A spring-cleaning of the mind.

They all say I should be moving on like it should be as easy and natural as breathing or how winter always makes way for spring like clockwork.

Ooh that makes good poetry. I should write that in a poem when I get home. How will I start it? Life and its seasons. That makes a good title. Getting rid of the past like spring-cleaning. No…Spring-cleaning. That is the perfect title. Then getting rid of the past like spring-cleaning should be my first line. I should write this in my phone notes before I forget it all. I’ll get it out when I’m calmer.

But still, they keep repeating it to me like repeating it makes it any truer. I know I told them all and promised to start picking up the pieces come spring. But spring crept up on me. I’m not ready to move on from my winter.

Where did all the time go?

And I know they are all tired of having to check in and keep up with me like am an invalid.

I feel like an invalid.

Like a glitch in time.

Ah, this can be another poem. I should make a poetry collection to document this time I’ve been through. Draw a sense of purpose from it. Keep it in writing which makes it irrevocable. Permanent in a way. Every one will be able to tell what happened to me with a click of a button on Google.

Do I want to be that transparent?

No, nothing like that woman who picked the skimpiest spring dress to walk out in. Look at her, hair flying in the wind, skipping by in happiness. The absolute picture of spring. That should be me. Skipping along in the park not drudging by thinking of how everyone wants me to move on.

Maybe I should go back to the dance and let them know. Yes, I definitely should. How their seemingly helpful statements just sink me further.

I need new friends who are mature enough not to throw dances no one wants to attend. Doing this nonsense as though we are still in high school! I know we need something cheerful for this time but honestly, yuck.

Shame on them! Making out like that in public. And they look no older than sixteen. What’s with children these days? They should have a little more respect for the hurting. All sorts of hurting people come to the park to get a bit of peace. They could have had an indoor picnic. They don’t really have to paint the world with their love.

But maybe they do, time runs away from you when you are happy and drags when you are in misery.

And why would they have a dance in this time, at this time? Its just unreasonable. ‘Five Feet Apart dance’. What a joke. Very insensitive of Mary but no surprises there. Making people dress up like we are in a hospital. That’s cruel. And she had the guts to steam up when I showed up like a visitor because it didn’t quite fit her expectations yet she was dressed as the director. Very hypocritical. And again no surprises there.

I didn’t even watch the movie. Maybe I should do that too, now that I’m officially back in the world of the living.

She had the nerve to say visitors are not allowed. Like I wish to spend ridiculous amounts of time in a hospital! Oh she gets me so mad. Have we not had enough death and sickness already, isn’t spring about celebrating life? I’ll go give her a piece of my mind.

After I sit by this bench for just a while.

Where does all my energy go?

I wish I had a reserve like that puppy. It’s sort of cute but its dirty. And it doesn’t care. I wish I were a puppy. I don’t think its head circles around in thoughts like mine. See, there it is relieving itself by the tree, untroubled that someone is looking at it. I could run like that if I were a puppy. Away from my life…as far as I can get.

I just want to lie down and sleep and never wake up.

No!!! We are not doing such thoughts anymore. We are embracing life along with spring. But that would be nice. To lie down and sleep and maybe never wake up. That spot under the oak tree looks inviting. Not too much sunlight and it smells like spring is supposed to - new beginnings.

Ooh the grass feels like a pillow. Does it always feel like this? Should I be wary of insects crawling all over me? Maybe I should have stayed on the bench, getting up from here is going to be a tug of war. Breathe Lu, breathe. Be in the moment. Close your eyes, feel the breeze - the warmth of spring, smell the wind - the promise of life. Think of nature in its own spring dance….

Mary, that incorrigible vile being! And I had done such a good job keeping it together. I laughed at all the right pauses, made small talk with ‘friends’, and most importantly I had shown up. My goodness, despite my better judgement I showed up. Because this is spring and I promised to start making steps to move on. Why would I make such a stupid promise? Had I underestimated the heart’s capacity to ache?

Happy thoughts Lu, happy thoughts or the waterworks will run. You are in public even though you are alone. Get it together.

