Behind the Tile

The end of another day. Mary sighed deeply as she undressed and stepped into her shower, the warm water meeting her cool skin causing goosebumps. She closed her eyes as she let the stream of droplets land on her face. Thoughts raced through her mind; the never ending list of tasks to get done, the problems that arose that day and the subsequent possible solutions for those problems, and so on. She never thought she would end up here; running a non profit organization that she built from the ground up, helping people and the planet by providing access to sustainably sourced food to those in need, along with other resources. She loved what she did, but damn, was she tired. She was more than tired, she was exhausted, drained and beaten. She opened her eyes and casually admired the marble tile of the shower wall trying to quell the racing thoughts in her mind.

The shower used to be her happy place. The one place she felt weightless, at ease and truly clean. The only time when she didn’t feel bogged down by the toxicities of modern day life in a society that values money and convenience over health and conservation. Now though, the shower had become a disassociated process full of mental checklists, worries, and trying to remember if she already shampooed her hair. Her finger traced over the tile, outlining the gray veins of color in the white marble. But as she neared the edge of a tile, she noticed a slight crack in the grout. She sighed as she added to her mental checklist to call someone to come redo it. Her finger made its way to the crack, lightly outlining it as well when, to her surprise, it got larger. 

“What the hell?” she whispered to herself as she ever so gently touched her fingertip to it, the crack growing even larger. “How is that even possible?” 

This time, she put her whole hand against the wall and pushed. The entire thing gave way like a door into a secret passageway. But what she saw completely stunned her. Before her, opened an expanse of glittering rolling hills, fields of wildflowers and trees, rivers snaking between them with waterfalls and moss covered rocks so vibrant they almost seemed to glow. It was the most pure, uninterrupted, beautiful wilderness she ever could have possibly imagined. So full of life, you could feel it in the air. She inhaled deeply, her lungs feeling like they were filling with oxygen for the very first time, it was unlike anything she had ever experienced before. 

“Wait…” she thought to herself, “How is this possible? It can’t be, this can’t be real, I must be hallucinating.” 

She pinched her arm, slapped herself a few times, stomped her feet, stepped back into the water of her shower, closed her eyes really tight and then opened them again, but the wilderness before her stayed, its allure growing stronger the entire time. 

“Well, if I’m having some kind of psychotic break then I guess I might as well enjoy it, right?” She said to herself as her foot stepped into the soft grass of the field. 

She strolled through the wildflowers, smelling the sweet scent of each one, taking in each vibrant color as if her life had been in black and white until now. She admired the trees, their roots sprawling throughout the ground like veins, she could almost feel the life within them as if it was within her, too. She made her way to the river’s edge, the crystal clear water bubbling over smooth rocks of all sizes and colors. She dipped her toes into the water and before she could blink, her body was fully submerged, floating along the river. It was like she was weightless, the water was the perfect temperature and somehow she had buoyancy despite it being freshwater. For the first time in what felt like forever, she was letting go; letting go of the weight of the world, of all the things wrong in it and everything she was fighting to make right, of the never ending list of things to do and the tension of constantly feeling like it was never enough, and most of all, she was letting go of that feeling of heaviness that was always there, like a nameless toxicity that was deeply entrenched in her soul. Her eyes closed as she floated along the water, and she stayed that way until, eventually, it brought her ashore on a river bank. 

“Holy hell!!” Mary jumped back halfway through standing up, causing her to lose her balance and land flat on her bum. Looming over her stood a group of people, all staring at her in silence, causing her to realize in that very moment that she was still naked from being in the shower. Her face flushed crimson red from the heat rising in her cheeks as her hands frantically tried to cover herself. The group in front of her was clearly trying not to laugh while she suffered, and she glared back at them, noticing they were all wearing silk robes of varying pastel pinks and purples but nothing else.

“Oh my god, oh my god, this is my nightmare. Where did you all come from? Who even are you? What the hell is going on?!” She felt panicked and with each question that left her mouth, another entered her mind. 

