The Empty Space After Sacrifice

The moment Jeremy rounded the corner and began to exit the terminal, Anna's eyes immediately found him.

Despite the fact that he was swarmed in a sea of fellow servicemen and women, Anna found it impossible to miss him. If the last seven years as an army wife had taught Anna anything, it was how to spot out her husband in a sea of camouflage. It felt like a sixth sense at this point. A survival tactic if you will.

Find your husband in the crowd. If you can see him you know he's really here. If he's really here, that means he's okay. If he's really okay that means he's safe. If he's really safe that means he's alive.

This quickly became a mantra Anna lived by at every departure, every photo-op she might spot in the newspaper, and most importantly- every reunion.

Surrounded almost completely by fellow military families, there was a boisterous anticipation filling the welcome center. With a giddy joy, children chased one another, passing through the sea of adults. Friends held glittery posters that said things like Welcome Home Hero! and Army Strong. Some even brought their pets, who wore bandanas that said cutesy phrases like I missed my human. There was an undeniable enthusiasm that filled the air, one that could only be brought about by the inexplicable feeling of desperately missing a loved one for far too long a time.

Giggles continue to flit through the air, balloons bobbed in children's hands, and cameras were shakily prepared to document the well awaited reunions.

Amidst this chaos, Anna stood alone. She held none of these things, and no longer could find it in herself to draw up the bubbly optimism that filled the people surrounding her. So, in the center of this massive crowd, Anna simply stood in silence- waiting for her husband, waiting to go home.

The second Jeremy and his fellow soldiers turned the corner and began to exit the terminal the giggles and conversations came to a a screeching halt. With baited breath everyone watched the emerging soldiers, and eagerly waited for the men and women to cross the threshold of the terminal.

Suddenly breaking the silence was a little boy shouting "MOM!", who then began to sprint full speed ahead towards his mother who was at the front of the pack.

At the sight of the little boy racing forward, the spell was broken and suddenly children were embracing parents, parents embracing children, and spouses emotionally reuniting with one another.

As all this joyful chaos broke loose, Anna remained standing in place. Silently she watched as Jeremy pushed his way past reuniting couples, the two never breaking eye contact. As Jeremy began to get closer, Anna acquiesced and took a few steps towards him. As women dived into husbands arms and children began to cry, overwhelmed with emotion, Jeremy and Anna silently came face to face.

While the anger did not magically melt away the way it might in a favorite rom-com or novel, Anna couldn't deny the immense relief she felt swell inside of her at the sight of her husband before her- safe and in one piece.

A small smile broke out onto her face. "Welcome home" Anna said.

"Glad to be home" Jeremy replied, an unsure, small smile coming to his face in return.

Staring at one another, an awkward silence filled the space between them for a brief moment until Jeremy dropped his duffle to the ground and wrapped his arms around Anna in a tight hug.

"God I missed you" Jeremy whispered in her ear, "Seriously Anna you don't even know."

As the two stood in the middle of the bustling crowd hugging one another, Anna felt herself release a sigh she didn't even know she had been holding in. The tension she'd been carrying the last ten months of Jeremy's deployment gracefully slipped from her shoulders and she felt her arms tighten around Jeremy in return.

"I do know" she replied, choking up a bit, "I really fucking do Jer."

Pulling back, Anna quickly wiped at the tears in the corner of her eyes. Looking anywhere but Jeremy, who was still intensely staring at her, she asked "Home?"

Silently nodding, Jeremy picked up his bag and side by side the two began walking out of the airport.

Silence pervaded the space between Jeremy and Anna all the way to the car. Throwing his bag in the backseat of Anna's car, Jeremy hopped into the passenger seat and let out a deep sigh.

"Soooo, I'm assuming you're still mad huh?" he asked, chancing a small glance in Anna's direction.

Not returning the glance, Anna let out a sigh of her own. "No, I'm not mad" she replied as she looked over her shoulder and began to pull out of the parking lot, "I'm just...resigned".

"Resigned??" Jeremy asked incredulously, "What does that mean?!"

Anna chanced a look in Jeremy's direction, who was now fully facing her in his seat. After a brief glance Anna darted her eyes back to the road. "I, I just....can we leave this until we get home at the least?" she asked.

