A Sad Spring

Trigger warning: self-harm, suicide

It’s finally spring!

Yay…….

If only she were here to see it too.

No.

Stop.

Don’t think about her.

But she’s gone. 

And it’s all my fault.

I’m a monster.

I should have--

Stop. 

You couldn’t have known.

Don’t start crying.

Not here.

Not in a park.

Not with so many people watching.

She’s gone.

She’s gone, she's gone, she’s gone.

Calm down, Beth.

How?

Hannah's gone!

Think about something else.

Ummm…

The path!

Yes.

The path is nice.

Yep.

Nice brick paths.

Nice and red.

Red…

Like blood...

Like the blood coating her wrists.

Like the blood streaming out from her stomach.

Like the blood she coughed out when I found her.

Like the blood that dripped from her lips when she said good-bye.

NO.

Stop.

Stop crying.

People are watching.

They’ll judge.

Like how they all judged her.

How they mistreated her, just because she was different.

How they broke her beyond repair.

How they cracked her until she shattered.

STOP!

Think about other things.

Happy things.

Like that one time--

What’s the point?

She’s dead.

How can I think of happy things, and not think of her?

All my joyful memories include her.

In fact, all my memories include her, until this week.

Until the last couple of days.

And all that happened was me becoming a sobbing wreck.

Me crying.

Me cutting.

She wouldn’t want this.

She wouldn’t want you hurting yourself.

Then why did she take her life?

She knew how much I loved her.

She knew she meant as much to me as I meant to her.

She knew, but still left me.

So I’m going to find her, going on the same path she did.

What about your friends?

All my friends are fake!

They won’t care if I die.

All these years, I kept lying to myself.

I acted like they weren’t fake.

But she was the only one that cared.

And she’s dead.

Stop thinking like that!

They would care!

Jenny, Avery, Lucy, Eden…

They care!

No, they don’t.

They never cared.

All they do is pry out your secrets, then act innocent as they scatter them for all to find.

That’s how everyone found out about her secret.

That’s why everyone shunned her.

And then…

I left her too…

She knew why!

She knew that you couldn’t throw away your reputation so easily!

She said it was okay.

You still contacted her out of school.

And you were the last to leave...

And it was only for a couple of days!

It would have been longer if she had kept on living!

I valued my reputation so much, I lost my only friend!

And I’m just like her!

I should have been shunned like her...

Stop. 

Just go do what you came out to do.

Stop thinking about her.

Just put one foot in front of the other, and keep going.

Do as she had instructed in the letter.

The letter…

Yes. 

Just keep going.

Hold on to the jar.

Keep walking.

Go to the stream.

Do as she wanted.

“Scatter my ashes into the stream. Let me travel the world through the water. Don’t bury me. Don’t lower me into the ground. I had enough of others stepping on me.”

Yes.

So take the jar to the river.

Let her see the world, like she had always wanted.

If only she had not let others trample on her before she died.

If only we could have been together for longer.

We could have traveled the world together for the rest of our lives.

Don’t think about anything.

One foot in front of the other.

Good! You got to the stream!

Now open the jar.

Spring was her favorite season…

Beth collapsed, her thoughts hazy. Blood flowed from the cuts on her wrists as she lost consciousness. Ash tumbled out of the jar and drifted into the stream. Beth’s head slipped under the water, and her hair danced with her friend’s ashes. Then Beth relaxed her grip on the paper she had been clutching and stopped breathing. 

Dear Beth,

I’m sorry. I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I don’t understand why everyone started treating me differently when they found out I was lesbian. I had always been that way, but when they found out they treated me like I was a different person. But I hadn’t changed at all!

I know killing myself is cowardly. I know it has only been a few days. I know I should keep going, at least a little longer, but mom’s disappointment... I know it’ll hurt you that I left. I’m really sorry. But you will find someone better. You deserve so much more than I have to offer.

I’ve always loved spring. It is such a happy time, so much life after the cold months of winter. And I always got to hangout with you at the park. But this spring wouldn’t have been the same. You would have hung out with other people, and I understand why. I don’t want to drag you down with me. I respected your decision, and now I’m asking for you to respect mine.

Please, do me one last favor. Scatter my ashes into the stream. Let me travel the world through the water. Don’t bury me. Don’t lower me into the ground. I had enough of others stepping on me. Stand at the cherry tree where I had confessed, all those years ago. Where we had started our secret relationship. I want to float through the stream with the petals of the cherry tree, a constant reminder of you and all our happy memories.

Thank you for everything. I love you.

~Hannah