The Fullest Silence

Whenever I thought of death, it was like a looming tower in the distance. A frightening and harsh reality, a thought that only brought sorrow and anger into your mind. Death is humankind’s greatest denial, something that always came later in life, never something that was always a possibility. And so as lights flashed behind my eyelids and as thunderstorms shook my ears and my body, I was once again forced to bring all of my roads of thoughts back to the same place, back to the same barren and cold tower that I had always pushed away. All I found was nightmares and loss, depression and emptiness. I tightened my muscles, pulling me back to what was going on around me. I opened my eyes, only to see blurs and splotches of blood clouding my vision.

“Please,” My raspy voice croaked, speaking to everyone and no one. “Please, don’t let me go. Don’t leave me!” I began to cough, my throat unable to handle too much strain. I felt a firm hand grab mine, listening to what I had said.

“Don’t say anything else,” The person said. I was almost jealous of their clear voice, their strong grip. I wanted nothing more than to be like that again, to be in control of myself, to know something else other than pain and betrayal. “I’ll get you through this, I promise. Everything is going to be alright, I promise,”

I didn’t understand how they could sound so sure, how they could be so confident when they knew nothing of what I was feeling, nothing about how awful it was to lose grip on the world, to want nothing more than just to see and move again, to be in control of your own body. Knowing that the world didn’t need me was a million times worse than knowing that I could do nothing to help it. I felt like a baby being forced to go to sleep, the parent not listening to them no matter how loud they screamed or how hard they cried.

And more than anything else that was keeping me from thinking clearly, was the fact that my death meant victory for everybody else. Not a single person would be upset about my death, they would all just say that I died to save them, that it wasn’t a sad thing because now the world would be happy and bright and joyful.

I had always heard of people’s life flashing before their eyes, of people realizing their true meaning and purpose in life. But as I lay there on the ground, my body loosing its own will to live, memories of my friends and family just seem fade, reminding me that I really wasn’t ever in charge of anything, that destiny is preplanned, and no matter what you try and do things will all turn out the same.

Basically, I was learning that death sucks. I had been on the other side before, I had watched the life drain out of the eyes of people I did and did not love, and I never felt that sad. It might just be I had no emotions, which is what everybody else said, but I knew then that it was because I never knew what it felt like. I couldn’t be sympathetic if I had never been empathetic. 

And just as I was starting to understand, another wave hit and I was thrown down, pushed harshly out of my mind.

And then I was somewhere else.

The only thing I was aware of was the slowing of my heart and the rushing in my ears. I reached out my shaky arms desperately, hoping to latch onto something that could pull me back into my life, bring me back into the world that was slowly fading in around me. But all I felt was groggy, empty space, slowing my muscles down as if I were sinking into a great deep black sea, unaware of what lay deep underneath me. 

Frantically fighting and working to get back to the surface, I tried to breathe, only to find my lungs unable to accomplish the thing that they had done my entire life. Flailing my limbs, I started to realize that the bottom might be nearer than the top, that reaching the end was the only way to get a new beginning. The chaos and burden that had always been a part of life started to make sense. I carefully cut the last string that was cutting into me, the harsh reality that was keeping me from being free. Ignoring the angry, burning thoughts screaming at me to turn back, I stopped struggling. I let go of the world along with every worry that I had ever had, every goal that went unaccomplished. 

As my newfound peace slowly began to sink in, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, I sank as well. The beast that had been trying to pull me up was slowly replaced with a beautiful creature of desire and love pulling my soul deep down. The roaring in my head started to slow and quiet, leaving behind the one worldly possession that I had left. The blood and the cells that had always rushed and ran stopped for the first time, at once given rest. 

And then, louder than anything I had ever heard, there was silence. Nothing but quiet and meditation, only calm and stillness, like a clear lake that had gone untouched by the blowing of wind or the throwing of stones. And then, like a great window opening into a flowery meadow,  I opened my eyes, but not in the way I usually would. Instead of reality stabbing at my mind the second I left my imagination, it was almost like I was still there, in my mind, only it was warm and rich, better than either could ever be. I breathed in my first truly steady breath, showing my body that what I had always known as calm had only been a fraction of what it was really like. And undisrupted, I took my first step in the afterlife, feeling the sun’s protective glow around me.