Guilty Wish(pt.8)

Part eight of my Cameron and Archer series: Always.

This story contains transphobia and aphobia, language.

"Do you see the table?"

"No- can- hn.." I felt my face scrunch up in confusion.

"It'll be okay." Tsu-san says, scanning the area. "Look- there's a clearing." He says leading the two of us there. 

"Thank you, Tsu-san." I smile. I noticed him roll his eyes, smiling. I chuckle. "So, how was the hospital stay?" I ask, poking his stomach.

"Eck!" There were more laughs. "It was alright. Mostly slept. Unless there was a test- there were so many-"

"Pft-"

"Seriously! You don't know how much…"

My mom and I were sitting on the couch watching the random crime show. It was a normal case, some guy's kidnapping girls and killing them. I sigh a little. "I don't understand how people are so sex crazed." I say pulling my legs to my chest, staring at the screen tiredly.

"Well, these aren't normal people, Vic." She says giving me a look. I return it.

"Even then, mom. I just don't get it." She waves it away.

"I thought so too-"

"But now you love sex.. Yeah yeah, I get it mom." Her eyes sharpen, staring directly into my eyes, and instead of looking away, afraid. I stared back. "I'm tired of you telling me I'll get use to it. It's been what, four years? I still fucking hate the idea you know." 

"Victoria!" I roll my eyes.

"I'm asexual, mom. Accept it or you'll hear a lot more fucks from me." I say standing up, heading to my room. I pause however, a thought bubbling into my head.

"You're too young to know-" She starts, but I interrupt her.

"Have you ever thought that what I did a couple years ago was to 'fix me'?" I look back at her and she froze. "Mhm. Even you, told me people born girls gotta like sex. So what did eleven-"

I fold my arms, clenching my jaws. Don't cry, Cameron. "Victoria!" She barks. My shoulders dropped. Is she-..

"You always said you'd accept me.. And I guess that's true.. You accept me liking more than what 'girls'," I quote that word. 

"I do accept-" I merely held a hand to her face.

"Are allowed to like: boys. But mom." I sigh looking at her. "I'm not a girl, and I've hinted at this. I'm nonbinary-"

"You can't be multiple people-"

"Mom! Shut up. Listen for once!" I snap. "I'm nonbinary, and I've hinted this to you so many fucking times, I'm tired of you just ignoring it, misgendering your friend Mikey who's nonbinary- and I'm sick and tired of you telling me I'll like sex!" I bark. I knew I was crying at this point, but honestly.. Fuck this. "All four years you've hinted at this- all four years, you've told me how I'm basically wrong- broken, and need to be fixed.." I comb my hands through my hair, watching my mom stare.

"You're too young-"

"Four years mom!" I bark. "And who's to decide if I'm too young? I can change what label I want to use! I'm human, that shit happens!" I shake my head. "At times I'm glad you're not religious.. That you know enough to not kick me out for such stupid reasons.." I look at her. "But sometimes I wish you were that person- because everytime I think you're good, you're better than that.. You go around misgendering people when you know better- you simply call ace people 'modest'. But you know better than that mom!-"

"Go to your room. Now!" She barks. I freeze, looking at her. "Give me your phone and go to your room-" I deadpan, standing up. I fold my arms. "I'll let you out, and have it back when you don't yell at me-"

"Mom. Listen to yourself." I say. I see her jaw clench. "I've dropped hints," I say calmly. "Of everything, me being asexual, nonbinary- and needing a therapist.. And yet while you believe and support all of that stuff.. And know the signs.." She looks at me, defeated. "You've just.. Ignored it." I whispered. "For four years you've ignored me not being cis and not liking sex, yet accepted me loving more than just boys.." I pause, not exactly sure if I could handle continuing. "Do.. Do you understand, how many times I've cried myself to sleep? Wishing you'd at least pretend you didn't understand, or didn't approve?" 

"Victor-.. Vic.." She said, a sob slipping out. I clench my jaw. She sat back down. And I realize then, both of us were standing, tense and offensive almost that entire time. Till now. Her hands came to her face, and she let it all out. "I've failed- I messed up-" My shoulders drop, remembering that night. I couldn't help but roll my eyes, pissed.

"Mom. Everyone messes up." I snap. "Just fucking learn." I say. "Jason and I are gonna meet up with dad, at our cafe. I love ya, aight?" I say heading towards the room. I don't like watching adults cry. It hurts. Especially when you're the cause.

Jason leaned against the doorway of our room. He was unreadable. My heart squeezed and I took a deep breath. "I apologize Ja-"

"It's about beeping time you said it, Vic." He says, a tiny smile breaking through. I froze. He was proud. The tears came back again, and he hugged me tight. "Are we actually going to dad's?" He asked in a whisper. I laugh. 

"I- I don't know." I pull back, folding my arms with a hum. He tilts his head. 

"How about we go see Tsu? I mean- he's good now, yeah?" Jason asked looking at me. I blink before a smile crosses across my face. 

"Yeah, he is."

The two of us made our way to the cafe Tsu and I met(in real life) at. "So this is where you two go.." He says eyeing the place. "I thought you met at some park or something." I laugh a little shaking my head.

"Nope. We met at a cafe."

"That we go to every time with dad." The two of us chuckle a bit at this, taking the booth in the back. "So, how old is Tsu, again?" He asks looking at me. I tilt my head a bit, thinking about it.

"He's nineteen." I say after a bit. Jason blinks a few times.

"That.. He's older than I thought." He said, surprised. I laughed.

"How old do you think he was?"

"Like.. Seventeen?" He says with a shrug. "I dunno, just didn't expect a four year difference." I playfully punch his shoulder.

"We're not dating, ya know." I say with a tiny laugh. He laughs too.

"I know- just.. Ya know.. You two are close is all."

"Wouldn't you be close with someone you've shared so much with?"

"I.. Fair point." There was silence for a bit longer than I'd like. "So.." Jason starts up again. I raise a brow, glancing at him. "Are you gonna tell him about today?" I felt like vomiting. It wasn't long ago, but it seemed like it.

"I guess I kinda have too... I broke that stupid cycle."

"He'd be proud."