A thing of past

I woke up early in the morning as usual, as she used to wake me up early as she says, seeing the sunrise makes the whole day better. Now when I walk up to the balcony window I just see an old broken glass window out of which nothing can be seen due to all the dust that has gathered over it out of negligence. So today I decided to clean that window and look at the rising sun. I prepared just one cup of coffee and grabbed today's paper and quietly started reading the newspaper. The whole atmosphere felt static and emotionless.

After a few pages, I looked at my coffee mug and saw a faint reflection of a beam of light and as I looked out, the sun was coming up and with its light and warmth flooded me with the memories of old days as I started my the trip down the memory lane, and began to feel the warmth on my right hand, it was her soft and comforting hand holding mine firmly. She proceeds to tell me to stop staring and finish my coffee before it gets cold. She used to tell me all the latest news of the past day but I just couldn’t focus on the words coming out of her mouth as I was so overwhelmed by the liveliness that her face was showing, the sparkle of her face made it even the sun feel superficial. The slight ripples of her hair due to the soft breeze that was blowing made it even more charming. After a while, we both got up to check on the vines that we had planted the other day. We watered the plants and cleared the fallen leaves that were there. She manages the little garden that we have set up in front of our house with all her heart. Just as we were looking at berry buds a neighbor came as she needed some help with her medicines she quickly went to help her. She used to be a doctor at the local hospital but quit her job to work in a newspaper, writing was her passion and now she can help the people around her while doing her job. We both got ready for our work and prepared the tiffin for both of us, she never lets me eat out and if we are together, and to tell the truth I never resisted as I loved her cooking. I still sometimes get the little hint of that flavor whenever I cook but never the same. It all still feels as it was yesterday.

One day, I planned to finish early from work and prepare a special dinner for her with her, accompanied by her favorite pineapple-flavored ice cream. I quickly finished all the preparations before she arrived. I was really excited so I told her to come to the table as soon as she gets ready, but from just one look I could see that something felt off about her today but then I thought it might be just exhaustion from work which will vanish as soon as she sees the food. We both sat at the table and I started serving the food, I quickly realized that it was not just exhaustion that I was seeing, I got tensed but then quickly asked “Is everything, okay you look sick, should I call the doctor”, she dismissed the idea and told me to calm down, “It must be the seasonal flu nothing to worry about, I’ll take the medicine after dinner and it will be better till morning” she said. But I just couldn’t get the uneasy feeling off me, we still proceeded to serve the food and started eating. It was all good and well but just as I was serving the ice cream, I suddenly heard the gong as the spoon she was holding fell to the ground, her eyes were spinning, her head was shaking, the whole body felt as if it had lost its equilibrium. I suddenly dropped everything and went on to grab her as she was about to fall off the chair. I was heavily panicking then I remembered the first aid techniques that she taught me just for fun. I quickly laid her body down on the ground and lifted her feet by putting a cousin there, her body was completely motionless. I hurriedly picked up my phone and called for an ambulance. I was terrified, seeing someone that you loved the most laying still on the floor and you not being helpless in that situation can just pray that nothing bad happens. I just couldn’t let go of her hand the whole way to the hospital. Doctors quickly took her to the emergency room, after an hour they told me that her condition had stabilized but they needed to do some tests to get to know what exactly happened. I stayed in the hospital lobby the whole night, unable to get even a second of sleep. In the morning, the doctor explained to me the whole situation that she is diagnosed with GBM, a type of brain tumor which is said to be fatal, My whole world shook, it just felt unreal, the legs that I have stood up straight while talking the world's responsibility suddenly felt powerless unable to even carry myself and I fell into my seat. After a few minutes, I composed myself enough to go to her bed to meet her.

I came in and sat quietly beside her so as to not wake her up, but as if she knew about my presence she opened her weary eyes and looked at me as if to tell me not to worry and reassured me that she will get back as healthy as ever in a few days. In a few minutes, she fell into her sleep again. I stayed the night with her. After a few days, she fell into a coma that will feel like eternal. The doctors have also told me that she still can feel my touch or listen to my voices, however only partially. I just couldn’t the thought of leaving her in that condition but I still needed to pay the bills so as soon the work get done I get to the hospital and sit beside her, telling her the stories of all the fun that we had. Basically, it became my house, I would sleep beside her while holding her hand at night so she would never feel alone in a strange place. I would keep my gaze at her face for hours, observing how her eyes have lost their sparkle which was always filled with so much care for everyone around her and as always excited for what the future has to offer. Her smile was the best in the world which would put all of my worries at ease and fill me with a new energy every time I look at her.  Her hair was also one of the things that she was proud of, those thick long black hair looked like a piece straight out of fiction. She would usually start to play with them if she feels a bit anxious about something and whenever I notice that I will ask her what’s bothering her and try to solve it together, but now nothing is there. I could do nothing except gazing at her ashen beauty.

This went on for over a year, and on one chilly winter night, I felt the warmth of her hand slowly fading as she transcended this realm. Leaving behind all the moments that we spent together with me.

Now as of today it’s been five years after her death, still, it all feels as if time hasn’t moved at all. Still, today I have decided to apply for the job at the same newspaper and take on all the stories that she wanted to cover, go to all the places that we planned, experience it all as we would have, as she will forever stay in my heart. I will live a life that she wanted me to have so that she could her soul can rest in peace.