Help me pick a title.

TRIGGER WARNING SUBSTANCE ABUSE RAPE VIOLENCE SELF HARM SUICIDE

Breath in Out. In, Out. Crunch.

I once watched a film. A beautiful Mind they called it. The movie was based on parts of John Forbes Nash Jr's life. He was in short a schizophrenic mathematician. But in this film, A Beautiful Mind. Mr. Forbes is put onto anti-psychosis medication, awhile passes and he realizes this medication is messing with his mind, so with an astronomical amount of will power, he overcomes schizophrenia with no medication, and leads a normal life.

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I can to. I can, This moment isn't real anyway, or maybe it is honestly it makes little difference, see, I'm crazy, a Loon. Theres no room in the world for me, but i won't go.

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 It takes a long moment for the brutal crack to register in my brain. Little fellow.

Just a tiny shell, poof, shattering, shards piercing soft flesh. A life snuffing out. Why did you have to cross my path, little friend? That's a popular question in my life.

I grab a credit card from my wallet to scrape the remains of the mollusk off the porch, transferring it to the brown dead grass. It would most likely provide a good meal for some hungry bird, or perhaps a raccoon. Do raccoons eat snails? I know birds do, Henry my macaw does. My heart mirrors its last moments, darkness penetrating, walls closing in, I'm not real.

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 When I was younger, dad called me soft, and my brother would laugh when I cried at the slightest of things. Neither of them understood. Mama said I was an Empath. She would hold on tight, her protective arms curling around my shoulders, pulling me in. The others hid their judgment when she was around. She is gone now. Six feet under, and I am as hard as the dirt packed around her. 

That’s a lie. I lie a lot. Most people do.

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I sink down onto the grass next to my tiny friend, wondering what eulogy to give such a fleeting life. “Fare thee well… Little fellow.” I whisper. How would I get through the day if a snail drops me to my knees? Instinctively, I shove a hand into my pocket, going for my phone. I will make this all go away. Instead, my fingers close around the heavy gold coin. 

Thirty days. That is something, right? This month I actually laughed. I gave hugs and met people that understood me. I hadn’t been myself for so long, and then I was found. Did I really want to throw that work away? Was i really myself, the real me needed it, needed the warmth of that in my mind.

My finger hovers between Ali and JD on my favorite list. Eenie-Meanie-Miney-Moe. Catch a tiger by the toe, if he hollers slit his-

“Hey bro, it’s Nora. I’m not doing so hot. Can you call me?”

Waiting is the worst. He will call back. I know it, it’s his job. I sigh. It’s his job. Does he really care? But the screen remains black and empty. Just like my soul. Whatever, I shoot a quick message to work before calling Ali.

Amar, gonna be about 30 min late- sorry man. 

You just got back. Matt is gonna fire you if you start this shit again.

Relax, I overslept is all.

Are you still taking your medicine?

I look at the clozapine to the right of me, anger shooting through my head, with a swift motion of my hand the bottles smacked against the wall, pills scattering across the ugly carpeted floor.

I said, "I OVER SLEPT IS ALL" ............................................*************......................................................

No response, please respond

If I were smarter, I would have deleted Ali. I should have deleted her. But my intellect wasn't heavy in the common since area, no, instead watever god there was made me...Math, science, writing, Thanks god..

“Hey, can I come over?”

Her voice is smooth like silk, and I can picture her perched on the arm of the couch, like a cat, eyebrow arched. “For you? Anytime. Haven’t seen you around in a while though, everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I mumble and end the call, already up on my feet. 

My phone buzzes and JD flashes on the screen. “You had your chance, like the snail, you crossed the wrong path,” I say to the wind. Where is the stupid decline button? Instead, I just shove the thing in my pocket, willing JD’s face away. He will just talk me down. He is supposed to do that, but he has already let me down.

I hurry down the familiar path, past the red split level, and between two fences. Ali prefers if you go in from the backyard. She seems to think her gramma would get angry that she is dealing H out of the basement. I giggle. Ali’s is probably right. My phone buzzes again. Damn it JD, leave it.

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I wish now he called once more

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When I look up, I am face to face with a man, perhaps a few years younger than me. His eyes are blue with a flop of fiery hair. It’s as though I am back in Fiji with mama, a bright orange sunset sinking into the crystal blue waters. For a moment, I am home, the waves sweeping gently over my toes. 

