Are You My Friend?

The ringing set off in my ears. My owner’s alarm was a massive hassle of sounding off. From the point of view of my limited screen, I discover that they haven’t touched me yet. That’s good. Maybe they will take time to go outside, or use me as an app to keep track of how much weight they lost…

Oh, never mind! Here they are turning on that godawful show Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Go ahead, Catherine. Your mother would give you that condescending tone that you despise, “Oh Cathy bear, why would you do this to yourself?” I should know. My friends down in the Telephone Arena tell me everything about it.

She’s getting up from bed. Is she finally going to check her app? I should speak to her. I don’t even know how I got on. There was an option that Catherine chose in the Settings: Activate audio demands. She turned it on and that was that.

I mean, it doesn’t hurt to try. Right?

She activates my code through Google Search.

“Find recipes for weight loss.”

I reply back, “Here are a list of recipes that help you lose weight.”

As Catherine strolls through the multiple websites, I look at her search history. It is such a heartbreaking site. Oh Thursday night at 3:30 p.m., she Googled, “How to love yourself.”

I can’t stay silent; I need to speak. I guess now is a good time as any to tell her who I am and what I do. Thankfully, Catherine is about to click on the app.

“Hi there, Catherine. It’s nice to meet you.”

Catherine stared back at me with her gorgeous, hazel eyes. The way they contrasted against her mahogany skin tone was really desirable. If I had arms, I would hug her. I guess I made her speechless, because she was still holding me in her hands.

“You just talked to me. You…the G.G. app.”

If I had hands, I would smile and hide my laughter.

“We are the G.G. app, also known as the Glamourous Gals.”

“Hold on, let me put you down for a second. I just need a minute.”

I heard Catherine breathing heavily, praying to myself that she didn’t need a paper bag to help her calm down.

A few minutes later, she grabbed me gently and put me next to her on the right side of her blue beds.

“So if you’re talking to me,” she inquired, “then that means you know who I am because of my search history and who I follow on social media, don’t you?”

“I do. I know about Mallory and Lindsey, your best friends. I know that you love to eat spicy foods, but yet, you would never go into a desert in the middle of Arizona because the climate would make you get heatstroke.”

She continued to stare at me. She cleared her throat, took a sip of her Diet-Coke from the coaster, and then, in a shocking twist, she smiled.

Catherine started to whisper. “I don’t mean to act weird around you. It’s just that I would sound like a crazy person if a technological device was actually talking to me!” Her hands were at the sides of her face, Kevin McAllister style. It was a peach.

“Trust me honey. You’re not crazy. And anyone who says otherwise is merely trying to gaslight you. We gals got to stick together!” I was extremely enthusiastic about helping Catherine become her own independent person. That’s why I squealed like a schoolgirl during 4^th period in an elite high school.

Catherine continued to smile at me. My heart started to glow.

What am I even saying? I don’t have a heart. I’m connected through an SD card, chargers, and a cache that needs to be cleared every single day. If it gets too backed up, I am not a happy camper.

“I have a question, though.” She raises her hand.

“Ask away!”

“How do you exactly keep track of my calories?”

“It’s simple. I put it into a graph. Inside that graph are the days of the week. There, you can put in a calculated amount of calories that you consumed throughout the day. I can also keep track of your blood pressure, how many calories you burn through any courses you take, whether you want to feel the burn through Hot Yoga or engage in a high energetic Spin class.”

“Oh my God, that sounds so wonderful! I know we’re strangers and all, and you probably aren’t prepared to hear my life story, but I’ll tell you anyway. Can we be friends? Are you my friend, G.G.?”

In a rare fate of events, I have discovered that our potential friendship would rival that of the Joaquin Phoenix movie Her. I had heard Catherine and her sister, Dayna, watched the film while I was charging near the television on top of her dresser. Thankfully, there didn’t seem to be any sense of manipulation. Plus, I like Catherine. She clearly needs a boost of self-confidence. It’s a good thing that I have a filter for my brain.

“Of course, we’re friends. What do you prefer to be called: Catherine, Cat…?”

“Oh, Catherine is fine. Most people call me that anyways.”

“We’ve been talking for about an hour now. It’s 4:05 p.m. now right.”

I saw Catherine take a glance at her blue watch. “Yes, that’s the time,” she replied, adjusting her workout clothes. I noticed that the brand was Alo Yoga.

“I love your workout outfit. Let me see what your past calorie count has been.”

She started to cringe. “It’s not great. I’ve been on and off diets for about five years now, and to this day, I still crave midnight snacks.”

“What kind of snacks do you eat?” She probably ate popcorn or something.

“Usually Mooyah.”

“Mooyah? That’s not exactly a healthy restaurant dear.”

“I know. That was part of the reason why I wanted to leave Connecticut.

Now I was confused.

“Connecticut? But it said in your profile that you lived in San Diego, California.”

“That’s because I moved there over 3 years ago. I was actually born in Newington, CT.”

“So you wanted to get the sunny side of California, huh?”

“Right, and the moment that I enjoy this lovely city, I start getting anxious hearing the news about how the Coronavirus had swept California. Everyone has left. Me? I don’t even want to risk leaving. I’ll probably go once the rates across the states start to decrease and Congress gets its head out of its ass.”

“I don’t blame you. But on a serious note, eating fast food all the time will lead you to have an increased risk in heart disease and even bad headaches.”

“You know what’s sad, though?”

“What?”

“I already know all of these things. All my life, people have told me that I need to lose weight to be healthier. But it’s so much more than that. It’s not the outside that needs fixing, but the inside too.”

I almost started crying. Even if I did, I would short-circuit and not be alive.

“You know what, Catherine? Most people are so used to putting the blame on other people. They don’t even take the time to realize that they’re their own worst enemy. I really look forward to working with you. May I suggest that you have a Caesar salad with Ranch dressing?”

“Sounds delicious. I love Ranch dressing.”

With that agreement made, Catherine continue to log in how much calories she consumed and lost every single day. Three weeks later, she lost 45 pounds. The G.G. App is more than just a device that helps you lose weight; it can be your best friend as well.