A Summer Rain

It was a lonely drive from work. My booming radio and thoughts, my only company. I shuddered a little in my white woolen sweater. The air was unusually chilly. I mindlessly switched from one station to another as I was beginning to lose signal and then little by little, my warm serenade turned to the sizzle of a pan. I let out a sigh of annoyance and turned off my radio. The only sound that could be heard was the lonely howl of the wind, just like my sick heart. The weather forecast did announce that it would rain later but how odd though, in the summit of summer!

With the way the wind picked up, I was lucky to have pulled up in my driveway in one piece. During my first attempt to let out of my car, the strong wind slammed my door back shut. I tried the second time but with more grit, I managed to push through the wind. Ignoring the sand blown in my squinted eyes and the hair whipping annoyingly across my face, I made my way indoors.

Later, I got into a nightie and slipped under my covers. I cringed in it's empty space. I tossed and turned in my marshmallow of a bed that now felt as hard as a rock finding some comfort. I desperately reached out for his warm, yielding flesh but I was met by a vast empty space where Abel once was. I sighed again remembering that I lived alone and squeezed my eyes shut hoping to push those thoughts out of my head.

With a sudden crack! My windows flew open and my velveteen drapes fluttered wildly in the wind. The sudden movement made me flinch. Quickly, I threw the covers aside and ran to shut the window. I shivered a bit in the frail chiffon of my night dress. The wind howled no more and for a minute, there was calm. I looked out the window, it's panorama was so lovely it seemed unreal. It was the reason we chose the house in the first place to live out our fairytale love. Mossy mountainous rocks overlooked a green lake that was cliff-bound and glistened lovingly in the summer sun. We got married and moved in only a year ago before death creeped in like a thief and stole my best friend away!

As I stared into the night, a million thoughts flooded my mind. How many times did we experience capricious weathers like this together? How many times did he tease me before putting his arm around me when I flinched at the crack of thunder? How many times did he whisper in my ear, just like the wind, saying he would never leave? And how many times did we stare at that very window?

A single tear fell from my eyes and at that moment, a drop of rain hit my window plane...followed by a thousand others. They rapped loudly like pebbles on my windows. Just like my eyes, the clouds not only rained, it poured. I felt as if the heavens were mourning alongside me. The rain washed up so many memories. Of failed dreams, unfulfilled promises and a bright future that was now bleak with uncertainty. The rain came down with all it's vigor and power. A bright golden light shone before my tear-glistened eyes seconds before a thunderbolt tore through the dark curtains of the sky. This time I did not flinch. I stood up, convulsing with overwhelming emotions as I dried my face with shaky hands. The only feeling I could habor at the time was anger.

I pinched my car keys off the nightstand and stormed outside. The bone-chilling air was like an evening breeze. I got to my car and turned on the engine and let the car decide my destination.

I pulled up in front of the tall gates of cemetery and got down. With the help of my flashlight, I made my way to Abel's grave. I yelled, kicked, hit, cursed and did all sorts of things to that grave. I slammed my fists against it, yelling and demanding answers for leaving and ruining my life in the process. My bitter cry was drowned by the vicious rain. I wish he could feel what anguish I felt or be somehow affected by what I said and did. God, I wished I could bring him back to life and kill him all over again for the hurt he caused and letting me drown in depression for losing him. The rain got heavier, somewhat sapping out all my energy. I collapsed on the grave and cried. The bullet-like drops of rain felt numb and the rambling of thunder all faded into the background. I gritted my teeth and tore out my hair. I hugged his grave, sobbing, telling him how bad life was in his absence. Promising that if he came back that I would not leave the shoes out again or go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink but it was too late now. I lifted my head and let the rain wash away my tears. Let it soothe my worrisome soul. I got up and went to my car.

At home, when I alighted, there was a difference. I felt lighter and free. I walked in and packed my suitcase. There was no sense in living in a house filled with so many memories and dreams of what could have been. I locked all the doors and drew the curtains but when I got to that window...I noticed something...the rain had stopped. I smiled satisfactorily as I drew the blinds. I picked up our wedding portrait from the nightstand and smiled. I planted a kiss on his face and placed it facing downwards. I left my ring there too. There was no need dwelling in the past. Yes, although I loathe admitting it, Abel was the past and I couldn't exist simultaneously in the past and present. I decided to pickup where I left off in my life because when I lost Abel, I felt as if I lost my direction, I didn't have a purpose anymore but not now. Now I realized that I have a choice and I took it. I chose love, family and adventure because I realized soon enough that since I still lived that there was hope. I turned off the lights and locked the house for good.

Before I drove off, I cast one last nolstalgic glance at the silhouette of my house, waved and drove off into the city. I left knowing something great awaited me. I was going to stay with my family who tried for over six months to dissuade me from living here all alone.

The rain... capricious, impulsive as it was reminded me so much of my Abel. It changed my mind in a night. I can still hear his voice in the wind whispering gently in my ear that I did the right thing.