Super Mom

I was watching the news. The camera was fixed on the reporter. A Hurricane warning was flashing on the screen. The people in Florida were instructed to evacuate. People not able to evacuate must barricade the windows and doors and not leave their house.

I gave my sister a look. We both knew our father wouldn't make it. We had to hold our ground.

When I was young my mother passed away. She was even more beautiful, lying in the hospital bed. It was a lifelong struggle against that cursed illness. The doctors gave her a 5% chance. 5% she will beat Cancer.

She started having headaches. She went to see a doctor who sent her to a specialist. Headaches are taken very seriously. It surprised us all since she had no history of cancer in the family.

I did my best to be brave, of course. The days where she lay in bed, the windows closed. I gently sat beside her bead and held her hand.

The days at the hospital were tough. The doctors used radiation to eradicate it.

The worst days were when we waited for the results.

We would hear the phone ring. It was the only hospital that called our house phone. We heard my mom collapse after another new source was discovered.

My teacher made a great effort to make me feel brave. We buried my mom, and according to tradition we mourned her for seven days. My classmates were organized into groups of 3-4 to insure I wasn't alone. I felt good because I had a opportunity to spend intimate time with classmates I felt wouldn't ever look my way. My classmates asked questions about how does it feel. I felt angry. I felt angry and humble at the same time.

During the struggle my parents never let us think about what might happen if, and now it hit and ran through my body.

Dad: We can try another doctor, try a different treatment, a better treatment. We still have the time.

Mom::

Dad, holding her hand.

A silent pause

My sister: You can't think about the funding. We can always support with the funds from Grandma.

Me: There's money saved up for my future. We can use that.

Mom:: Oh but they're all the same…

Another silent pause. The silence as loud as thunder. My heart is beading like a drum.

I felt humble, strangely calm. I wasn't afraid to die. I saw my mother fight. She was strong and she did the right thing. To me she was the most brave person I ever knew.

I knew that if you believe in god and god is by your side, you will not feel pain.

After seven days we were done.

My dad told me some things I'll understand later and some I'll never understand. He blamed himself for not expressing his emotions like my mom. They balanced each other at parties my mom was the lively one and my dad "cool".

When I graduated and became independent, I felt I must get away. I boarded the first plane the next day heading to Wisconsin. I needed to get away from everything that reminded me of my mother. My grandparents were happy to see me. I ran to them and hugged them both. I felt tears streaming down my face.

: I don't know where to go, I whispered.

:: You can stay here as long as you want. When you feel better, we can talk about what to do.

The days and nights started to form again. My grandparents always made a effort to eat breakfast and watch the stock market news ( Great way to start your day).

I managed to form a connection with a few guys and we spent time together. My grandfather asked gently if I wanted to work, maybe save some money. This part was to be expected, As I had nothing to look forward to at home.

Looking back, I needed that break in life. I know that because I eventually went back to my family house and stayed there. When my friends invited me to visit them in Wisconsin I refused them. But inside I was happy I tried. Today I'm a better person. I've learned my lesson not to make changes like that. My attempt to be different perhaps didn't last, but it wouldn't be real if I hadn't tried right?

Running away from a traumatic experience like losing my mother is natural. I felt angry and cheated. Changing your immediate environment can help disguise negative feelings to a rush. What if I traveled further? America is a big place.

To my mother. You have made an example of determination. Leaving your hometown and raising two girls – my hero. Even in the darkest time, being on your side seeing you withering away. It's clear that standing by my father- your husband- is your will. I have traveled to the States only to return to my hometown. I now feel ready to leave your shadowing presence and feal free.

My mother and father married in happier days. They both were fans of Rock N' Roll. The cold war wasn't in effect. The government supported and encouraged families. I choose to not have a kid. I acknowledge the fact that if my mother did the same things would be different. But not only did she struggle she set an impossible example for me to copy. My family will endure the storm and proceed with life. My sister will travel a lot because that's what she likes to do. I will keep a diary in private so I feel I can share my thoughts with you. Some names might sound familiar, some names I might introduce to you for the first time. I learned so much growing next to you and people today say I look like you, that always makes me happy.

Me: Remember that time I was in love with the Cohen's boy.

Mom::

Me: I said it wasn't true but it was. You said to not worry about it because one day I'll get over it. I yelled and screamed because it was the most important thing to me. You always were there with sound advice. Also that time I came home crying because some girls provoked me and I came home all with bruises and scratches. You carefully cleaned it and patched it. You were so good and attentive. It feels like the medical system failed you…

Mom:: I'll be watching you. Always. You won't hide your secrets anymore. I bless you with love and happiness.

Me: I'll make sure to remind you that. EVERY DAY FOREVER!