Old Lady Backflips

Me, Nathan, and my two friends, Enid and Wilson, arrived at the swimming pool together. I asked them what they have been up to since we haven't seen each other in a couple days.

“All I do is watch movies and read shitty books. What have you been up to Wilson?”, said Enid.

“I programmed my door to open when I wave at it,” said Wilson.

“That’s lame,” I replied.

“Wow that’s kind of cool.”

“You’re such a nerd,” I said.

“I know I am and I like it,” Wilson proudly exclaimed.

We split up to change clothes and then met back up with Enid in the pool. We got wet and then hovered around the diving board. The indoor pool was full of teenagers, children and their parents on an insanely hot day.

“Can you do a backflip?”, asks Enid

“You can’t do it,” I say to Wilson.

“I’ve done it before.”

“Yeah like a 100 pounds ago.”

Unfazed Wilson gets on the diving pool and lands an impressive backflip into the water. The crowd of children couldn’t believe it.

“Your turn,” said Wilson.

“I’ll do it if Enid does,” I said.

“I accept,” says Enid.

“Wait I didn’t-“

Enid is out of the pool and at the diving board before I can finish. I follow behind her sheepishly. Her shapely body made a picturesque backflip and clean entry into the water. I liked enid secretly. Enid liked me when we first met years ago but I never made a move so we never did anything. She friend zoned me soon after and now the three of us hang out together as a group. I know this all in hindsight.

There was a line up of kids behind me telling me to go. When I got on the diving board and turned around, I really thought I could do it. I jumped up and launch myself up but never made a rotate and landed on my back. My skin made a slap sound as it hit the water flatly. The kids pointed and laugh but my friends weren’t as amused.

Later we did lane swims.

“Do you want to go first?” I asked.

“Ah yes or you’ll hold us up,” Enid said.

Enid and Wilson proceeded to go out first which I really resented so I tried to out swim them. I tried hard to catch up but at the end of lap they were able to do a flip turn underwater and continue without stopping. I tried to do it too but I hit my head against the wall. 

“It’s impossible,” I said to myself while I rub my head. Did they practice these moves the day before without telling me? Then a rotund grandma from behind me came and did the slowest, most perfect flip turn to pass me. I was so steamed I just kicked off the wall normally and try to swim past all of them. However I overestimated my skills again, lost my breath and they all ended up lapping me.

“Change to the slow lane sonny, you’re holding us back,” the grandma said to me while I was resting at the end of the lane. She flips away again.

After that the three of us left the swimming center and headed to a pasta restaurant. We all order spaghetti and the waiter asked us if we’d like some black pepper.

“Of coarse of coarse,” Wilson says with a big grin.

“More?” Asked the waiter.

“No that’s fine.”

After we discussed what else there was to do.

“How about taking a walk to see the cherry blossoms?”, said Enid.

“We did that last year I think,” said Wilson.

“And the year before that and every year before that. I’m tired of doing the same thing. Why don’t we watch boxing?”, I suggested.

“I don’t think we’ll fit in there,” said Wilson.

“Where do we fit in?” I said.

“At home. Want to watch a movie? I’ll watch anything as long as it doesn’t suck,” replied Enid.

“You can that do. Me and Wilson are going to do something else.”

“But I like movies,” said Wilson.

“Fine I’m going to do something on my own then. I don’t need you two.”

“Are you sure? We always do everything together,” said Wilson.

“I’m over it. See you later.”

I left and went home. I ended up watching TV alone at night when a weird commercial came on:

“Are you tired of being a loser and looking for path to become somebody important in the world?”

“Yes.”

“Are you spending your Friday alone at home without friends to hang out with?”

“Do podcasters count as friends?”

“Do you wish you had a project to work on that would impress your, haha, non-existent girlfriend?”

“Okay what is it?”

‘Well come down to the financial center where we will be hiring team members. Interviews are on the spot and if you’re chosen, our training program will begin immediately-which you will be billed for later. Lesson one of the program is how not to get ripped off by exploitative business practices…come down today!”

This was how I was going to spring into the world. You had to have a company, you had to make a lot of money, you had to become of one of those important people. And you had to start talking like the most intelligent person in the room. I went down and was chosen right away.

Implementing lesson two of the program was easy. Take credit for everything, your work and other people’s work. If a superior asked whose great idea it was to do this or that, I'd tell him it was a team effort publicly but in private, I'd say it was all me. Then if weekly sales were up, that was my idea. If team camaraderie was up, my idea. If someone was late for work I took credit for that too. That probably wasn’t the best idea.

I ended up becoming office manager and staying late every night. I didn’t mind it considering I didn’t have friends anymore and I didn’t want to hang out with them even if I could. I handled all the calls, visits, and appointments the business wanted me to handle. Not all of it was bad, free dinners and outings were regular. And the suit dry cleaning was free too.

I love to paint. In my free time I would low-key go to the museum and looks at all the exhibits. I didn’t get to do this as much when I was poor but now I went three times an every week. If I saw one of my coworkers there, I pretended I was there for the nude black and white photos. They all thought I’m secretly gay and I didn’t want to confirm their suspicions.

