Inspiration Escapes

...so looking into the distant and ever-eluding horizon, he realized that while he would always love her, he could never truly make her happy.

The End

With an exhalation that carried the sound of relief, Jerry sat frozen looking at the final two words he just typed.  The End.  So that’s it.  He finally finished his first novel.  After sacrificing so much, least of all his reputation, Jerry had done it.  Somehow it seemed fitting that his final typed words came on the day of his brother’s wedding.  After all, the novel’s plot was inspired by Sarah, his brother’s bride-to-be.

And like his protagonist, Jerry knew he could never make Sarah happy.

It was the engagement that actually caused Jerry to leave college and set about writing his novel.  His childhood and young adulthood dream of writing the great American novel consumed him, driven by the jealousy he felt toward his brother.  Of course Jerry never let on that he loved Sarah, but sometimes he wondered if she knew by his flitting glimpses of her when he thought no one was watching.  

Sarah was beautiful, beyond doubt.  Her piercing smile and upturn chin would give any person pause.  Her intelligence matched none of her age, but her patience and compassion hid it well as she often preferred listening to speaking.  Sarah was delightful in all respects, but for the fact that she loved Jerry’s brother unequivocally.  

Jerry’s premature ending to his post-secondary education warranted a rare moment of Sarah speaking her mind.  “You shouldn’t quit college, you know.  Of course you can write a great novel without a degree, but the experiences and perspectives college can provide will help you.”  At that point, she offered one of her infamously charming smiles and playfully added, “Besides, a girl loves a man with a degree on the wall, and I’d hate for you to miss out on true love.”

The night she told him this, Jerry went home even more convicted to drop his classes and begin work on his long-overdue attempt of writing a novel.  

And here it was, finally.  After two years of working odd part-time jobs to make ends meet, after watching his friends and former classmates graduate with honors, after countless drafts and self-edits, after suffering through his brother discussing wedding plans, his novel was complete. 

Sarah would continually ask to read his drafts.  She offered help in editing as she had a knack for Grammar.  She would sometimes surprise him by stopping over with a coffee and roll as he began a morning writing session.  Despite all of these considerate offers, Jerry never felt comfortable allowing her to read the novel in the fear that some unconsciously-written clue of his love for her would find its way to her intelligent mind.  

Jerry’s brother was less supportive of his desire to quit college and write.  “It all sounds romantic and adventurous, Jer, but if you can’t get it published or read by people, then what?  You’ll be left with no degree and stuck doing odd jobs the rest of your life.  You don’t want that.  You need a plan B.”

Jerry felt really good about this novel, though.  Especially now that it was complete, he had a feeling he could find a publisher easily.  He was confident that readers would love this story.  This confidence made him wonder about Sarah.  Why hadn’t he ever told her about his feelings for her?  Would she have left his brother for him?

No, Jerry quickly reprimanded himself.  Why would he even wish that?  His brother had been the happiest he had ever felt since Sarah walked into his life.  Who wouldn’t be?  

But still, Jerry couldn’t help but wonder if she had the right to know.  She wouldn’t leave his brother for him, especially not on the day of her wedding, but maybe she deserved to know.  He could mention it to her and play it off as a sort of joke if the conversation went sour.  Beyond that, his brother wouldn’t have to know, but at least he would let her know the truth.

No, Jerry decided, that was ridiculous and desperate.  He had not said anything to Sarah yet, and had even kept her from his book in the hopes that she would never deduce his inspiration came from her.  No, he would not let anything slip on the happiest day of her life.

Since he had about two hours before he really had to be anywhere for the wedding, he decided to submit some inquiries to a few different writing agents and even publishers.  He had many of these query letters ready to send, but had held off in sending any until his book was complete.  He carefully glanced through his query letters and read his description over one more time: ...a timeless love story of an unconfident, bumbling man and a charming woman bursting with life.

He hoped the letter held enough of a hook that the agents would want to give the first few sample pages a chance.  From there, he hoped his writing style would pique their interest enough to seek him out for the rest of the novel.