“Calm yourself, and please, do not be embarrassed of your purest form, but here, we brought you this,” the man speaking held out a robe that matched their own. Mary took the robe and hastily put it on, crossing her arms as she scowled at the crowd. While staring, she realized, thought, that they were all quite beautiful. Actually, they were all some of the most beautiful folks she had ever seen as if they were a troupe of traveling models or something. 

“So..” the man tried to speak again but Mary interrupted him. 

“So, who are you? What are you doing here? What am I doing here? And for that matter, what even is this place?” she huffed, unable to hide the growing frustration from her voice. 

“Easy now,” the man spoke in a calm and oddly reassuring tone, his voice like smooth velvet. “We are Purifiers, as are you. We exist in this place outside of space and time, the purest place in the universe. We brought you back momentarily because we could tell you were wavering from your mission on Earth.” 

“My mission?” Mary laughed. “What are you talking about? This is crazy. I’m not entertaining this anymore, I don’t have time for this.” She began walking back towards the opening into her shower, the glow from her bathroom lighting it up like a neon exit sign. 

“If you leave now, you will never find your way back, and you will never get any answers to the questions you must have,” the man shouted behind her. 

She paused.  He was right, there were many, many questions that would go unanswered. After a moment of quiet contemplation, she exhaled and turned around. 

“Fine, start talking. But I swear, this better not end up just being some kind of mental breakdown I’m having,” her eyes narrowed but a small smirk flashed across her lips. 

A few of the folks in the crowd chuckled, as well as the man she was addressing. 

“Understood, now come, sit and relax!” his outstretched arm beckoned her towards the most beautiful moss covered rock she had ever seen, with one bare flat surface, perfect for sitting on. 

The crowd gathered around and settled themselves in various places as well, and the man sat down directly across from her. He smiled. 

“So, what is your name?” Mary asked, “If we are to have a conversation, I need to know who I am addressing.” 

“Well…we don’t really have names here. Like I said, we are Purifiers, we exist here more as sort of a collective consciousness, but I suppose for the purposes of this circumstance, you may call me One,” he said as a large smile grew across his lips.

“Okay, One,” Mary replied haughtily, “what exactly do you mean by “Purifiers” and why did you say I was one? Is this some kind of cult? Are you a cult leader?” 

Giggles arose from the scattered Purifiers around her. One giggled as well, “no, no, nothing like that. I know you’ve been on Earth a long time but try to remember. We go where we are needed, planets whose beings are set on self destruction and we do our best to make it better than it was before. We purify.” He leaned forward and tapped his index finger on Mary’s forehead. 

Reflexively, she closed her eyes, but when she did, memories came flooding back, from her time before Earth, from her time here. She opened her eyes, and what were stranger’s faces had now become familiar. She remembered who she was now, who she really was. 

“I remember you,” she smiled at One, and looked at the people around her, “I remember all of you!” The faces around her smiled, and some folks even waved like an old friend would when being reunited. 

A sigh of relief burst forward from her like a balloon deflating. “It feels so good to be back here, being on Earth felt absolutely horrible just like poison in the air constantly, like I could never really breathe.” 

“It’s good to have you back, but don’t get too comfy, you know you have to go back, right?” One’s expression grew more serious, “Earth still needs you, your mission is not done.” 

“What? Then why am I back?” Mary glanced back at the door to her shower on Earth, still open. A whole other life existed over there, paused while she visited her true home, her actual life outside of space and time, the place where she truly belonged. She didn’t want to have to leave it behind again. 

“Because we felt you wavering. You were struggling, and you were close to abandoning your mission. We needed you to remember your purpose.” One explained, while some of the others got closer, giving reassuring pats and touches on Mary’s back. 