I finished a fresh painting every other day and I liked to make progress. I read about a Japanese woodblock carver who see a piece of a wood and then digs into it with a scalpel as fast as he can. He doesn’t have the finished product in mind but he knows how he wants to start. It’s only once it takes shape that he can understands what he wanted to say with the piece. Then he completes it in entirely new direction. It all happens within 15 minutes or so. Painting in this manner is my goal.

I keep all my paintings hidden in the back of a closet, unframed and in a folder case. However I have one painting I’m most proud of which I framed and hung along side my real Van Gogh and Rembrandt. Months later I forgot about it and I had all my friends from the office over for drinks before a night out. My superior Bryce commented on my painting wall.

“What the fuck is that?”

“That’s a painting a made.”

“Why would you put it up here? How much did that cost you to make?”

“592.34 material costs excluding framing.”

“You could’ve spend that on getting your old Mercedes repainted and it would’ve looked better. I kid it’s wonderful you are into the arts. Very bohemian of you. None of us could’ve done it. You should be proud, just don’t hang it on the wall along side other famous paintings?”

All my coworkers laughed at me. Bryce died of cancer a couple of months later. I acted like cared around the office but I didn’t go to his funeral to make a statement. The thing was all his best friends from the office also didn’t go to his funeral either but acted as if they cared even more. My statement got lost in the mixed. A few years later I took Bryce’s place as the youngest executive in the office.

“Scumbag, come in here. You’re a scumbag!”

After being treated like shit for so long, it made me kind of a psycho. I had to prove how good I had it now, which I did by calling everybody a scumbag. I wore designer clothing, took vacations with designer friends and redesigned my kitchen. I posted all my accomplishments online and waited for my friends to comments “cool!” Wilson would comment “neat” on my posts but Enid never did. It really pissed me off even though I would never comment on their posts. One early spring Enid and Wilson announced that they were getting married and invited me to the wedding. I skipped it. After I skipped that, they invited once more for a walk along the seawall to the see cherry blossoms. I skipped that again and I haven’t heard from them since.

The height of my power came when I married my boss’s daughter. She was divorced with a son, Bobby. I thought the best way to ingratiate myself to my new son was to completely ignore him. Me and Ingrid (my wife) had our own child that I secretly favored. For example, if it was Bobby’s birthday, I would let him have a whole cake to himself. But then I would also buy a separate, bigger cake for my real son.

There wasn’t much resentment until much later in the relationship. Ingrid spent most of her time catering to me and I spent most of time spending her money. This made Bobby very angry since he thought I insulted his mother’s intelligence by stealing her money. My boss died suddenly and that was green light to delve deeper into their family wealth. I didn’t think any of this would catch up to me but it turned out that her father was a bigger scammer than me. All his holding were bad credit and bad loans which we ended up inheriting. I tried to pay it all off by stealing more money from Ingrid but that made it worse somehow.

I was aiming for a graceful fall but everyone I pissed off wouldn’t let me. They wanted me to take accountability. I told them I couldn’t since I already fired the accountant and I didn’t know how to do that stuff. They all told me off and Bobby even challenged me to a gun duel. If it wasn’t for this damn cockeye of my mine I would’ve got him but I ended shooting a chicken in the butt on Bobby’s left. Bobby shot second:

“Now I’mma shoot you the butt you chicken.”

He was talking about me the sly bastard. Long story short, I can’t walk straight anymore.

After some time I went swimming since walking was uncomfortable. In the pool, a group of seniors were doing water aerobics. Once I put my goggles and cap on, I set up to do a lane swim. However an old lady was finishing her lap and stopped in front of me and did a perfect flip turn off the wall to go right past me. I did a normal kick off the wall and tried to catch her but I couldn’t. What’s up with these old ladies?

They say most people don’t change their minds, they just die. I didn’t want to be one of those people, so I called my old friends Enid and Wilson. They just had a baby.

“Hey flower boy. Look at the flower boy over there,” said Enid.

We met at the seawall in early spring. We talked about how I could become a better person. They compared my rise and fall to Lance Armstrong who was ruthless and threatened to punish people if they went against him. I guess they were right. I just didn’t get the sport analogy. 

They let me hold the baby under the cherry blossom trees. I felt worthless without my business suit and designer sunglasses on. I worried if the baby would judged or respected me.

“I don’t have time for this. I have to get to work-“

“You got fired don’t you remember? Can’t you just enjoy the sunshine?”, said Enid.

What kind of a corny, hallmark movie was this? I was starting to think they were crazy for letting me even hold the baby. I don’t know anything about babies. I tried holding in various ways. Once in a rock-a-bye baby way. Then over the shoulder with her looking backwards and me forwards. Then I let her sit on my shoulder and flexed my same side arm to hold her in place. She giggled a little so I kept her there.

The light shone down through the cherry blossoms trees and streaks of light were hitting us in the face. Enid and Wilson were 20 feet ahead enjoying their own time together. We followed them slowly from behind. When petals landed on baby’s face, she would giggle. I guess it was kind of funny. I would pick her up in the air like the Lion King from time to time. It went on like that for another 20kms.