was your day?” I said.

“My day huh? Hmm.. same thing as always. Nothing much happen.” She said, smiling like an idiot in front of me. However I felt like she was hiding something from me. We always do this. Telling each other about our days after school. It’s something we’ve been doing ever since we aren’t in the same class anymore. She would always talk about her group of friends. She said they always sit together during recess. Not that I’ve seen this ‘group of friends’ of her before but as long as she’s happy it’s none of my concern. Every time she talks about them, she always have this look on her face. She’d smile stupidly, giggles like a small girl but it’s always her eyes that bothers me. But I looked the other way, pretending to not notice.

***

“Happy Birthday Julian!” She wished me that morning. Right it’s our birthday.

“Happy Birthday to you too, you dimwit!” I wished back as I knocked her head slightly with a fist. We both giggled and talked about random stuff on our way to school. Right in front of the school gate, she took my hand and held it in her small fragile hand.

“You know, I think… I wouldn’t be able to go back home with you today.” She said, looking down at the tar. Fidgeting with her fingers on her other hand.

“Staying over at a friend’s house?” I asked. “Huh? Ah- yeah…” She seemed a bit flustered.

“So um- can you…” She continued.

“Goodbye?” It came out as a question rather than a statement. To my surprise she nodded. I laughed at her thinking she was being overly dramatic.

“Haha fine. Goodbye you dimwit, hmm what else? Oh-and take care on your little journey~” She let go of my hand and giggled. She smiled.

***

Classes went by smoothly that day. A few hours of classes and the student’s most favorite time came, recess. That day, I decided to take a nap instead of eating. I shouldn’t have done neither.

What’s that noise? It’s so loud and annoying. Wait this sound… I know what makes this loud siren, an ambulance or maybe a police car. I want to know what’s happening outside but I can’t move my body. I can’t even open my eyes. I’m too deep in my slumber to wake up. Right, let’s just sleep, I can just ask my friend what happened later…

“JULIAN! JULIAN!” I felt my body being shaken vigorously. It’s my friend.

“It’s your sister-” He was cut when an announcement is heard throughout the whole school.

“ATTENTION TO JULIAN WINSTON, PLEASE COME TO THE DEAN’S OFFICE IMMEDIATELY. I REPEAT, IMMEDIATELY.”

I noticed some of the students gasped and were looking at me. Their looks, it was as if they were scared. I could hear they were whispering something to themselves but I couldn’t make the words. What happened?

A hand grabbed my shoulder and it pulled me back to reality. I’m breathing heavily, desperate for air. My thumping heart feel like it’s in the brink of bursting. I bring my sweaty hand to my forehead just to find more sweats. I shuffle on the bed to sit up straight. I walk to my desk and pull the top right drawer. A piece of slightly crumpled paper and a worn out book. I reread that last note left of her. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve reread it.

Hey Julian,

I’ve never told you this but I’m really scared. I don’t even know what I want to say you know…thank you for everything you’ve done that makes me so happy. I’m sorry I couldn’t bring myself to tell you this. Not after mom died and dad’s been not in a good shape. I’m scared of what might happen tomorrow. They told me, they had a surprise in waiting for me tomorrow. I don’t want it. I don’t want this. I can’t take this anymore. I love you Julian. I’m sorry.

Love,

Jenn

Tears just keep streaming down my cheeks every time I read it. I take the book and randomly open a page. It’s her diary I found in her room the day after the incident.

27^th March - they did it again… I wanna tell this to Julian but I can’t .They say if I tell him it would only cause me more trouble. They say they’ll do worse. Help. I want this to end.

18^th April - I tried telling a teacher today. She doesn’t believes me. She told me I was being a bad girl for telling such lies. Why won’t she believes me? Is it because they are one of the top students? Or was it because I’m bad at my studies? I hate her. I hate them. I hate them all. Die!

19^th April - They knew what happened yesterday. It hurts. My arms. It hurts. They slit it. They say another word about this and it’ll be worse. I’m scared. Help. Stop.

23^rd June - Errands, pranks… that’s enough. Today they told me to go buy them some breads, so I did. They told me one of it was for me. They told me to eat it. They shove it down my throat till I puke. They grabbed my hair and shove my face on the puke. It hurts and it’s embarrassing. They just laughed and took pictures… Die!

31^st July - Why me? Why is it me? The whole class turned a blind eye on me. They won’t talk to me, they won’t talk about me neither. I tried to talk to them but they ignored me. Julian doesn’t know about this. And I don’t want him to. What if he hates me too when he knows about this. No! No!

I hate myself for not noticing this. I’m ashamed of myself that’s been saying “she’s my twin of course I know everything about her” to my friends proudly when in fact I know nothing.

“You really are such a dimwit, you could have just told me but instead you smiled like nothing happened. Jenn…” I clench my fist until it turned white as I keep sobbing in tears. I don’t think I can keep on living like this. You deserved better, and I should’ve done better.

“I can’t believe you came to me in my dream just to tell me to go to that reunion.” I scoff.

“ You said to go for you…fine. I’ll go…specially for you. I’ll help you now.”