Kai's Honesty Tour

“Thanks for reaching out. Have a Happy New Year.”

Kai read the text and responded back, “Thanks, same to you!”.

On January 1, 2020, Kai made the goal of being more honest. She was a quiet soul, a “yes woman”, someone who didn’t know how to use the word “no”. However this year, she decided to be more honest with how she felt and if she would have known what 2020 would bring, she may have changed her mind. This year showed people’s true colors and required her to use her honesty more than she wanted. Some relationships were mended and others ended, but she felt it was all necessary.

During the last 11 months, Kai was honest with her boss, which led to a promotion. She was also honest with a family member, which required her receiving an hour long lecture from her mother, who agreed, but felt it could have been handled differently. She just finished texting a coworker and explaining how a comment she made on her most recent Facebook status could be seen as “racist”. The coworker was actually very responsive and wanted to become more knowledgeable of systemic racism. Kai took that as a “win”. However, there was one person she was hesitant on reaching out to and here it was 10:55 PM on New Year’s Eve.

Kai made a list of ten people she needed to reach out to and express how she truly felt. Whether it was telling them how much she appreciated them or how much she was hurt by them in recent years. She looked at the last name on the list and figured “9/10” was pretty good, but knew she would not be reaching her goal if she skipped this one individual. The name, which was written in all caps and underlined was her father, her estranged father.

Kai knew her dad, but he chose not to get to know her. Now at nearly 30, she still felt like a little girl longing to be picked up and taken out for ice cream by her father. When he texted or reached out, she would respond very passively, but deep down inside she was angry. What did she do to deserve not being enough to be around? When she did reach out to schedule to meet, something always came up. All she wanted was an answer, she didn’t even care for a relationship at this point.

Over the past 11 months, Kai would begin typing out a text message asking her dad why he wasn’t around and to express how it made her feel, but each time she deleted it. When he would text to say “I’m thinking of you” or “I love you”, she would just reply with “I love you too” without any thought or feeling. She would then promise herself the next time he texted she would be honest with him, even if it hurt. Yet to no avail, the automated, “I love you too” would find its way as a response to his irregular “check-in’s”. At this point she was more frustrated with herself than his actions or lack of.

It was now 11:05 and Kai figured she would not make her deadline. It was late and even if he read it, would she get the honesty she longed for. Would he even reply back or simply ignore it, which would lead to further distance between the two. Part of her wanted to be honest, and in turn, receive the honesty she searched for since she knew of his existence, but the other half of her just wanted to forget things and move on. It seemed this tour was coming to an abrupt end.

*buzz buzz* Kai’s phone vibrated to only show another text from her best friend who was checking in. With the restrictions due to Covid, Kai was spending New Year’s Eve alone, just like Christmas, her birthday, Thanksgiving, and every other holiday that is typically celebrated with family and friends. She read the text, smiled, and thanked him. She didn’t want to get too distracted from her goal because it was now 11:22 and she knew these final minutes were critical.

She went through her text messages and found the last text and response from her dad. It was from Christmas and simply read, “Merry Christmas baby, dad loves you.” She replied back, “Merry Christmas dad, I love you too” nothing more, nothing less. No further conversation. She went back to the text box and started typing, but as before she deleted it. What would come of this? That was her biggest fear, but she also had some hope that her being transparent would cause him to do the same. He would pour out his heart to her and they would plan to get together once “outside reopened”. They would talk more and maybe he would even call just to hear her voice. He would send her silly GIFs or write on her Facebook wall just because he was thinking of her. In her mind, the response would be what she always wanted, but there was still a disappointed little girl who felt she would be disappointed once more.

As she continued to debate what to do, she quickly realized it was 11:56. Where on Earth did the time go? She now had four minutes to send the text that would change everything. She had prayed on this and even asked her mom if she was doing the right thing. Her mom had the best relationship with her grandfather so she did not understand what Kai was going through, but figured she had nothing to lose. Her mom even reached out to her dad asking for him to do more, but nothing came out of her plea besides a text every 2-3 months. Kai was desperate at this point.

It was now 11:58 and Kai found herself in her dad’s inbox. She figured this way she could see when he received it and if he would respond back. She allowed her fingers to do the typing without any thought and before sending it she read it aloud to herself.

The message read, “Dad, can we talk?” It was sent at 11:59 PM on New Year’s Eve. Although she did not get a chance to tell him how she really felt or even get a response from him before the clock struck midnight, she knew that the new year would hopefully bring a better relationship. Before putting the phone down, she noticed the message was not only delivered, but read. At this point, she could not unsend the message or go back. As she went to close out the messaging app, she noticed her dad was responding. It was truly about to be a new year. Her honesty tour was finally complete.