“H.. Hi..” I manage through a thick throat. “Didn’t see you there.”

He is beautiful, with a chiseled jaw, and the hair above his lip so fair you can hardly see it. There is a smattering of freckles across his nose, adding to his youthful look, but as I look to him I see he is probably closer to my age. At least mid-twenties. I run a hand over day-old stubble, grateful my dark skin hides the blush. I do not want to be seen as some Schoolgirl with her first crush.

When Guy smiles, everything else floats away. He reaches a finger out, trailing it down my lips, over my chin, brushing lightly on my shoulder. Tiny electric currents travel through me and I melt.

“I’m Jamie.” He grins. “You headed to Ali’s? Because I’ve got somewhere better.”

God, I am melting inside. I will go anywhere with you, I want to tell him. So I follow him further down the trail, dry grass crunching underneath my feet and the buzz of electricity from the power lines above vibrating in my head. I want to scream. It hurts so badly, but my voice remains silent.

Jamie belts out a song I don’t recognize, some old show tune, beating back the noise that is trying to take over my brain.

“What are you singing?” I shout, then realize it is not really that loud. I lower my voice to a whisper. “What song is that?”

He stops his tune, and the corners of his mouth turn upward. “I’m not singing- just screaming in tune.” His eyes sparkle, but somewhere caution lights are flashing. It’s only JD’s stupid warnings about new relationships. 

He takes my hand. Skin so soft against mine, Why do i trust him. He leads me toward a house that could be a twin to Ali’s. Same dirty aluminum siding, same rectangular cookie cutter split-level right out of the eighties. My phone buzzes again, and this time it’s Ali. Where did the damn decline button go? I go to shove the phone back into my pocket, but Jamie stops me. “Pete’s one rule, no phones.” There is a crack in Jamie’s armor, and something in him shifts. Danger. “I should have mentioned that before.” My heart beats faster.

“Who is Pete?” There were a million questions I could have asked, and this is what I choose? Go home, A voice whispers. mabey none of this was real. i should have stuck with the clozapine, Thanks john Forbes. I tuck the phone under a shrub in the backyard as it lights up again. JD this time. Come get me JD, please. “This okay?”

Jamie nods and brushes a finger down my cheek. I swear there is a tear in the corner of his eye. We turn, and instead of heading to the house, he leads me to an old shed. I look at him, raising an eyebrow, but follow anyway. I’m already in it. The door creaks when it opens, and he pulls back a rusty old lawnmower to reveal a trapdoor on the floor. “What the?” I mouth, but he only places a finger over his lips. 

He unlocks it and pulls up the heavy entrance to reveal a staircase leading downward. I follow him through the darkness until it opens up to a spacious room. 

“This room is sick!” I say to Jamie, my eyes widening. Three or four wide-screen TVs are situated with every console gaming system you could dream of. Even better, the guys wandering around were each as beautiful as Jamie, and not one emanated any bit of anxiety or anger for my psyche to latch onto. 

He grins at me in surprise but pulls me along toward a hallway. “Come on, you’ll have time, but Pete wants to meet you first.”

The man in the room was older than the rest of us, slightly balding, with a large beer gut. He frowns slightly when we enter, and I swear there is a brief wave of irritation, but it disappears so quickly, it must have been my own.

“Who do we have here, Jamie?” When the man smiles, it does not reach his eyes. His teeth are crooked, and only half of his mouth turns up.

Jamie glances at me, and I realize I have not even given him my name. Leave it like that.

“Nora.” My voice wavers a bit, and the older man lets out a hearty chuckle.

“You don’t have to be afraid. I take care of you boys here, so you can be free. Didn’t Jamie tell you anything?”

My laugh comes out in a quick burst, and I look at Jamie. His face is unreadable and I don’t know how to answer. Something is really wrong here. No one just takes care of people. 

“I think I made a mistake,” I stammer. “I’m just going to go. My friend Ali is waiting for me.”

Pete grabs my wrist, turning it over and running a finger along the track marks. Over the Self harm scars.

“I… I’m clean now,” I say, biting my lip, and hoping he doesn’t know why I would go to Ali’s. Jamie seemed to know when we had met. I reach for my phone with my other hand, remembering too late that it’s gone.

Pete pulls me into an awkward embrace and whispers in my ear, “We don’t judge you here. You do what you need to do, yeah?”

