Armadillo Picnic

It took me a few seconds to realize I was utterly and completely lost.

I looked around. Corn stalks towered around me.

“Great! Just great!”

“Yoohoo!” a high-pitched voice sang and an armadillo materialized in front of me.

“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” I jumped back.

“Don’t be scared, ya silly goose!” The armadillo reached down and opened its chest with its claws.

“What the Hell!”

He pulled a cigar out and stuck it in his mouth. The end briefly caught fire and smoke arose. The armadillo inhaled. “Yeah, that’s the stuff!” He blew out smoke rings.

“Who the Hell are you?”

The armadillo took another puff. “Your daddy…” He blew smoke in my face.

I coughed. “Hey!”

Still floating in the air, the armadillo laid on his back. “Nice day, isn’t it?”

“Who are you?”

“Toby Moby Woby Loby Koby Joby Woby Loby Koby Joby Poby Esquire at your service!”

“What?”

“I just told you my name! Toby Moby Woby—“

“Stop! I get it!”

“Aren’t you rude!”

“What are you doing here? Where did you come from?”

Taking another puff the armadillo stared off into the distance with bloodshot eyes and said, “Dude, where did everyone come from?”

“That’s it! I’m leaving!”

“No, wait. I have a surprise for you!” He snapped his claws, and a purple armadillo appeared wearing a purple top hat.

“Hey, bro, I see you’re stoned!”

A high-pitched giggle escaped Toby ‘s larynx. “Yeah, George.”

“Well, well, hit me up!”

“NOW!” I shouted. “I want to know what the Hell is going on here!

“Nn nn nn nn!” The second armadillo or George took his hat off, popped it into his mouth, and swallowed. Another hat appeared on his head and he removed that one, and ate it. Then another hat materialized…

“Uh-oh, bro!” Toby looked at me through his bloodshot eyes. “Ya broke him!”

“Me?”

“Yes, you! With your shouting. He’ll never be the same again.”

He kept eating hats.

“No, never…”

He stopped. “I’m back, dude. What I miss?”

“Bro!”

“Dude!”

“Bro!”

“Dude!”

“Bro!”

“I love you! Let’s have a picnic.”

“Alright!” Toby sat down. A basket appeared by his side. He looked at me. “Well, sit down and have some yummy food.”

“No thanks, I’m not really hungry," I said.

“Oh, poo!” Tears welled up in his eyes.

“What?”

“I want you to eat.”

“Why?”

“You’re my new friend. And friends have to eat!”

“What?”

“Just eat, you silly human!” George said.

“Fine!” I sat down.

“Are you grumpy?”

“No. I’m just very confused.”

“It’s OK to be confused, my new peacock friend!”

“Huh?”

“You’re a peacock, aren’t you?”

“No, I’m a human.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, peacocks have feathers and...”

“Told ya you need to go back to kindergarten.”

George lowered his head. “Sorry I mistook you for a peacock.”

“It’s ok.”

George snatched a piece of roll and bit into it.

“Yummy, isn’t it?”

“Why, yes, Toby Moby Woby Loby Koby Joby Woby Loby Koby Joby Poby Esquire, this roll is yummy.”

“Why don’t you just call him Toby?” I asked.

“Because Toby Moby Woby Loby Koby Joby Woby Loby Koby Joby Poby Esquire is his full name, ya silly velociraptor.”

“Did someone say velociraptor?” a gravelly voice said. It sounded like it came from above.

“Holy shit!” I jumped up.

“It’s OK, my child!” the brown velociraptor hovered down. He had a jetpack strapped to his back. He had long brown hair on his head.

“JC! What’s the haps?” George said.

“I just got back from playing kickball with the young ones.”

“What the fuck’s going on!” I exclaimed.

The velociraptor tisked. “Language!”

“I’ve gone crazy, haven’t I?”

“My son. Take a deep breath and relax.”

“No, you’re not real!” I grabbed a knife and pointed it at them.

“You’re not hallucinating,” The purple armadillo puffed his cigar.

“We’re real, my son.”

“Stay back!” I moved the knife from side to side.

“Calm down,” the velociraptor said. “You’re God’s child and I love you.”

“We love you, too,” Toby contributed.

“Yeah, don’t you wanna resume our picnic?” George asked.

“No! You're not real! You’re all in my head!”

“We’re real, my son!” the velociraptor said.

“This doesn’t make any sense! What kind of world have I stepped into?”

“Home,” the velociraptor replied.

“What?”

“You’re home, my son!” He spread his little dinosaur arms out and a beam of golden light shined upon him.

Tears welled up in my eyes. The golden light emphasized his perfect scaly face. I hugged him.

“You’re my son like everyone else in this universe.”

“What about girls?” George asked.

“Did I say son? I meant child.”

“That’s OK, Velociraptor Jesus, I forgive you.”

“I can’t believe you’re a velociraptor,” I said.

Velociraptor Jesus chuckled. “Well, my son, there are lots of unexplained things in this universe.”

“Like platypuses.” George smiled.

“Ya, dummy. The plural form is platypi!” Toby snapped.

“Is not!”

“Is so!”

“Is not!”

“Is so!”

“My sons. Stop fighting! Make peace with each other,” Velociraptor Jesus said.

“But, platipi the correct plural form.”

“It’s better to make peace than argue.”

“But, but, but...”

“I don’t want to hear anymore bickering out of you two, OK?”

“But, but, but..."

“Embrace your friendship.”

“OK.”

“Hey, um, Velociraptor Jesus, why do you have a jetpack?” I asked.

“Because jetpacks are cool.”

“Yeah, they are!” George said.

“But, why?” I asked.

“It’s just fun flying around, my son.”

“Yeah, I guess it is,” I replied.

“Want a roll, Velociraptor Jesus?” Toby grabbed one.

“Why yes. thank you.”

I oddly thought of when I used to go up for Communion at church. “Now, all you need is wine!”

Velociraptor Jesus chuckled. “You’re right, my son, but I don’t drink wine. I drink Gatorade.”

“It has electrolytes!” George said.

“OK,” I said.

“What beverage do you drink, peacock?”

“I’m not a peacock. I’m a human.”

“Oh, right, sorry, what beverage do you drink, human?”

Toby Moby Woby Loby Koby Joby Woby Loby Koby Joby Poby Esquire smiled, “And with that, we’ve reached the end of our story at word one thousand… Roughly!”