Regrets, Yep I have one big one.

Regrets: Yep, I have one big one.

A bunch of the guys decided this Saturday to go to the local bar for karaoke night. We all of us are old men, living in the same retirement home. Against the usual pattern of such a place, we are all of us single, all of us but me were widowed.  A couple of us, not me, still had decent singing voices, so this seemed like a good idea.

After two people in a row, fortunately not of our crowd, sang “My Way” really badly, we started talking, after we stopped laughing, about whether we had any regrets in our lives. Most of the guys said that they agreed with the lyrics of the song. They didn’t have any regrets about the decisions they had made, the way that they had lived their lives. I think that they were being honest.

It was my turn to speak. We have old-fashioned courtesy in that way. My response to the question of whether I had any regrets came down to one big one. A couple of the guys went to the same high school as I did, at about the same time. We knew most of the same people at that place and time. So when I said, “Remember Janet?” two of the guys gave a very affirmative “yes.” accompanied by big smiles. 

“Well we were dating during our last two years of high school. It sure seemed like the real deal. On a string around her neck she wore the ring I earned playing right guard on our championship football team. Janet and I even had our own song. “Because” by the Dave Clark Five. It came out the year we graduated. When we talked about our future, we reckoned that she would continue working at the drug store, where she had managed to grab the cosmetics counter job after two years working there. And I would go to university here in town and become a teacher.” 

Most of the guys nodded, knowing that I was a university graduate, in fact having two degrees, and that I had taught at the local community college for almost 40 years.

“What happened?” asked George, my best friend in the group. 

“Well, I didn’t do too well that last year in high school. I was having too much of a good time.” I made a gesture like I was smoking a joint. “So my marks went down, and I didn’t get accepted at the university here in town. I had to apply all over the country, until finally one desperate, relatively new university said that they would accept me on probation. 

           Then I did a really stupid thing. I told Janet that she had to come with me halfway across the country so that we could still be together. I didn’t take into consideration that her parents were divorced, not so common in those days, and that her mother needed her to take care of her, and pay her bills. Her mother didn’t work. Not so many mothers did back then. 

Janet said that she couldn’t go with me.   She was needed at home.  We just would have to continue our relationship far apart. But I knew some guys a year or two older than me who had tried a distance romance, only to have their girlfriends scooped up by opportunists here in town”. One of the guys looked down when I said that. “I was pretty close-minded in those days. And she was so darn pretty.  I knew that the predators would be on the prowl with me gone.  I told her that we only had two choices. She could come live with me, or we would split up. We had no alternatives.

That was it for our relationship. She walked away and we never spoke again. I graduated from that university, got a second degree at another university out of town, and moved back here seven years later to get my college job. I had had no significant relationships during that time, as my studies were everything to me. I felt that they were my ticket to happiness.

When I returned, I looked for her in the drug store, but they told me that she had left the job for a better one in another town. 

My job was great. I helped people.  I influenced many children without having to raise them. I had colleagues to talk and party with. But every once in a while I thought of Janet, and what I had lost. I didn’t think that any relationship could be like that again. So I didn’t try.”

There was silence after I finished. The guys, being guys, didn’t know what to say. Fortunately, the karaoke was starting up again. A group of women of significant maturity sitting at two tables near the microphone were clearly anxious to belt out some their favourite songs. Frank, who was sitting beside me, said that he thought that they lived in another retirement home on the other side of town. He recognized a few of them from a euchre tournament he had entered.

The first woman did a couple of Dusty Springfield hits, which was much appreciated by the crowd, including everyone at our table. When she finished I thought it would be a good time for me to go to the washroom. I’d had several beers.

I was at the washroom door, waiting while several lads came out, when the next singer began her song: “Give me one kiss, and I’ll be happy…” It was that song, our song. I had to go back to the table and hear it all the way through. I sat down and listened  She did a beautiful, beautiful job. I hadn’t heard anyone sing the song like that since….Janet. When she was finished, the guys at our table stood up and applauded. Others followed. She bowed in recognition of the crowd’s appreciation.

I walked over to her table to tell her how she brought back great memories for me with her singing. I guess this was a night for revisiting that old high school stuff, a little painful, but a lot of happy too. 

She sat down, and I got my first good look at her. The word “familiar” isn’t strong enough to cover it, more like “rediscovery.” Little things brought big memories back: the color of her eyes, the tilt of head as she looked at me, her subtly perfect makeup.  On her face was an expression that I am pretty sure was on mine too. As I approached her I saw that she still had my ring around her neck.  

She said my name, “Jason”, at the same time as I said hers: “Janet.” Our hands found each other’s. An old man still can have hopes. Maybe re