After checking and rechecking and rechecking all of his letters, he realized the time.  He was running late already, and had to get his tuxedo on and head to the location where pictures would eat up the rest of his early afternoon before the wedding ceremony.  He quickly sent his letters through email and rushed to get dressed.

The wedding was as beautiful as the bride.  Well, to Jerry’s thinking, nothing was as beautiful as her.  He played his part well and nobody would have suspected his inner-depression at losing the only woman he would ever truly love to his own brother.  He laughed, drank, and danced the night away, but not so much that anybody would think something was odd about the groom’s brother.  Only one moment gave Jerry pause.

Sarah had sought him out during the wedding dance and asked, “Would the second-most handsome man at this over-priced event care to dance with a woman who just gave her life away to love?”

Jerry smiled at her, and though he wanted to decline because he hated being so close to her when he couldn’t have her, he acquiesced out of politeness.  The two began to dance while the groom, Jerry noticed, was playfully joking with a group of children cousins.  

“Jerry, I’m proud of you for finishing your novel.  I can’t wait to read it!”

“Wait,” Jerry stuttered, “How did you know I finished it?”

Sarah looked confused only briefly, but carried on, “You sent me a query letter this morning.  Of course I haven’t had time to read it!  I just got a notification on my phone while I was finishing my hair and saw the email title.”

Jerry stopped dancing and froze with what must have been an oddly disconcerted face.  

“Jerry, are you okay?”

“Um…” Jerry fought within himself to figure out how to get out of this dilemma.  Sarah would read the description, which also shared his inspiration behind the book.  While he didn’t call out Sarah explicitly, she would figure it out quickly.  He knew she would read the book, and he hoped she would never make out his feelings woven between the lines, but he never intended for her to read his query letters!  He suddenly became hot and took a step back.  

“Jerry?”

”Oh, um, well...I never meant to send you that.  I was in a hurry this morning and must have accidentally emailed one to you instead of a writing agent.  You can probably just delete that and I’ll send you a manuscript to read instead.”

“Don’t be silly, Jerry!  I’ve told you time and time again that I would love to look over your query letters and give you some feedback.  This is your ticket into the writing world!”

Jerry composed himself and ended the conversation with an unintended but nonetheless curt response, “Thanks, Sarah.”  They finished their dance as Jerry’s brother stepped between them and said, “Hey little brother!  Mind if I steal away my bride?  Aunt Carol wants to offer some marital advice or something.”  He kissed Sarah, who returned it gratefully and bounded away with him toward Aunt Carol across the room.

Jerry stood a bit stunned and nervous.  He walked back to the head table where his champagne glass remained.  He sat down alone and took a drink.  Slowly, Jerry realized it probably didn’t matter too much if she read it.  So what?  If she suspected anything, she would probably just ignore it and they would both move on.  

He glanced to where Sarah’s empty seat was, though, and noticed that her phone was still on the table.  Sarah never kept a passcode.  Quickly, Jerry glanced around the room and noticed that everybody was busy having fun.  He nonchalantly reached over and slid the phone closer to him.  He opened it up and just like that, he saw the email, deleted it from both the inbox and the trash folder, and slid the phone back to its exact position as before.

Sarah would look for that email and not see it.  Maybe she would suspect him of deleting it.  But at least she wouldn’t read it.

The next morning the couple met at her parents’ house to open wedding gifts.  Jerry was invited to sit and watch the opening, which he did reluctantly.  If Sarah had checked her email and noticed one was missing, she hadn’t shown it outwardly.  After the gifts were opened and piled up in the corner, Jerry’s brother and Sarah were to take off for their honeymoon.  Jerry went to them to offer his congratulations and best wishes before they departed. 

Sarah and Jerry’s brother eventually got into the car and drove away.  Jerry simply stood facing the car as it disappeared into the ever-eluding horizon.  He realized that he would always love her, but he could never truly make her happy.