“So, I was failing. It’s just so much harder than I thought it would be. Everything is so bad there. It’s like no matter what you do, it’s never even close to enough. I don’t think I’m helping or changing anything. And I feel so crappy all of the time, no matter how healthy I tried to be, I still felt horrible. Like the entire atmosphere itself is toxic. It’s such an overwhelming place, I really don’t know how much more of it I can take, and for what, anyway?” Mary continued, all of her thoughts flowing from her like water and she couldn’t stop it even if she tried. “It’s like the humans are hell bent on destroying themselves, and the planet too. Wars, famines, genocides, radiation, cancer, pandemics, illness and poverty run rampant. Did you know, there are places on Earth where hundreds of thousands of people don’t even have a home? Nowhere to go, no way to feed themselves, and other people hate them for it. Like they asked for this. No one asked for it. And yet people continue to have children they can’t care for, and then those children grow up sad and miserable and traumatized and then THEY have children they can’t care for and the cycle continues on and on and on. It’s all too much, I tried to help, I tried to make it better, but I just…couldn’t. Sometimes I even got so overwhelmed by it all, I just wanted to die. I even thought about taking my own life a few times. I never want to feel like that again,” tears were streaming from Mary’s eyes now as she hung her head, ashamed that she had failed her people, and the people of Earth. 

A finger gently reaches under her chin and lifts her head, her eyes meeting One’s. With a gentle smile he speaks in a softer tone now, “My sweet Mary, you are not failing. You can do this. I believe in you, we all believe in you. But I need you to remember your original mission. You are not responsible for all of the world’s problems. Your mission is to leave the place better than it was before you arrived. And at that, you are succeeding beautifully. You just need to strengthen your resolve. You’ve made great strides but at much personal cost to you and I want to remind you that you CAN do it your way. You can be slower, more intentional. There is such a sense of urgency on Earth that humans torture themselves with everyday and for what? What are they rushing towards? Their mortality weighs on them, crushing them like an anvil and in response, they rush. They rush to do all the things they think they want to do, or have to do, because at any moment it could all be over for them, meanwhile, they never realize that by always looking ahead, they are completely missing what's right in front of them; their lives.” 

Mary sniffed and wiped the tears from her eyes. “I know you’re right, One, I just don’t understand the point of it all anymore. There’s so much suffering and for what? We go to these places and we spin our wheels trying to make any kind of difference that we can, why not just end it all? Then the suffering will just stop.” 

“The point, my friend, is not for us to understand.” One replied, “ To end all suffering is not up to us to decide, so we do what we can because that is what’s right. Even if a planet does end up destroying itself, we still try, because it's the only option. The other option is to give up, and then where would the universe be? What was it that Earthling said, ah what was his name? Oh! Martin Luther, he said ‘Even if I knew tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.’ And he has a point, because while tomorrow may bring destruction and chaos, when you plant a seed, lay a foundation, take a first step, begin anything, you never know what the end result will be, what it will withstand, and the ripple effect it may have. That’s why we ‘spin our wheels’. That’s why we never give up.” 

Mary smiled. “You’re right. I have to keep trying. I know I can do this.” She stood up tall, flattening out her robe and placing her hands on her hips. “But wait, how does this work now? When I go back, am I going to remember this? Aren’t we supposed to forget in order to prevent any biases against the planets we are sent to? If I forget though, what if I just go back to how I was feeling before?” 

One placed a hand on her back while the others stood, the whole crowd beginning to make its way towards the doorway to her shower on Earth. “You’ll forget the details, yes, but you won’t forget the feeling, because your purpose is to do good, to purify, and that will always be a part of you no matter where in the universe you are. Maybe it will get buried sometimes but if you slow down just a little, that feeling will always come back to you.” 

Arriving at the doorway, Mary turned around and looked at her kin. Nostalgia rushed over her as she waved her goodbyes and gave One a hug. 

“Thank you,” she whispered in his ear, “You know just how badly I needed this.” 

“You’re welcome,” One whispered back, “now go, plant your apple tree.” 

And with that, she disrobed and walked through the doorway, the wall closing and sealing shut behind her. She stepped under the water running from her shower and felt its warmth on her skin, and closed her eyes. It felt like so much had changed for her during that visit, but here, everything was just the same, no time having passed at all. 

Moments later, her eyes opened. Without hesitation, Mary turned off the water, and stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around herself to dry off. She went to her phone to call her assistant. 

“Hey, it’s me. I know it’s late but do you think you could meet me at the office in a little bit? I have some really good ideas for our next initiative.” But then she paused as a feeling washed over her. “Actually, you know what, it can wait until tomorrow. Have a good night.”