Thaw

I stared intently at the snowflake which had just landed on the car window. It glinted in the hazy light. Its uniqueness gave it a special kind of beauty. Even as I watched it began to blur around the edges, shrinking into a tear drop which tracked the window and became lost amongst the hordes of others.

One was beautiful but millions, trillions of them, at the will of the merciless winds, was the opposite. What should so easily melt away had become a barrier, freezing not only the air but the seconds themselves. All the cars were stuck in gridlock and inside them, people moved with all the sluggishness of time stopped.

I crossed my legs and tucked my red fingers under my arms

‘Cold?’ he asked. I shrugged with as much lack of interest as I could muster then turned back to looking out the window. I refused to talk to him. He knew I was cold anyway, I always was. Usually I would let him warm my hands with his own. The ache of wanting to do what had seemed so ordinary days before was physical, an uncomfortable tugging at the top of my stomach. But I wouldn’t give in. I had to learn to stop relying on him.

I pulled my phone out, from under all the layers I had found to wrap around myself with, in a quick movement. I sacrificed a hand to the elements to hold the device so I could check the flight details for the fiftieth time, even though I knew them off by heart already. Then I scrolled through Instagram. Then Twitter. Then Snapchat. Then the cycle started all over again. There was nothing new – I did it just to busy my hands. Distract my mind. To do anything but talk to him in case in a lapse of concentration or a moment of weakness I spoke normally, as if we were friends.

Faintly, a rhythm played out from the radio, barely discernible over the fiercely whistling wind. Absentmindedly, he tapped in time on the steering wheel. He pulled his sleeves down over his hands, twisted the drawstrings of his jacket around his fingers. He attempted to smooth his messy hair using his reflection in the glass but quickly gave up. All the while, he nodded along to the beat.

He turned and I snapped my gaze away. At some point my lips had formed an admiring smile which I quickly pulled back under control. I hadn’t even realised I had been staring until I was caught.

‘What’s going on?’ He asked, the confusion in his voice was dully painful and at the same time intensified my irritation. ‘Why aren’t you speaking to me?’ I shook my head, amazed that he still couldn’t figure it out.

‘Are you nervous? Don’t be. You’ll be fine. Besides, this is a great opportunity. You just have to give it a chance!’ I knew he wanted to help, but he had no idea what I want to hear. It was part of the reason I had decided to leave. I wished I could just tell him but the words get stuck in my throat every time. I roll my eyes at my own idiocy. He obviously didn’t feel the same or he would have said something, surely.

‘So you think, for sure, I should go? You don’t want me to stay?’ I asked in a final attempt to provoke some kind of response.

‘Of course you have to go! You can’t pass this up!’

‘That’s not what I’m asking!’ I cried, frustrated all over again by his complete ignorance. I wished I hadn’t said anything and returned to my silent sulk.

‘Do you... not want to go?’ He began tentatively. I curled my fingers so that my nails dug into my palms. I should tell him. It could ruin everything; he might think I’m being stupid or weird. He might avoid my eyes as he lets me down, tells me he doesn’t feel the same.

But the pain of leaving, watching him grow smaller and smaller as the plane takes off, without ever knowing, would be just as bad. Maybe worse.

The effort of keeping it to myself was like a never ending breath and my lungs were screaming for me to let the air out before they exploded, the ache that had begun deep in my heart spread like frost through my chest, making it hard to breathe, tightening, tightening.

‘I do want to go, I just... I don’t want to go anywhere you’re not!’ I confessed finally, dizzy from the sudden release of so much built up pressure. From the freeing lightness. Like a helium balloon, I could almost float.

His mouth fell open slightly, his eyebrows drawing together as if he was struggling to comprehend the words.

‘I need to get out of this car, this queue, because it leads to somewhere you’re not!’ My voice choked up and I hated myself for sounding so weak. I struggled to force out the rest of my words which appeared, suspended on the air between us. ‘I just want to go back.’

For the first time in years, I couldn’t interpret his expression. Then he seemed to come to a decision, his face set with resolve.

‘Okay.’

‘Okay?’

‘Okay. If that’s what you want, let’s just go.’ Without waiting for a reply, he pressed the buckle to release his seatbelt and swung open the door. Chilling air blasted in as he walked around the front of the car; it might have been numbing if I hadn’t already lost all feeling. My heart froze, as if it was holding its breath.

In the time it took for him to reach my door, endless snowflakes had adorned his hair and shoulders. His face was flushed, maybe from the cold. The smile that spanned his face reflected my own anticipation. Relief.

‘Let’s go home.’

He took my hand and as I stepped out into the cold, warmth flooded back into my body.