Jeremy held his breath for a moment, seeming to come to some sort of silent conclusion in his head, before nodding and saying "Sure." With a little huff he turned and squared his shoulders back to the road, suddenly beginning to feel quite resigned himself.

About ten minutes later they pulled into the driveway, and Anna quickly hopped out of the car without so much as a second glance at Jeremy. Silently following suit, Jeremy grabbed his duffle and trailed after Anna through the front door.

"So are we gonna do this?" Jeremy asked as he dropped the duffle bag and came to stand in the middle of the room.

He looked to Anna's retreating figure, who had frozen in place at his words. After a moment in which no words were exchanged, Anna abruptly pivoted and marched right back over to Jeremy. Standing a foot or so away she said, "Yeah, it looks like we are."

"I just don't understand how we haven't moved past this" Jeremy began, "Its been 10 months, and look everything turned out fine. I just-" He abruptly stopped as Anna sharply raised her hand in the air.

"I'm going to have you stop right there" Anna said, her voice barely audible.

"Sure, its been 10 months. Sure, nobody is hurt. But NO." Anna said as she became impassioned, "NO. Everything is NOT fine."

"Anna I mean c'mon you know what-"

"Do you remember the words we exchanged 11 months ago?" Anna asked, her simmering anger apparent as ever.

Jeremy stared into Anna's eyes, trying to cloud the emotions he felt beginning to overpower him.

***

Eleven Months Earlier

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN REENLIST?" Anna shouted as she paced back and forth in front of the couch that Jeremy sat on.

"Exactly that." he replied "I mean honey COME ON, this can't have come as this much a shock to you."

"Shock?! No of course I'm not shocked that my husband has decided to reenlist for another tour without even consulting me?! Why would that shock me?!" she shouted while still pacing back and forth.

"Hey" said Jeremy, " I am consulting you. In fact I'm consulting you right now!"

This made Anna pause in her pacing. She came to stand directly in front of Jeremy, and gave him a look of complete and utter annoyance.

"Are you? Are you really?" she asked, an annoyed smirk coming to her face.

"Am I really what?" he asked.

"Are you really consulting me? Or are you actually just telling me? Because it sounds to me like you already decided that you're going to reenlist and this is you just taking the courtesy to tell me." Anna replied, crossing her arms across her chest.

"I- I just, Corey and I were talking and--" Jeremy stammered out.

"Yeah" Anna said cutting him off, "That's exactly what I thought."

Anna pivoted to walk away, so Jeremy hopped off the couch, grabbed her by the shoulders, and whipped her around to face him.

"You're right, I should've told you long before now" he began, "But we've already been at this for six years. I didn't realize what a big deal it'd be. And you know how important it is that this mission get completed."

Anna looked up into Jeremy's eyes, a raw coldness emitting from her piercing gaze. With a whisper she replied, "Don't you dare."

She ripped herself out of Jeremy's hold. "Don't you dare suggest that this is like any old 9-5 job and we can just "suck it up" since we've been living this way for the last six years?!" Her voice continued to rise in octave. "And don't you dare try and place the state of international security on me! Don't you realize how ridiculous that sounds?! Do you even hear what you're actually saying?"

"You KNOW my work is important!" Jeremy shouted, "You know there are sacrifices that need to be made in the name of the greater good!"

"But we have already made them! We made the sacrifices!! Let it be someone else's turn. It can't be our turn anymore." Anna replied, now shouting as well. " I can't live like this forever! The stress is killing me, don't you get that?! Don't you care?!"

"Of course I care!" Jeremy retorted, " We are gonna be okay! I promise. I love you Anna. Isn't that enough for us?"

"No. No it's not." Anna quietly replied. With that, she silently turned and left the room. Jeremy looked on in shock. They proceeded to ear dinner in silence later that evening, and didn't speak another word to one another the rest of the night.

A month later Jeremy deployed- fight still very much unresolved.

***

"Of course I remember that fight." Jeremy chuckled, " I don't think the neighbors could ever forget that fight either."

Anna's glare remained a moment longer until she relented with a slight smirk of her own. "We are a lot of things, but quiet isn't one of them is it?" she said with a light chuckle.

