On Ethics and Life

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Luna asked her best friend, looking at her apprehensively, while inwardly still hoping that she might change her mind.

Lizzy lit a cigarette and took a drag, inhaling deeply. “What other choice do I have?” she asked in return while rubbing her bloated eyes. “I mean I messed up, I know that. I should have been more careful, sure thing. But I am not going to keep it, Luna, no way. You can understand that, can’t you?”

“Oh I don’t know, Lizzy, I honestly don’t know. After all, you do know my views on abortion. I mean – it’s still a human being after all, don’t you think?” Luna asked thoughtfully, sipping from her glass of wine.

Lizzy took another drag from her cigarette and leaned back in her garden chair. She didn’t reply.

They were loitering on the balcony of Lizzy’s studio apartment, waiting for the water in the kitchen to boil. Meanwhile, they enjoyed the cooling night air of a hot midsummer day. The evening sky glowed like burning wood on the horizon and, for a moment, there was complete silence except for the chirping of some birds that had nestled on the rooftop of the apartment building.

“Does Louis know about it?” Luna asked, trying to sound casual while fishing her knitted jumper out of her bag.

Lizzy shook her head and absentmindedly stubbed out her cigarette. “You know, we haven’t exactly parted on the best terms and, besides, this would do nothing but push him over the edge.”

Luna pondered on Lizzy’s words whilst kneading her lips. “But surely you must tell him. I mean, it’s as much his unborn child as it is yours, isn’t it?”

“That is certainly true, my dear. But ultimately I am the one carrying the child, so it should be me who has the final say in it,” Lizzy said firmly and got up from her chair.

Luna was just about to object, but Lizzy had already left the balcony and moved into the kitchen. “How hungry are you?” she heard Lizzy shout from inside. Luna leaned forward so that her freckled face appeared in the margin of the balcony door and roared, “Yes!” in her pretended chesty voice that always made Lizzy giggle.

In the kitchen, Lizzy threw the entire package of penne pasta into the boiling water, stirred the saucepan a few times and set a timer. Then, she opened the fridge and took out another bottle of wine before joining Luna back outside. The vibrant crimson colour on the horizon was slowly but surely fading in favour of bleak darkness, and Luna had already lit the candles on the windowsill in hopes of preserving the light of the world.

---

“It’s sooo good, my dear,” Luna said after having finished her third serving, her mouth still half full. “Your wild garlic pesto is simply unmatched.”

Lizzy smiled. “I’m glad you like it. There’s still some left in the kitchen in case you want to take some with you for tomorrow.”

Luna grunted in approval and leaned back in her chair, uttering a deep sigh of satisfaction. She regarded the first few stars that had surfaced on the horizon and caressed her bloated belly. This, however, suddenly reminded her of Lizzy’s circumstance, so she quickly took her hand away and picked up her glass of wine instead.

For an unbearable moment that seemed to draw out into eternity, neither of them said anything. The only sound was the drumming of Luna’s fingernails against the surface of her wineglass as she contemplated on how to address the delicate topic ahead of them.

The candles flickered placidly on the windowsill, contributing to a peaceful atmosphere – an atmosphere that seemed out of place considering why Luna had come over to Lizzy’s in the first place. The warm light of the candles seemed just as big a mismatch as the lovely meal and the wine and the cigarettes. Eventually, Luna couldn’t stand the silence any longer and asked: “So, you do want me to accompany you to this clinic then?”

Lizzy avoided Luna’s gaze and kept playing with her pasta – she had barely touched her food. Then she answered: “I’ve already called for an appointment a few days ago – they gave me one in two weeks’ time. But they want somebody to pick me up after – you know.”

“Yes, dear, I do know and that is why I urge you to think this through very carefully,” Luna said, trying to contain herself.

“Honey, it’s done, there’s nothing to think through here,” Lizzy said. “I’ve never wanted to have kids, not even as a little girl, and you know that. Nothing has changed since then, dear. I finally stand on my own feet since I got the job at the theatre company, and you know what? I love it, I love everything about it – the feeling of independence, the feeling of being appreciated by others and of being good at what I do; this is something that I don’t want to give away for anything and least of all for a toddler who would undoubtedly tie me to the domestic space for good.”

For a long time, Luna considered how she could express her disagreement as to what Lizzy had just told her; she wanted to tell Lizzy everything that was on her mind – she wanted to tell her that what she was about to do was no different from murder and that she had no right to decide the fate of another being, even if that being was yet unborn. She intended to tell Lizzy all of that, and more. But then she let it be – she knew it was no good; they have talked this through over and over, a long time even before Lizzy became pregnant, and the debate always ended the same way. Luna lit a cigarette and smoked tacitly, staring into the night sky. The candles on the windowsill had burnt down – they sat in complete darkness.

---

Luna fidgeted around on an uncomfortable plastic chair with a styrofoam cup full of coffee in her hands. The morning light flooded the waiting room of the clinic and let the white, sterile walls around her seem loud. Except for another young woman in her early twenties, Luna was alone in the room. She took a sip of coffee and eyed the young woman suspiciously, wondering whether she was here for an abortion or to merely pick someone up. Luna didn’t dare to ask though and thought that it was probably best if she never found out.

Just before noon, Lizzy appeared in the hallway. She still seemed wobbly on her feet and was quite pale, and as Luna looked her in the eye, she saw that Lizzy had a smile on her face. She couldn't tell though whether it expressed relief or sadness, or a bit of both and, again, she didn't dare to ask. They hugged for a long time without saying anything. Then, Luna supportively put her arm around Lizzy, and together they stepped out of the clinic and into the bright sunshine.