Footprints

She woke up with the sun eclipsing the drawn shades. Those blackout curtains weren't enough to the block out the sun. Sitting up in her bed, shielding her eyes from the sun she felt the pangs of her head throbbing. Stumbling out her bed she trips over the multiple wine bottles skewed around her room, heading to the bathroom to regurgitate the remainder of the contents of those bottles. 

"I have to get it together", she says as she looks at herself in the mirror. Another trip around the sun, she thinks to herself remembering that her birthday is today. "Birthday pangs", she says out loud to herself in the mirror. She grabs the Advil in the bathroom cabinet. She promised that was the last time drinking. She's 30 now, no time for games she thinks to herself.

She starts the shower and grabs her phone, but the screen is broken. She grunts as this is the third phone this year she ruined. 

"I'll just go to the mall and they'll fix it", she says out loud, but also remembering the holiday traffic that's in store.

Almost Christmas baby, she jokes to herself. She always wanted to be born on Christmas, always wanting to be celebrated the day everyone gets gifts. Growing up she often scoffed at her mother for not holding on at least 20 mins more. Being born December 24, at 11:40 pm didn't have any perks as far as she was concerned. The heat from the shower helps her concoct the reminder of her day. Mall for a new phone and window shopping and visiting her mum's grave, checking in on her dad and refrain from the alcohol. Getting dressed and making coffee, she gets lost in her mind about how alcohol has ruined her life so far. During the holiday's is the worse. Everyone drinks around this time and the alcohol makes her feel so warm inside. She remembers how she preferred the warmness of alcohol to people. People were too complicated she thought. Her Dad told her she just feels that way because she's stressed and that she has to find other coping skills. She didn't understand how he could say that to her. After all the times he came home intoxicated. Always heavier during Christmas time. All the drunken birthday's she had to endure because of him. "Get out of my head", she screams out loud. She takes a peek outside and realizes that it is now snowing pretty hard and makes a note to get moving before the weather is too inclement . As she drives to the store she realizes that she hasn't gotten any notification on her phone. That's odd, she thought. I should still hear the alarms, she thinks to herself. She repudiated her thoughts that everyone forgot her and forgot her birthday. She pulls up to the mall parking lot and it's overflowing with people leaving.

This should be fast and easy then as she parks her car and jogs to her mobile kiosk all while praying that Glenn isn't there.

Please don't let him be there as she approaches the desk and sees Glenn working with a customer. Ugh, why did he have to be here? 

She walks around to buy him some time and to take in the sights and smells. The holiday always makes her feel anxious. 

Those memories of her dad being drunk, her mother usually working not acknowledging the holidays. Just another time to make more money she says. She wondered if the coldness from her mother was because of the way life is so painful to deal with. Work was her drug just as alcohol was her dad's, later her drug. She glanced at her watch, still early she thought, but the counter should be clear. She heads back to the counter as she sees Glenn putting up a closed sign. She screams and signals for him to wait but she goes unnoticed by him. Humph, she says. How can he not notice me, she thinks to herself. Then she runs to the window and sees him running to his car. Must be running home to his family she thinks and rolls her eyes to stop the tears from coming down.

She still wasn't over the fact that she dated him and wanted to start a family with him but he already had his own. Concealing it until he couldn't anymore. Until his wife approached them on their 4th anniversary. So much for getting a ring on that day. Still staring outside she shakes her head. I refuse to have these negative thoughts on my day she promised herself. She took a deep breath as she headed to the florist. She was going to get flowers for her mother's grave and she had to do it fast. The snow was not letting up. As she walked to the florist, the gate was being closed. Wait she screamed, it's still early. It seemed that the florist didn't hear her and proceeded to walk away. It seemed that everyone is closing early she thought as she walked back to her car. I mean didn't they hear me calling out though. It seems like they both just ignored me she thought. Sitting in her car she lit a cigarette. She couldn't believe she'll have no phone for the day but at least she'll have her laptop at home she thought. Just two days without my phone. "I won't die", she said out loud while backing up heading to the graveyard. The drive to the graveyard is always solemn for her. She uses it as a tribute to her no-nonsense mother. The one who always installed that education is key. She knew she wasn't always cold, she remembered the times when she was young and her mother would play with her. Talk to her about the stars and how the galaxy worked, just for dad to come in to beat on her every day. Mom was strong. So strong that she became cold. Getting lost again in her thoughts about her parents she realized that she was there already. Luckily they have flower vendors there.

She walked to the vendor to purchase the flowers but the clerk didn't notice her. The clerk was on the phone and didn't stop her from grabbing the flowers. Merry Christmas she thought as she walked away with the free flowers and onward to her mother's grave. 

The snow was getting deep she thought as she started to struggle with walking. Once at her mother's grave, she bent down and kissed her mother's tombstone and lowered the flowers. "I wish you were still here mom, today is my birthday and no one is here for me. I destroyed all my friendships and really could use you mom", she said out loud. "Remember the snow angels and how we would leave our footprints in the snow?" she asked to no response. "Well, not going to stay here long just wanted to let you know I remember and miss you mom", she says as she starts to stand up and walk away. Midway to the car, she looks back. She feels like there's something else she should do but turns around and continues to walk away. She thinks about the last time she played in the snow with her mother. That year was just the footprints in the snow. Finally, she gets to her car and realizes that it doesn't seem to be any footprints in the snow. She just stares at barren of untouched snow. Confused she starts the car. Is the weather getting that bad that it's covering it up that fast she thinks to herself? I should get home. She pulls up to her driveway and gets out of her car. She starts to stare at the sky, and all of the thoughts come back. Her parents, the loneliness, the pangs of wanting a drink, her 30th birthday. She looks to the sky and closes her eyes. She starts to fill this wave of calmness flood her and a bright light surrounds her. All the worries vanished it seems as she opens up her eyes. She walks inside of the garage from the outside and notices that again there are no footprints from the car to the garage. Okay, this is weird she thought to her self after standing in the garage trying to figure what is going on. She starts to walk around her garage looking for her laptop. 

Determined to find the answers to this. She always leaves it in the corner of the garage, just throws her work bag in the chair and goes about her day. She walks to the chair and sees her work bag but notices a trail of vomit from her bag. 

Glad I finally stopped drinking she says to her self while finding the trail of vomit until she stops in her tracks. Is this the reason she couldn't get Glenn's attention, or the florist. What about the clerk? She bends down and touches her cheek. She felt the touch on her cheek. She moves the hair out her eyes and feels her face move as she wipes up the vomit. She feels that stillness she felt outside again. That calmness she came to enjoy all so well. She took that stillness and calmness in with a deep breath. She looked down at her lifeless body and realized why she couldn't see her footprints in the snow.