Before I realize what’s happening, he runs a hand down my arm, and I feel a pinch, then the familiar release. Someone taught him well. The buzzing in my head is gone, and I sink into Pete’s arms. 

“There she is…” I’m not sure if Pete is talking to Jamie or me, but it doesn’t matter. “Why don’t you go meet my other lost boys?” Peter pan?

I wander out of the room, Jamie and Pete’s voices floating in the background.

What were you thinking? He is too old.  

But Pete, he is perfect; I wanted him…

I had finally found it. This is my place, and I will never have to worry about the worries in my head again. Somewhere buried deep, a voice pokes and prods. He is too old? What does that mean? I giggle out loud before sinking into a plush chair and closing my eyes, letting the euphoria wash over me. ............................................*************......................................................

When I blink my eyes open, two beautiful oceans of the deepest blue are floating in front of me. I can smell Jamie’s sweet breath close to mine, and I reach up, drawing him close, “Is this real?"

“I’m sorry,” he whispers

“Are you crying?” I want to kiss him, feel his soft lips on mine, my lids droop, and I breathe deep.

“Nora.” My name sounds like honey on his lips. "Come with me."

Don't this is dangerous, this isn't good.

I follow him down the hallway past the office where I had met Pete. Jamie pulls out a key, unlocking the door to reveal a long room filled with tall glass cases. 

It's to dark.

My senses are off, I'm off balance, my eyes hurt, but i want this feeling, to make the memories fade. "Nora." Jamie is in front of me now, an odd look on his face, but once i've seen before, Please no.

In an instant he has my wrists, forcing me against the wall, I told you, danger. My heart heaves in my chest, "No." I whisper, "I don't want to." But it's nearly incoherent. It's to late, he's got me, my body aches as he moves, tears not forming, words not working, Please no.

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When Jamie finishes what is done, He lets me go, as i collapse the floor, Who would believe me, it's not the first time.

A noise follows the opining of the door, Pete places his hands on Jamie’s cheeks, and they press their foreheads together. “Oh Jamie, I do this for the boys. You know this. I save them from ever having to grow up.” He turns to gaze over me. "Help her dress herself once more." I realize I'm cold, my shirts torn, no tears. no words.

He turns to me. “I am like you, Nora. So much pain out there. Here, we will never judge you. Here you will be free from the voices and the rules. And I will save you from yourself. When the voices become too loud, I will silence them. It doesn’t hurt a bit, you know. You just go to sleep.” Petes words echo softly

Swallowing hard, I look at Jamie. He looks away. “You...can't...it hurts...i can't." Words don't work. Please no.

Pete doesn’t answer, just taps my nose and gives a wink, shooing us out of the odd memorial of lost boys’ past. He plucks the key from Jamie’s hand, securing the door with a click.

Then Pete pulls a phone from his pocket and his eyes narrow.

“Damn-it,” He mutters under his breath. His eyes meet Jamie’s and he places a finger over his lips. “Keep everyone calm, okay?” Then he disappears down the hallway and up the stairs toward the trapdoor.

Jamie looks nervous, and I follow him as he makes his way to the rec room. Everyone seems distracted, consumed by whatever drowns their voices. I creep up the staircase, and Jamie’s eyes widen. The trap door doesn’t budge when I try to open it. It remains locked tight. Please god, please.

“hmm,” he mouths.

I can hear voices from above. “No officer, I haven't seen anyone back here. I was just getting ready to do some yard work.”

“Found the phone!” comes a faint shout. My phone?

“What’s in here?”

“Just where I keep the mower and my tools.”

The door to the shed creaks open. And I open my mouth to let out a scream.

Jamie shakes his head, a smile across his lips

He walks away, he knows the words don't work.

Make the pain stop. I reach to my pocket, i still had what i wanted to begin with, I let the needle do it's work, another one, and another. This will make it all stop.

There is something poetic about living freely. No more fear, no more anxiety. And then it’s over. Why would anyone want to exist in the real world? Maybe Jamie is right, we should stay here, safe in our shells. Protected from the cruelness crushing us.. Maybe...

The doors burst open, men clothed in black and blue yell to me, "Are you hurt?" I don't respond, The shield on the bigger mans shirt is the last thing i see as i drift asleep.

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Life isn't like A Beautiful mind. I am not in the movies, I'm not a story, I just put my real story into words. I can't do it on my own. I am no john Forbes. I am no beautiful mind.