"But..." she continued, "that doesn't change the reality of the situation. And this situation?" she said while gesturing to the space between she and Jeremy, " It's just not gonna work for me anymore. I literally cannot take it."

"What's not gonna work?" Jeremy asked in slight shock, "Us? We aren't going to work? I know it has been hard but sometimes, but sacrifices are a part of any healthy marriage."

Anna scoffed at this. "There's that magic word again- sacrifices. Yeah you're right, every marriage has them. Like doing the laundry so your husband can go to sleep early. Or eating at the restaurant you don't like because you know it's your wife's favorite. THOSE are normal sacrifices. But cringing at the sound of a ringing telephone because it may be someone calling to tell you that your husband has died? Not a normal sacrifice. Crying yourself to sleep at night because you know you'll dream of your husband dying a very possible and very gory death? Also not a normal sacrifice."

Jeremy remained silent, a sadness and understanding overcoming his face. "I'm sorry-" he began.

"That's not what I want you to apologize for though" Anna interrupted.

"No," Jeremy said as he raised his hand up asking her to stop, "I know what you're saying, but there's a long overdue apology that I need to give you. I'm sorry for putting you through that the last seven years. I know you didn't go into it blindly, but that doesn't mean I don't feel bad about what you've had to go through over here. You gotta know how easy it is to get caught up in what I’m doing...but I know it can’t always be that way. I- I don’t know how to fix this, but I do know I haven't always openly recognized and applauded you for what you‘ve been stuck dealing with, and you deserve that. You deserve all the damn roses."

"Thank you" Anna replied, a tear coming to her eye, "I, I really just...that means a lot. I don't tell you all this to make you feel bad. It's just when you enlisted I envisioned a couple years. But two years came and went, and then three, four, five! And suddenly I was all alone again. There was nobody but me, just as it had been before you. But this time was even worse, because it came with a gut wrenching ache in the pit of my stomach. Because every moment of every day I'm worrying about you. And I know your work is important, but so is mine! And I can't do my work anymore. I can’t function anymore. I was going to tell you that the day you told me about reenlisting with Corey. That we need to figure out a new future. But not only did you not give me that opportunity, you took away the whole last year from me. From us!"

"You're right" Jeremy replied. "You're absolutely right. I've known my time in active duty was coming to an end sooner or later. It's just what next?" Tears began to form in his eyes. "I'm not good at anything else. This- this is all I can do. It's all know. So you're right, something has gotta come next, but what?"

Tears began to spill from Jeremy's eyes. Anna looked on with sadness and ultimately understanding. She stepped forward to grab Jeremy's arm, but he jerkily stepped backwards and wiped at his eyes. "Fuck", he said. "I really hate crying"

Anna stepped forward and grabbed the hand wiping his eyes and gently pulled it away from his face. "Well, it just so happens I find sensitive men quite sexy" she joked as she reached up and dabbed the tears off Jeremy's face.

"Remember when I asked you all those months ago, "isn't loving you enough?" and you said no?" Jeremy asked.

Anna looked up solemnly into Jeremy's eyes and said "I do".

"I understand what you meant now" he sighed, "I've got one more year after this leave and then we'll be okay. We'll figure out a new future. Who knows? Maybe they'll let me train cadets or something like that? But you're right, it's time. There's no reason to be scared anymore. I can face the desserts of Baghdad, I can face the unknown of a different future. I should've admitted that a long time ago. And honestly I'm sorry I've put you through the last year to figure it out."

Anna pulled Jeremy into a tight hug. "Thank fucking god" she said.

The two began to laugh. "I love you Anna, and I'm so glad I'm home."

For the first time that day a genuine smile reached Anna's face. "Annndddd?" she egged on.

"And?" he asked with a befuddled look.

"And I'll never make a life changing decision without actually consulting my wife again?" she replied.

"Ahhh yes. That." he smiled, " I will never, ever, ever, everrrr, make a life changing decision without actually consulting my wife ever again".

"That's what I thought" she laughed as she leaned up to finally kiss him. Pulling apart she said, "And for the record? I love you too, and I'm so glad you're home". Jeremy wrapped his arm around Anna's shoulder, and with a shared smile the two finally began to make their way into the rest of the house.