Why is the park forgotten at this time? It is lovely, an artist’s heaven. I wish I was an artist. This scenery wouldn’t be wasted. All these colours! Let’s see how many I can name. Red, Red-orange, should have a real name but I don’t know it. Peach. I think peach is red-orange or is it pink-orange. Yellow, lime, green, I think that’s mauve. Should be mauve. I should paint my room mauve when I get back home. New beginnings. Clean out his side of the wardrobe finally. A little spring-cleaning. And clear out his half of the study. A little more spring-cleaning. Shoot, here come the tears.

What time is it?

Ah. 6.30pm. It’s the lovers’ hour. People say flowers and nature are much more interesting to watch come spring. They get it wrong. Oh they get it so wrong. Look at them go. They must be fresh out of university. They have that look about them, of accomplishment. They look so happy together, his hand in her back pocket, her hand around his waist with her head on his shoulder. Somehow thinking of a future together.

I was that happy once.

They’ll probably break up by the end of spring.

Why so grim, Lu?

Or he’ll die trying to be a hero and she’ll be left to pick up the pieces by herself and then all her friends will start telling her after four short months that there is life outside her room and she should get back to living. Like it is easy. Why do they keep saying it?

I promised myself to get it together come spring. And spring is here. I should get it together. I should keep the promises I make to myself.

And I had done such a good job keeping it together till Jeff asked me to dance. It is just too soon. It is all too soon. Spring shouldn’t be starting on so low a note. Come on up, up, up.

Just a little further. To the place framed by trees and flowers against a backdrop of the most colourful sunset.

Oh no, there is a couple in our spot. Our spot…it will be my spot now. Let me watch them for a bit. She doesn’t look happy. Ha, see how life treats us all with no respect. Like our emotions are disposable tissues. Look how she clings to his hand. He’s saving you a lot of heartache, you don’t know it. Because your heart breaks worse after you’ve had three short years of blissful marriage and he leaves you one morning because of a senseless accident without saying goodbye and telling you how to continue life without him.

Lu, better thoughts please.

But he is walking away. He is walking away! I shouldn’t see this happen at our spot. And what group is this headed this way? Seems like an impromptu dance presentation. Yep, our lad is joining it. A presentation for his lady love. No, he’s not going anywhere. Ha, that was a cruel joke too. Teach him better. Ooh she is joining in the dance too. Looks too well co-ordinated for all of them. Ah, I see the camera now. It’s all a show. I’ll give them a few more minutes then go claim our spot.

I want to move on. I don’t want to fall into a helpless pile of tears whenever they say your- his name. He’s not here Lu, he’s not here. I want to move on. I don’t want to hear his laugh whenever I walk through the door or look to my left when I want to share a joke or get an opinion and find he truly left. I want more than the senseless cycle of wake, cry, eat, cry, sleep, repeat. Winter let me get away with it. But spring is here.

And unfortunately, you- he is the past.

Through no conscious choice of anyone but its time to let you go. Let him go. A spring-cleaning of the mind. Just wanted to view this ultrasound at our spot. Where we met, where you proposed, where I announced my promotion, where you scratched our initials into the bench and announced it was now our spot for any big news. I imagine you here with me. See what we made. We are having a little boy. A good way to remember this spring. That some life can bloom from death. It’s just that I’ll be having him and doing everything now.

I’ll tell you my plans even though you are not here, sort of like a promise to myself. And I need to keep my promises to myself and make room in my mind for what’s coming.

I’m going to give him your name.

Mummy might say I should give him dad’s.

He’s my child, I’ll do as I please.

I’ll paint his room forest-green, feel it with all the comics you loved and your toy car collection. He’ll love it all when he grows. We’ll have junk night like you would have wanted. I should send him to your parents for an uninterrupted month every year till he is old enough to rationally decide. When he is old enough to have coherent conversation this will be our spot. We’ll make all major announcements here, almost as though you are here with us. I’ll do all the things you said you wanted for your son. We’ll find a way to honour your memory without stifling his individuality.

I’ll tell him about you, everyday. Everyday.

Here comes the rain. It is a good time to cry. Everyone will mistake them for rain.

But after this, Lu, after this, it’s a new start.